So Much Lighter, Destiel.

I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter now I met you

And, honey, you should know

That I could never go on without you

~

The air was thick, and it felt like his throat was closing; chest caving in. "Go!" He yelled, eyes glittering with not-yet-fallen tears. Castiel hanged his head, staring with half-lidded eyes at his shoes. He left silently. Just like he always does. Dean let the tears fall hard and cold against his warm skin. He slammed his fist on the table, making Sam worried enough to poke his head around the corner. "You okay?" he asked softly. "Fine." Dean lied, teeth clenched as he tipped off the cap to a bottle of beer. Sam walked out of his room, standing in front of Dean in silence. "Sam, I don't want to talk about it." Dean said, looking up at him with red, puffy eyes. "Dean, I- I'm sorry, dude." "I don't want to talk about it." "That's great, Dean. But frankly, I'm more concerned about where the hell Cas is going to go." Sam's eyes widened in frustration.

"He's human now, Dean. He could die any second, and once he's out of reach there's no chance we'll find him." Dean stepped closer, grabbing his collar in one hand. "Don't you dare say that. Any of that." Sam pushed his hand away, frowning and trying not to cry at the pitiful state his brother was in. There was so much he could be doing, but he couldn't. It killed him. "I'm going to look for Cas." Sam said blankly, snagging the keys from the table in case he'd need them. Dean sat on the table, downing his beer and throwing the empty bottle at the wall. He fell to his knees in broken glass, weeping in painful, choked back sobs. 

Sam opened the door quietly, peaking out and stepping into the moonlight. He heard muffled sobs and searched around with his eyes. "Cas?" He called out, but there was no answer. He ran to the car, the crying become louder. He opened her up, but there was no fallen angel inside. He walked around the car, and laying against the Impala's metal dress was Cas, face wet with visible tears. He looked up at Sam helplessly. "Leave. I'll be fine." "Cas, where are you going to go?" Sam kneeled next to him, hand on his shoulder. "I don't know. But I do believe it doesn't matter." Sam sighed, looking him in the eyes. "Cas, you're family now- you've always been family. And you aren't strong enough to fight for your grace on your own." "Tell that to Dean." 

Sam was struggling. He needed to tell cas the truth. He had to.  "Cas, Dean is...different. He- He doesn't say things the way that we do. He doesn't show his emotions the way we do." "That's obvious." Sam sighed, trying to find the words to explain. "Dean has feelings..." Cas nodded, sniffling and waiting for him to continue. "And he has, uh, certain feelings...for you." Cas looked up, eyes wide with hope. His cheeks were still wet with tears and his throat pounded and threatened a sob. "Cas, Dean's in love with you, and he's not going to say it unless I do, so-"

"Then why did he kick me out? If he loves me, why does he treat me like a piece of shit and make me feel helpless? If I loved someone, I wouldn't hurt their feelings and send them out because of one mistake. I wouldn't hurt them in a way that I'm not even sure can be fixed." Sam shrugged microscopically, shaking his head as it hanged. "I don't know, Cas. But Dean, he is...different." "Why doesn't he tell me? Why do you have to?" "Because Dean is afraid. He's afraid of losing you and afraid of being alone. Like he is now." "Sam?" "Yeah?" Sam was shaking in the cold, and the tears on Cas' face could have been icicles. 

"Would Dean kill me if I went back inside?" Sam laughed bitterly, looking up at the stars for an answer. For anything. "Most likely." Sam winked, hoping Cas would understand what he needed to do. Cas nodded, stading up, wobbly on his feet. "Oh, cas..." Cas tilted hsi head sideways. 'You didn't even put on shoes?" Cas looked down and started laughing. Sam was taken aback. He'd never heard Castiel laugh before, and it was weird. It lasted only, a few seconds before he dragged Sam in with him by the shoulder. 

Cas stepped over the broken glass carefully, noting the blood but ignoring it. The shower was running in the bathroom, the door closed and locked. Cas tried to open it several times before giving up and pounding his fist against the door. Sam ran to catch up, pounding his fist against the white wood and screaming Dean's name in a chant. There was no answer. Sam kicked down the door, pulling it off of a paassed out dean and holding him close, checking his pulse and signs of breathing. 

He nodded to Cas, who sighed with relief and caught the keys Sam threw to him. "I've got Dean, you start the car." Cas ran, Sam fallowing close behind cautiously. "Cas, you're goign to ahve to drive." Sam said as he stood next to the passengers seat. "What? I can't drive." "Well, you're going to have to." Sam sit down, Dean on his lap as he inspected every inch. he stunk of alcohol and there wasn't much else he could tell. "Probably alcohol poisoning. Hurry!!" Cas fumbled with the keys, starting the car and trying. 

"Good, good. Left is brake, right is gas. Drive slow, but not too slow, we still need to get there." "Got it." He grabbed Dean's hand and held it tight. Sam smiled, and looked out at the night sky, content with seeing the fallen angel so happy. And the thought that maybe he wasn't happy-maybe he was screaming in pain on the inside-kept him on edge throughout the drive. But he clinged to dean with hsi life, for his brother's, and he wasn't letting go.