An Excuse For Self-Pity

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Do you ever see someone stare at you and feel something? A feeling in your stomach or chest or throat that just makes you want to hide? I do too. It's called anxiety. You get nervous, like you'll trip up the stairs or your hair doesn't look good. It's a bitch. I know, you know, we all know. It's something everyone feels. We can't help it, it's a strong, mean, hurtful monster. I know, monster is a strong word, but I think you'll understand in a moment.

A monster is something we fear.

Something we dislike.

Something we dread.

Remember that. A monster is a manifestation; a combination of everything we despise and hate about ourselves. We think of ugly names and faces for these. We create video games, films, and songs describing the way they make us feel and the effect they have on us. They depict us fighting and conquering these creatures.

It looks easier than it is. I know, I have my monsters. If you think you can get rid of them on your own, go ahead and show me. I'd love to see this miracle of a recovery, really. The truth about these monsters is that they're only the tip of the iceberg. It's the demons that you need to watch out for. They're sneaky. They look for the smallest, darkest parts of your brain and hide, feasting off of your negativity and fears. They wait until you're at a vulnerable place and that's when they strike.

No matter how smart or clever or happy you are, you'll have trouble with demons. You think they're small, so you try to push them away. Nope. Not gonna work. They'll just creep towards the back of your mind, hiding again, then whispering silly, stupid things to you. You won't know it's them. You'll start feeling crazy, sad, mad. You may feel your sanity slipping away, but have no fear, (hopefully) common sense is here! You'll see through the demons' plan, and catch them, put them in their own little prison.

Now you will know that it's just a couple of stray demons next time you're crying for no reason. Oh. There is that.. Yeah, that'll be a problem.. Sorry, sorry, I should clear this up. One simple yet horrifying word: depression.

Yes.

Depression.

I know, me too. When I learned I was like, "pshh, nah man, not me, I'm WAYYY too happy for that."

Suuuure you are.

As you figure it out, you'll go through some stuff. Nothing much, just some denial, a hint of disbelief, oooh, and there may be a few times when you feel insane. OH, and you can never forget the moments where you feel like you weren't invited to the wedding because they didn't want you there. It's okay though, trust me, nobody actually has enough money to invite everyone they know to their wedding. Unless you're Donald Trump. Or a handful of other really famous people.

I'm getting off track, sorry. The point is that people don't hate you. You'll probably feel kind of awkward, and sometimes you'll cry at random points when you're just reading for your history exam, but that's okay. A lot of people do.

Don't feel bad if you just need to cry every once and a while. Even if you don't know why, you can just break down in your bedroom. Nobody can judge you for that. Seriously. If they do, feel free to give them a verbal slap. Spill out your emotion. It'll make them feel guilty and uncomfortable and even if you don't feel any better, that should at least get them off your back for a bit. Hang out by yourself or around people that make you happy. Your sudden burst of sadness or anger can be confusing, but it's just a lot of anxiety and stress that's built up inside you. It needs to be let out, you can scream it into your pillow, pour it into your writing *cough*, or draw/paint something expressive. Honestly, do whatever the hell helps you.

You deserve to be happy and be yourself. Get rid of the negative relationships in your life, it'll really help. I knew that when I was eleven, and now I'm actually a lot happier. Which is kind of sad, considering how depressed I am, but I still feel better knowing that there aren't as many toxic people in my life anymore.

Despite the fact that I'm still a depressed teenager that suffers from anxiety and a whole lot of other shit I don't want to dump on you, I'm doing alright. Yeah, I feel lonely a lot of the time, I don't always want to do what my parents tell me to do, but I do anyway. I know that being a good, responsible, determined, helpful teenager and young adult will help me later in life.

So. I hope this made you feel better. I don't really consider this chapter poetry, but it's related to emotions and mental health, and it honestly helped me get out some stress that needed to be released, so I included it here.

I hope you have more of a clear understanding of why you feel the way you do. Hopefully you know more about what makes you feel so bad or anxious. Maybe it made you realize something about yourself that you didn't know before. I honestly just want to make people feel better with this, so if there are any other topics you want me to touch on, let me know.

Well, anxiety, monsters, demons, depression, stress.. Sounds like a big insanity smoothie. If you ever need to talk, please contact me on my Instagram ( thcrin ) and DM me with your problems or feelings. I just want you all to feel good about yourselves. You deserve to love and care for yourself. So just promise me one thing. Promise me that you will love yourself and others as much as you can, and don't be afraid to let out your feelings. Just express yourself and be honest with people.

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I'm sorry I don't have time to edit this, but know that I care and that you can come to me with any problem you have.

Love you all!

Isabel