Truly Madly Deeply

Four

Early evening. Kevin and Patrick have the entire house on their own, Dana having gone out to mingle with her friends. So it was Kevin and Patrick by themselves, spending the entire day together, and what a day it has been.

After so much persuasion from Kevin, Patrick had agreed to show him around the neighborhood where Patrick as a child had practically spent most of his time, riding together on two old mountain bikes Patrick purchased years ago when he came home from Berkeley to spend some time away from university life. As they cruised along though, past the sprawling gardens behind endless wooden fences, under the constant shadows of the lush maple trees, the warm sunlight filtering through their withering leaves, Kevin noticed the far away look that lingered on Patrick's eyes, and wondered what Patrick was thinking.

Kevin kept up, and it dawned to him that he really didn't know that much about Patrick, and God knows how hard Kevin tried, reaching down towards the very root of the vines that had entangled Patrick inexorably to his past.

And as he watched Patrick, who now and then glanced at him, Kevin found Patrick so beautiful, and more so as Kevin caught that elusive smile on Patrick's face, his eyes catching the radiance of the sun, his close cropped hair shining brightly that it formed a halo around his head.

A few city blocks later, they had found themselves in a playground, where little children were laughing, running this way and that. They both sat on the swing, watching the children who chased the flock of pigeons foraging on the little square.

"I used to play here when I was little," Patrick said, smiling, as he looked across the playground.

Kevin listened as Patrick recounted his many childhood adventures, when he'd steal Megan's bike and go to far away places, like this playground for instance, when he'd sit on the swing as he watched the other kids play tag or hide-and-seek.

"Go on," said Kevin, when Patrick had stopped talking. He willed Patrick to go on.

"I have a pretty boring childhood, don't I?" said Patrick, chuckling.

"Not to me," Kevin said. "Come on, tell me more," he said, unable to hide his fascination. But behind Kevin's smile, he felt saddened by how lonely Patrick had been, which made Kevin feel guilty, having caused the same loneliness to Patrick when they both fought a few days ago.

But it wasn't pity, what Kevin felt. Patrick deserved more from him.

"What's wrong, Kevin?" Patrick had asked Kevin, who was barely able to hold the tears in his eyes.

"Do you know how much you are loved?" said Kevin, reaching for Patrick's hand.

"Kevin?" said Patrick, looking down on his lap.

"Patrick," said Kevin, letting go of Patrick's hand. He rose from his swing and stood in front of Patrick. And bending down, Kevin held Patrick's face, willing Patrick to look up to him. "I'm here, Patrick. You don't have to fight me to fight for me. I'm giving myself to you."

Kevin felt something break inside him, as he saw Patrick close his eyes. "Why are you holding back?" Kevin asked, softly. "What are you afraid of?"

Patrick remained silent, save for the soft sob that had managed to escape his lips.

"Why do you find it impossible that I could change? That I could make that choice, for you?" Kevin pleaded, his voice breaking. "Why can't you trust me?"

They both stared at each other.

"Kevin, I can't go back there yet . . ." said Patrick.

And that set Kevin off the edge. He fell down on his knees, sobbing, tears running down his face. "I don't know, Patrick. But why does it feel like you're slipping away?" And it did. "If it's too much to ask you to love me, can't I just ask you to let me love you instead?" Kevin went on, willing his words through the tearing sensation that clawed its way out his chest. "Is that too much to ask, Patrick?" asked Kevin, his hands resting on Patrick's lap. "I'm trying hard, Patrick. Oh, fuck . . ." Kevin cursed the gnawing pain. How frustrating it was, fumbling for the right words to be heard, let alone be understood. "I'm trying so hard. But what's the point in trying when you just won't give me the chance?"