A Love so Painful

Arising Emotions

"Your mine," he whispered as his lips grazed my ear lobe and then travelled down my neck kissing ever so softly. I whimpered at the unfamiliar affection of another, "stop. You have to stop. Please," I protested, my words barely above a whisper. His hand held my chin, pushing up firmly to have better access to my neck. I drew in a breath as he nipped and licked at the exposed flesh "please. I never wanted this," I protested again. His tongue travelled slowly up my neck to my ear making me bite my lip trying desperately not to moan. "I know," he huskily whispered as he chewed gently on my earlobe. I drew in a shallow breath and shut my eyes, I didn't want to cry but I could feel the tears start to well in my eyes. If I opened my eyes they would most likely fall, I bit my lip again but this time to stop from saying anything that would give my discomfort away. His movements stopped and he pulled back. "Your crying," he stated, it wasn't a sympathetic statement it was more emotionless. "Yes. I'm crying, I told you to stop and you didn't," I knew this wasn't the truth but I would never tell him that. That I was shedding tears because of the simple fact that I loved him and he did not love me. "Bullshit," he whispered fiercely, cupping my chin with a death like grip. His next words were guttural and raw "tell me the real reason. You are not telling me the truth," his grip tightened by the time he had finished talking and I instinctively shut my eyes tighter. "No!" I blew out flinching back as though the very word burned me. He abruptly let go of me and stepped back "I'm giving you one last chance," he said, his fists clenched by his sides. "If you don't tell me the real reason I will. I will," he couldn't finish the sentence and I opened my eyes letting the tears fall freely down my cheeks. I looked up at him with my raw emotions shown on my face, he looked up planning on meeting my gaze but I let it fall to the crimson wool carpet that layered the floor. "Don't make me do this Louise please. Just tell me the real reason and you will be spared the consequences," his words were pitiful and I scowled to myself. He always did this. "Master. I will not tell you the real reason for fear of your statement. I'm sorry, master. I cannot speak those words which you know are true." I kneeled in front of him, spreading my thighs and staring blankly at the crimson carpet that was always the centre of my attention. "I cannot." My final words were not even a whisper, just my lips moving. "Fuck!" he hissed through his teeth, I watched as his foot came up to my waiting form and I anticipated the blow. Although it  never came, I dare not look up at my master for fear of more punishment. He let out a shallow breath "you love me." I barely heard his next words, they were so quiet. So, so quiet. Warm welcome tears fell from my eyes onto the carpet, blurring my vision. I guttural sob left my lips without my consent and I gulped in air that I so desperately needed. I could feel him staring through me, knowing that what he had said was the truth. The truth I had been keeping from him "you love me," he repeated this time louder and clearer. My form sank into the carpet; legs pulled to my chest, head tucked into my body. I shut my eyes as the tears fell, making my breathing become shallow and forced. "And I do not love you." His words were like a knife to the gut, like someone choking me. A never ending pain that overtook my entire body. I shut my eyes tight, drew in my last breath and everything stopped. All I could sense around me for the last few moments to come were an intake of breath and my name being called by the one person I loved and truly adored "Louise."

All I could hear was my breathing, a calm and even rhythm soothing me instantly. I relaxed into the bed concentrating on the sounds around me, listening I could hear someone else's breathing. It sounded laboured and anxious, everything else was silent. I attempted at opening my eyes but they stayed shut as though someone had sealed them closed. I listened again to the breathing and estimated it was to my left, hesitantly I twitched my fingers on my right hand. They moved and I sighed leaving my lips slightly open. I felt someone grab my left hand and relaxed even more, I recognized his touch. It was rough and callused against my skin and made tremors shoot down to my core. His thumb brushed against my knuckles soothingly "I'm so sorry," he practically moaned. His voice was husky and hoarse as though he hadn't spoken for some time. "I got carried away in the moment and I didn't know how to control myself," he carried on still absentmindedly rubbing my knuckles. I grabbed onto his hand with my own and he gripped it tighter "you know I can't love." I barely heard what he said because it was so quiet and I knew what he said was true. He was a man of many talents but love was just not something he knew how to comprehend. I knew when I first fell in love with him, that it would come to a dead end, a place that meant not going further. I did not know what I had gotten into at the time but as our relationship progressed the blunt consequences, quite rudely, had slapped me in the face. Just not a month ago he had stated quite clearly that he did not feel the same and that my love for him was a lost cause. It had been time for me to move on, step out of this life and into another. One more forgiving, and labelled as normal. All these thoughts flooded my mind and I let out a guttural sob. For I knew in my heart I would never, in all heaven, love anyone other than him. My world and my life would always be him. I attempted at opening my eyes once more and they fluttered open revealing a not so appealing sight to my eyes. My master had grown a fair amount of stubble, he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep and they were red from crying. I shut my eyes hoping what I was seeing was not real but when I opened them again the truth was still sitting before me. "Master?" I croaked wanting to punish myself for sounding so full of emotion. He refused to make eye contact but I saw a single tear slip from his eye. Only to be wiped away furiously by its owner who was scowling at the wall. All sorts of questions flooded my mind but one stood out from all of them. Why does he look so ragged? Knowing my master he always makes it an effort to look professional. His appearance dominating and seductive and a look that made all men and women squirm under his gaze. "I hurt you Louise," it was not meant to sound tormented but my expression faltered to one of disbelieve. He abruptly noticed and growled realizing his words had held more emotion than what he wanted to show. it couldn't be, he said he did not love me. He said it couldn't work, that he didn't feel the same way although, he did. Master loved me just as much as I loved him but why did he lie was my question. "What are you doing to me?" he murmured looking at his hand holding mine. "I never knew what love was but you show it so clearly. As if your love is as pure of that of an angels; raw and entirely your own." I looked at him bewildered, what could that mean, I look at him the same way I would look at everyone else. "If you truly love me then you'll let me go," I closed my eyes not registering what he was saying. He got up from the chair and grabbed his jacket, leaving the room without a second glance. As the door shut I realized what he meant and scrambled to find him and stop him. Although I had no strength to run to him, I couldn't even shed the tears that desperately needed to fall. My lips quivered in despair as I realized I had just lost the one man I so truly loved and adored. I had never loved someone more than I love him now and he was gone. "Master," I hoarsely whispered "master please. Please don't do this to me," my breathing became ragged as I worded the last phrase I would have said to him. "Master I'm begging you, I love you and if this is the only way you can love me back than I don't care. I don't want you to go, I don't want to lose you." I hiccupped and took one last breath to say what I needed to but I came up short. A single tear trickled down my cheek, I had forgotten his real name, the name of my master. This one person I so truly loved and I did not know his name. "I love you," I stuttered trying to search for his name. Thomas? Simon? Lewis? What was his name?! I bit my lip in despair and fell into a deep slumber, one that would bring back memories of the past. When I first met Master.