The Curious State of Loneliness

1. Pilot

There is something very peculiar about loneliness. It creeps up on you. Sometimes, you're even aware that it's creeping up on you, and you let it. There's something about it that doesn't seem frightening, so you sit idly and allow it to hold you. You let it engulf you because, it's just loneliness. All you need to be rid of it is for another individual to be present.

What you don't understand, as you allow loneliness to overtake you, is that loneliness isn't an external factor. Loneliness is internal; it's inside. It doesn't envelop you on the outside. It doesn't cover you like a blanket that you can shake off. It sneaks into you. It seeps into you. It gets absorbed through your skin, through your pores. It gets absorbed into the tissue linings of your organs.
And then, before you know it, you're helplessly lonely. Lonely inside.

Next, loneliness feels like it is you. When you feel lonely a lot, you become lonely. And then when you are lonely, it feels self-denying to try not to be. When you're excited and want to shout it out, you quickly catch yourself!
"This isn't me! I don't jump around and show my emotions."
So you sit back down. That incarnation of yourself that lives in your head sits back down, folds his legs and wraps his ankles, and curls himself into the chair back.

You can never be as hyped up as you feel.
Why? Because loneliness is being alone. Loneliness is the absence of company. Why shout out and jump around in excitement when there's no one there? Why express your feelings? Who are you expressing them to?

Exactly. No one.

So you constantly poker face, because it feels like you. It feels comfortable and familiar. It feels as things should be. Because not being lonely doesn't feel like you.

And all this because you thought loneliness was something it was not. Because you mistook it's form. Because you thought you could shake it off. Because you weren't wary of it. Because it was just loneliness.