Undercover (Boyxboy)

Chapter Twenty-One

Harry

I wanted to grab Tom's hand that was resting on Ethan's back and snap it. The hint of a smirk on his annoying face was enough to make my blood boil and make me forget to keep my cool. I could see Hugh eyeing me, trying to salvage the situation I was causing. But it was useless. I went into this mission, determined not to have any regrets – but right now, regret was the only word screaming in my head.

To see how emotionless he was killed me... I knew it was selfish of me to be disappointed by his lack of emotion but I had hoped he would have had some sort of reaction towards me returning. I had been a wreck on the flight back over, going against everything Harvey and Jennifer had told me. I knew they wouldn't be happy that I came back. They doubted my strength on seeing him face to face. They had told me I wouldn't be able to handle it – I wouldn't be able to keep up the act. Apparently, they were right to doubt me judging by my behaviour.

I wasn't strong enough to act around Ethan – I couldn't bear keeping up the pretence.

But I had to come back – for Georgie. Hugh let it slip to me that his remains had been found and that the funeral was being held this weekend. Nothing or nobody could have kept me away. And to be honest, I needed to see Ethan – I overestimated how strong I was. I thought I could do this, be away from him for so long, knowing that it was to finally end this hell once and for all. To end this torturous chapter of our lives.

That had been the opening phrase of Harvey and Jennifer's plea to me to undertake this secret mission. It had had the wanted effect – I was all ears at the prospect of finally ending the sad excuses of humanity that were Dawson and my sadistic pig of a father. But leaving Ethan – I was sure nothing could be enough for me to do that. Until something was enough – information that changed everything.

I had counted on Ethan being hurt, angry and then murderously livid at me once I returned. But I knew he would understand in time... I had done this for us. For our futures – for Barbados. I counted on all of these things. There was one thing I had never counted on, however.

I never, ever counted on him moving on. From the updates Harvey had been sending me every week, Ethan was as far from being 'okay' as I was. This often brought me to my knees as I imagined him, so lonely and confused about why I did this to him.

Harvey's updates offered me little happiness other than the fact that I knew Ethan wasn't going to fall out of love with me. Our love for each other was too strong for it to ever end. As long as he still cared for me, I could latch onto the hope I needed so much that what I was doing was right.

To hear how badly he was taking it often killed the hope in me – I had to fight every day to get up and do my duty. But even then, I saw his face in my head during every waking second. Harvey had sent me a photo he had taken of Ethan one week, teaching a younger agent how to fight. He was still as physically perfect as I remembered. But his eyes were dead – no light left in them.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself from that moment on.

At least I knew he loved me... But he thought I had left him. He thought I didn't want him anymore. Playing the part of being unhappy with him all those months ago was the worst thing I had ever done in my life – being tortured by my father came second to the torture I was put through seeing Ethan's face fall every time I snapped at him. Or every time his eyes saddened when I pulled away from his embrace.

But now that I was thinking about it, did I even know that he still loved me anymore? From the scene unfolding, the shock was starting to hit me. He didn't care that I was back. Either he was an unbelievable liar or my reappearance was a genuine inconvenience to him. I didn't think he would be able to hide his feelings around me, though. Not with these circumstances being so fucked up and intense.