Finding You

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I stood in the back of the rows of chairs where no one could see how hard I was crying. My boyfriend of 2 years, Luke, was now being lowered into the ground. The dark wood of the coffin was shining in the dimming sunlight. After the body was completely underground some men began filling the hole in with dirt. I couldn't watch. Some people came up to express their sympathies. It felt nice to have someone understand what I was going through.

"I'm so sorry Ryan. I know how much you loved each other." My best friend Gabrielle put her arm around me. I cried into her shoulder even though I was a good head taller than her. I looked up to see Luke's parents mingling about the crowd accepting condolences from everyone. I had to leave when I saw them coming in my general direction. They didn't know Luke was gay let alone that we were dating and I knew I would spill if they came near me. I hugged Gabrielle one more time and headed to my car and drove home.

At home my parents were waiting in the living room. I had asked them not to come so I could mourn alone. I went up to my room without a word. I felt bad for not saying anything to them but I couldn't. If I opened my mouth I would cry. Once I got into my room I did cry, though. A lot. I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life.

"Ryan, sweetie, come have some dinner..." My mom knocked on the door.

I threw a shoe at the door. She got the message and left me alone. I don't know how I did it but eventually I fell asleep.

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I woke up to the unpleasant sound of my alarm. I slammed my hand down and shut it off. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to get up ever again. I started crying again when I realized Luke and I usually carpooled to school. 

"Ryan, time for school." My mom said softly.

"Do I have to go?" I asked my voice breaking.

"You have exams today." My mom sat next to me on my bed and patted my back. She tried to comfort me but it didn't work. I shooed her out so I could get dressed. I wasn't looking forward to all the attention I was sure to get. What I really wanted was to sit in my room and cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Actually, scratch that, what I really wanted was Luke.

I got to school and walked through the large glass doors. Gabrielle rushed to my side.

"Why are you at school?!" She whisper-shouted.

"Exams." I was probably gonna use a lot of one-word answers today. Gabrielle nodded and we walked in silence to our first period.

"Ryan?!" The teacher said incredulously. "I didn't expect you here today." I just nodded and sat down in my seat in the back. Luke had been in this class. We sat right next to each other. I had to fight back the tears at the empty desk beside me. God I wish Gabrielle was here.

"As you know, we recently lost a fellow classmate, Luke Tyler, to a car accident." The teacher said solemnly and the whole class turned to look at me. "Please be considerate of those who were close to him." And that was all the mention he got. He deserved more than that! I almost stood up and said something but that would involve lots of tears and I wasn't up to it. After a lot of talk about the exams we'd be taking later, the bell rang and I bolted out of class. People seemed to avoid me in the halls. That was nice, until Jake Hanson showed up.

"Goddammit." I muttered under my breath and tried to walk a little faster hoping he wouldn't talk to me. No such luck.

"Hey Miller, so you're single now?" He laughed. "Maybe this time you'll get with someone cooler than...what was his name?" Jake had been bothering me since Freshman year when I came out. Sarcastically hitting on me and pushing me around. Not today. I turned around and punched him in the face.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" He yelled. Everyone within earshot looked toward me and Jake. His nose was bleeding. Serves him right.

"RYAN MILLER." The principal yelled across the hall. I knew this would happen but I still dreaded the consequences. Mr. Andrews dragged me to his office. Literally. 

"What on Earth were you thinking?!" He shouted once we were safe in the office.

"He was antagonizing me." I said coolly. Mr. Andrews shook his head. 

"I know you're going through a rough time right now, but I'll have to suspend you." He said writing the referral  in a yellow slip of paper and filed it. He made me sit right there while he called my parents.

"Hello Mrs. Miller this Mr. Andrews . I'm calling about Ryan." A concerned voice on the other end. "He's been suspended for 3 days." Anger. "He punched Jake Hanson." A click.

"I assume she was not happy?" I asked.

"Not in the slightest."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------"RYAN JOSEPH MILLER!" My mother burst through the doors of the main office. "What has gotten into you!"

"He was antagonizing me." I gave my mother the same response I gave to the principal. My mom sighed. She talked to Mr. Andrews for a bit, but I wasn't paying any attention. I was thinking about Luke. I hoped he would have been proud of me. I decided he would have, he hated Jake almost as much I did.

"Come on Ryan." My mom stormed out of the room. I had to jog to keep up with her angry pace. She slammed the car door so hard I was sure the whole school could hear it.

"I'm very angry right now Ryan." She said not looking at me.

"I noticed." I laughed. 

"This is not a time for joking around Ryan! You PUNCHED A KID. And don't make any excuses. I'm not excusing what he did but you had no right to hit him." My mom went on and on but my mind drifted. I texted Gabrielle about my suspension and told her I'd call her later.

"And I'm very dissapointed in you." My mom finished. I nodded and apologized. We arrived home and I went straight to my room to call Gabrielle before my parents inevitably took away my phone.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!" She screeched into the phone.

"I punched Jake in the face." I said nonchalantly. Gabrielle laughed. And then I laughed. It felt good to laugh.

"You know who would love this story?" I asked through laughter.

"Who?" Gabrielle replied.

"Luke." I said without thinking. "Oh."

"Ryan..." Gabrielle started.

"I've gotta go." I hung up. I decided to take a walk. I needed one. I scribbled a note, taped it on my door and snuck out the back.

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There is a bike trail near my house so I walked on that. My iPod was blasting sad music and I was blocking out the world. Then my iPod shuffled to the one song I hoped it wouldn't. Be My Escape by Relient K. Our song. It was playing at the party when we first met. I wanted to skip it but I couldn't. I could feel tears threatening to spill out. Then some asshole bumped into me startling me from my thoughts.

"What the hell?!" I said looking up. There was a kid I recognized from my calculus class, not unattractive, brown-ish hair and slightly tan skin.

"Sorry man. I'm Zeke."