She's a Beautiful Disaster

The First Day

She was 7 when it started. Her step-brother who was 6 months younger than her started abusing her. Sexually, physically, emotionally, and verbally. He thought it was a game. He was getting what he wanted, a good time, and she couldn't do anything because he would threaten to kill her or hurt her even more than he already did. She thought it was normal, it happened all the time, right? Apparently not.

It started out fairly innocent. One day during summer his mom and her sister were asleep. It was just them watching T.V. He came over to where she was sitting on the couch and put his head in her lap. She didn't know what was gonna happen but she just looked down at him and just started messing with his hair. It was normal for a minute until he got a lot closer to her. Everyone was asleep, so it was the perfect time.

He grabbed her hand and whispered in her ear, he said "Come help me with something." She reluctantly followed him to the bathroom and he closed the door. She sat on the counter and he was messing around with something in the drawers. After a few minutes he looked up and grabbed her inner thigh. and pulled her closer. She was terrified. She didn't know what to do or what was happening.

Her dad had always told her she was worthless, and no one would ever love her. Her dad said he was kidding when he said she was fat and ugly, but she knew he wasn't kidding. She could see in his eyes that he wasn't kidding. She was excellent and being able to tell when people were lying to her. Her mom had given up on trying to be a mom at that point. Her mom was too busy sleeping with guys and getting crossfaded to take care of her children.

The weekend before anything happened, she started to have to take care of her sister. She was basically a mom for her three year old little sister. She made her food every morning and kept her entertained during the day. When it was night, she would tell her stories and sing to her while she fell asleep.

He pushed her onto the ground and she hit her head. Through tear-brimmed eyes and a shaky voice she said, "Please stop. What're you doing to me"

"Shut up. Mom's asleep and you need to listen to me." He said, "I'm in control. I tell you what to do. You have to listen to me or I swear."

She just whimpered as he sat on top of her and slapped her across the face. He started grinding on her and she tried getting him off of her. He had trained with his friends who were on a football team, so he had some strength, and he pinned her elbows under his knees. She tried screaming but he covered her mouth. He kept saying no one could hear her, and he wasn't lying. No one could.

He ended up bruising her ribs and leaving a mark on her face. It was about one when his mom woke up. His mom came downstairs, groggy, and asked what happened to her face. She said she got hit with a ball while playing outside with her brother, just as he instructed for her to say. She was terrified for what would happen next.

Their rooms were right next to each other. The only thing separating them was a wall. Would he try that again? what if she told her dad at dinner and he found out? Would he hurt her more? Would it stop? She didn't know. She didn't know how much she wanted to find out either.

She was forced to clean the whole house before her dad got home. He got home at 6.

She started in the bathroom. She walked in and started breaking down crying. She couldn't comprehend what was happening or what was going to happen. She was so scared and she didn't know what to do. She couldn't talk to her best friend because it was summer. Her mom didn't care. Her little sister didn't understand, especially if she didn't understand. Her step-mom treated her brother like a prince so there was no help there.

She was trapped in her thoughts and she hated it. However, she wouldn't show that she was as weak as he perceived her to be.

So, she finished cleaning the bathroom and went to take out the trash. She walked into the kitchen with puffy eyes and he was sitting at the kitchen table. No one else was there. He grabbed her by the next and pushed her against the wall.

"I swear to God, if you even think about saying anything, I will choke you until you're blue in the face."

She kept trying to move his hands but it just wasn't working. When he finally released his grip on her neck, she fell to the ground gasping for air. He walked away, clearly satisfied.

She kept focusing on her breathing while she continued her work. This was when she experienced her first anxiety attack. She didn't know how to steady her breathing or her racing heart. She walked outside and ran around her backyard to see if that would help calm her down at all. Eventually it did. When she came back inside she realized she had been outside for almost 30 minutes.

Her step-mom started screaming at her and told her to get her priorities straight and work on her chores. She kept going with them. 20 minutes before her father was supposed to be home, she walked upstairs and took a shower.

Right as she was about to get in the shower, her step-mom barged in and said "What're you doing? It's your night to make dinner. Get your ass downstairs. Now."

She put her clothes back on and started the hot water. She put water in a pot and put rice in the pot. She was supposed to make chicken stir-fry. When the rice was almost boiled she started the stir-fry and  chicken. Her father walked through the door as she was plating the food.

He kissed her step-mom and looked at me and said "Hey-a heffer."

She replied simply with "Hi Dad."

He asked what was wrong and she told him she was tired. He thought she had an attitude and so he told her to shower and go to bed without dinner. After her shower her dad was in her room and she sat on her bed. He stood and was yelling at her asking why she had an attitude. He slapped her across the face when she said "it's because I don't like living here in the summer. There's nothing to do."

He said to go eat dinner and go to bed. So she did just that. She was forced to sit next to her step-brother. She ate dinner as quickly as she possibly could without throwing up, and she went upstairs. She threw on some pajamas and threw herself in bed. She turned on the radio to drown out her crying. At about 9 o'clock her little sister came into the room.

She could hear that her father was drunk again and fighting with her step-mom so she turned up the radio just a little bit louder and put earbuds in, in hopes to drown them out. It didn't work all too well.

Her step-brother came into the room and told her to go to sleep and not say a word about hat had happened. She said okay and rolled over. Silent tears streamed down her face and she knew this was goin to be happening as long as she didn't say anything. She didn't know how long it was gonna take until everything was okay, or if it ever would be okay.

What she did know was that she had to stay strong for her little sister. She was her little sisters role model after all.. she knew that if her sister saw her cry, she would worry and tell her parents and everything would turn to an even bigger hell than what it already was. She knew she needed to keep quiet and keep strong.

She cried herself to sleep that night. Listening to music and her breathing. Tomorrows only Tuesday, it was gonna be a long week..