Drawn into Darkness

Nothing Ever Matters

Everything I ever was doesn't count, it never counted. Life never mattered not now, not ever. I prefer to be unnoticed, I don't want to seek for attention and people who do usually end up hating themselves for being so shallow. I don't need to be self conscious, popular, confident or the same as others to know that I am special. It runs through my blood every waking day or my life and never rests.

I don't hate myself, blame myself or deserve to be someone else. I am who I am and I am fine with that as long as I do what I do best... Observe.

***

"Honey I need you to start believing in yourself and setting goals. You heard what the doctor said. You are not in depression, but you still need all the support you can get so, how about you make a little bit more effort into making friends today, hey?"

It was my first day of school, more like my first day at the fifth school in one year. I do not do all that I have been accused of, maybe most of it was me, but the rest was not. It was probably my other self.
I stared at my mom, the bags under her eyes were deeper than normal and showed lack of sleep.

Her once beautiful face, sprawled with slight wrinkles that couldn't be mistaken. Her light blonde hair and blue eyes slightly flushed from stress and sleepless nights. Yet through all that she has been through, her smile lifted everything and showed the once beautiful face that had no worries.

"I'll try, but I can't promise anything."
Her smile faltered as she came to realisation that nothing will ever change. She hugged me shivering slightly. "Don't let them bring you down like this Alex, don't let them treat you like your not important, because you are." Tears formed on the corners of both her eyes.
"It's not me that doesn't feel important mom, its them that aren't important to me..." And with that I climbed out of my mothers car, and made my way towards the school building.

Everything always went the same, like a routine. I would go to a new school, work hard enough to pull of some of my classes and then the rumors would start. I would have no friends, then life would become hell as I actually start causing trouble, then I would be either expelled or my mom would pull me out to another school. It's like she never learns. She's not wasting my time, but her own.

I head to the reception and ask for my class schedule. The woman behind the counter looks at me, shocked to see such a lost soul I'm guessing. She directs me to my first class which is History.

Lincoln Hill High School looked better than any of the other schools that I went to, but I still knew nothing would change, all will go as normal.

We reach the class after what feels like miles of walking. The receptionist knocks on the door and opens it to enter, I follow behind, I wasn't nervous but I didn't like it when people stared. You can feel them scrutinize you under their needy glares, that seemed to be trying to piece your history from the way that you look or act in front of them.

The teacher who was a middle-aged man, came closer and discussed something with the receptionist. I was sent to sit next to a girl who had a nose piercing. She looked me up and down trying to come to a conclusion on whether to befriend me or not.
"Don't even try!" I warned her before she could open her mouth to say something.

Apart from the girl and girls who seemed to be her friends giving me disgusted looks, class went by smoothly and this time I actually knew what was happening, and that was the benefit of repeating quite a grades in different schools. I have never failed or anything, I just had to repeat for my own sake, they say.
The Bell rang and I made my way to my fifth lesson since I missed the first three when I came. My next class was Drama.

The class had too many colors, to try and focus on one seemed like an impossible task. The class was full or hyper teenagers, who all seemed like they were having a competition on who could speak louder than the first person. The lesson hadn't started yet, so I had time to decide where to sit first.