Brave, Beautiful, Nobody

Day one

Walking around high school with low self esteem, sucks. I just started high school a month ago, and right after that; my self esteem dropped low. I'm more insecure than I was a year ago. I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying right after, and every time I look; I point out everything I hate about myself. I have dark brown small eyes, a long nose, and a long face. I turned myself away from the mirror, grabbed my phone, and plugged in my earphones. Blink-182: I miss you , my phone read. From a distance, I saw my friend waiting for me at my locker.

"Hey", I said, hiding the mood in my face and trying hard to smile. "Are you upset? Is it about your self esteem again? I saw you walk out of the bathroom. And I know when your upset. You can't fool me..." He told me, blurting out words after words.  I took out my earphones, and before I could reply he blurted out "You know insecurity is bad...right?" I try to laugh. He knows more about me, than I know about myself. " No way! Really?" I say sarcastically. He stares blankly at me. "Are you walking home?" I ask, changing the subject. "Oh. Yeah. Um...not really. I forgot to tell you I have soccer, so my mom's picking me up." He says, scratching his head. "Teach me your ways" I say as we both laugh, and split apart as the bell rings to go home.

I walked home, went up my driveway, and entered my house as I watched my mother dance around to her new favourite song on the radio. "Well, how was school?!" She yells across the room. "Great." I mutter. She probably didn't hear me over her -5 volumed 'Can't feel my face, by The Weekend'.

I ran upstairs to my bathroom, and turned on the tap to wash my hands. I caught a glimpse of myself. Ugghhh. What's wrong with me?  Why do I look like this? I asked myself. I start to frown. I really need to fix myself.  Every time. Every time I look at myself in the mirror. I just felt better, now look. Thoughts rush through my head. I'm definitely not your average pretty teenage girl. I try to comfort myself. My goal is to look at myself everyday, until I feel better, and I can accept myself for who I am. So far it's not exactly working as planned. I really don't like my long face.

Everyday, I have something to complain about myself. If it's not my eyes, it's my face shape. If it's not my face shape, it's my nose. My mom always calls me 'beautiful', but that's only because she is slowly realizing I am becoming insecure. Whenever my mom calls me 'beautiful' or 'pretty', I always shake my head no; and then she gets upset and starts lecturing me about self confidence.  A lot of people are realizing the difference in me, and I really don't want to hide it. I want to find people who aren't confident like me. Maybe we could help each other.

I can't even look through magazines without having to walk away in pain. Sometimes I find myself scrolling through 'How to fix your face with surgery' websites on the  Internet. I don't like how I feel about myself. I'm always reflecting on my thoughts, instead of hanging out with friends, and sometimes I'm to weak to move. I feel like someone pushed me off a high building, and I'm on the ground not being able to move, bleeding. I just feel weak and upset and I just want to cover my face with a paper bag! I miss the 12 year old fun, happy, kind me. I really want the old me back...