At night, when I close my eyes I still smell him. I still see his face. I still remember. I do not remember the way he made me safe or the way he would go out of his way to protect me or the way he had never, ever let anyone hurt me but I remember the day he left. The way he looked at me, dead in the eyes and left. The feeling of emptiness that overwhelmed me. I loved him. I missed him. I missed the way he would always wake me up with the same sentence "If the sun comes up, so can you." I missed the way he would always slide that one strike of hair that covered my face and said "I have the most beautiful woman in the world. And I need the world to see it." The trust we had built. The life we were beginning. Everything. After Three and a half months, after losing my job and isolating myself from my family, after three and a half months of doing nothing other than eating, drinking and sleeping I had finally decided to text someone, anyone. I just wanted to speak to someone. I just needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay that I was going to make it through. I would've even accepted one of those corny quotes like "Life is made of ups and downs." I just needed to to have human contacts with anyone. I needed to cry on someone's Shoulders and not my pillow. I needed to feel human. So I plug in my phone and after ten minutes it finally turns on.. 416 E-mails. 64 Tweets and 57 Messages. But none from the person that actually mattered, Travis. I had not understood the finality of loss I did not want to accept the fact that he was gone -at least to me- and he was never coming back for me, I hoped- even if I did not want to let me do so-I hoped he would coming back. I hoped he realized he made the dumbest decision of his life and he was coming back for me. I started reading all the tweets I received when my phone started ringing.
- Hello ? Hey ?
- Hey Stacey, how are you ?
- Oh my God ! Sasha ? Hey ! OMG hey !
- Why are you so surprised I'm answering my phone, Stacey ?
- Well, I'm not sure but I might say because you didn't answer that same phone for the past... DECADE !
- Oh, hey. Calm down there. It has only been 18 weeks.
- Are you hearing this? Are you hearing yourself ? Where are you ?
- At home, why ?
- Of course you're at home, the only place no one would look for you. Stay put. I'm coming over.
I know Stacey, she is my best friend and I know for a fact that no matter what I can say to convince her she will stop at nothing from reaching up to me. All my life ever since tenth grade she has been there for me. It is true she was prettier than me, smarter than me and when it came to boys she always had her way but even behind her makeup, her perfect black hair and her bitchy attitude, she was an amazing friend.
I go ahead and open the curtains and the warmth of the sunlight had never felt this charming.
"You are now going to move on... This can't be the end of your life." I tell myself while looking out the window. I jump in the shower and take a look at the mirror. I looked so pale. My hair was still brown and curly. I had big bags under my eyes, my lips were dry, Cracking dry and my teeth had gone one or two shades darker. I turn on the shower and stretch a little when I looked at the pink wall and thought it was about time I grew old and painted them white. I go under the warm water and I can't stop thinking about him. The thought of never seeing him again made me cry. I cried and fell on my knees and cried harder I started covering myself as if someone was looking or mocking me. "What did I do to deserve this?" I thought when the doorbell rang. "Oh fuck, Stacey" I quietly said while wiping my face. "Wait a sec" I shouted and stretched to get the bone-dry towel, I tied it above my breast, looked at myself in the mirror, put up the biggest smile I could and walked out.
I opened the door and there she was. I looked at her too afraid to do anything when she gave me a huge hug. "What are all those shopping bags for ?" I say while I let her walk in "Oh don't mind this I'm holding it for my driver... They are for you, Idiot !" She says while sitting on the sofa. "Wow, I did not miss the sarcasm." I shut the door and go sit right next to her, for a moment the place is too silent and then she holds my hand looks at me and smiles "Bitch, you love me." She says while opening the shopping bags "Okay, I got these from Prada, AMAZING dress and goes perfectly with these Louis Vuitton Shoes and What's a woman with no bag ? Caboum ! Look at this Lancel bag, isn't it fabulous?" I look at her, burst in laughter and I reply in the worst forced british accent "Oh yes, yes. Very fabulous" I look at all the bags and look at her "But a couple of questions." I say "First, why am I getting these ? Second why does it feel like we're going to a funerals? And third, why are you dressed like a 90's stripper ?" She laughs a little and looks at me as if I was supposed to know the answer to my questions "Well, darling. Black is the new pink and we are going clubbing. I think it was about time you got yourself another man." I look down to my hands and say almost in tears "I don't want another man, I want Travis." Stacey Hits my thighs a little too hard and says "Oh, unless you can grow a penis, the man is gone... Travis, Gay." She says it and it hurts and I don't know if it's because deep down in me I know it is true or the fact that she could have sugar quoted it but it hurts and I say rather angrily "I don't believe it, Stacey. He did stuff to me no gay man could've ever done." Stacey Sighs and stands up and starts walking to the Kitchen "But still, here we are. You know what Sasha, you can either stay here and cry to your early death or shake it off and follow me to the club !" She looks at me bends on the counter and waits for my answer "Club it is." I say regretting my decision immediately. "Great, but it's still early. Let's use this time to catch up." She replies while making coffee. Stacey loved coffee. It kept her awake and energetic. Once she literally got into a fight with a server for getting Her coffee order wrong. "What did you do this past 18 weeks" she says taking a sip off her coffee. "Well, I slept. And mostly watched Tv eating ice cream." I see the look in her eyes. She knew automatically I was hurting. She wanted to help but didn't know how. "Well, there are other boys out there you know. Have you heard from Stan ?" Stan was my high school sweetheart. I loved him so much, he was tall, averagely muscular. Headquarter in the school's football team. He was a brunette that came to school every month with a new haircut and he was the most popular kid at school. Stacey knew he was my first love all throughout tenth grade when I couldn't stop speaking about him. We dated for three years until we ended it. He stayed in Colorado earning Minimum wage and I left for New york. "Stan ? Really ? I haven't spoken to him in like one and a half year"I say while looking for Stacey's phone in her bag. "I know" Stacey said while holding her mug "But it won't change the fact that he was your first" She says and I start laughing "OMG, do you remember our foursome ? You, me, Stan and Carter." She looks down embarrassed when I scream "What the fuck ?!"
"What's it ?" Stacey says while dropping her coffee and running towards me she leans down and I show her a picture of Stan "He became a fucking footballer" I stop and ask myself. How do you become a professional athlete in a year and a half. "Should I text him ?" I asked Stacey. "Of course you should, why wouldn't you ?" Well I stop to think "Well he might think I'm contacting him for his money or fame." She looks at me and walks back to the kitchen counter "Well, you're already super rich. Just do it." I smile and send him a carefully worded text. Stacey and I talk about everything and nothing when I snap and say "The sun is setting let's go clubbing."
"Yay ! Okay, let's go get ready." She runs towards me and grabs all the purchases and runs with them to my room. I go get a glass of water and I hear her scream from my room "Come on, what are you waiting for ?" I drink up the rest of my cup of water run upstairs and I see Stacey sitting on My bed and searching through my phone. "What are you doing?" I say a little nervous "Are you still talking to him ?" She says "Why are you doing this to yourself." I have no Idea what she is talking about, I lock my phone screen and go plug it "What are you talking about ?" I tell her while seating besides her. "Travis sent you several messages. Look, you'll just hurt yourself if you continue" She speaks and I get to the understanding that she believes I'm still somehow friends with Travis after all he did. "No, no," I say " I just turned on my phone. I had no Idea he still had my number, let's not worry about Travis. Let's just go have a good time" I take the dress, put it on even if it is relatively short and I'm not wearing any underwear. "Let's go." I say grabbing her hand and pulling her outside. I take my purse, throw it in the Lancel bag together with a few make ups. We get in the car and the ride to the bar had never been so quiet. I wanted to talk but I had no idea what to talk about. We get to the bar and I rush in and order two glasses of Martinis. I take a sip off my Martini and I already felt dizzy, what happened to me. I then shake my head and complain to myself the music is too loud. I see Stacey dancing and calling for me when I shake my head rather brutally to make her understand there was no way I was going to dance. I take another sip off my Martini and stop to think "Have I gone Soft ?" Are my best years behind me ? I am only 21 after all. I walk on the dance floor and Stacey comes in front of me and start dancing so much I feel a little uncomfortable. She then holds my hands and raise them in a weird motion that makes me understand she is drunk. I look into her eyes and stop her from moving my hands. I grab her face and give her a gentle slap and pull her off the dance floor to the bar when the bar tender brings two shots of Vodka. I look at the glasses of vodka, look at him, look back at the Vodka "I did not order these" I say while making sure Stacey doesn't fall off her sit. "I know" the bar tender says "Those guys ordered them for you." I look at them and The first one had long black hair tied in a man bun and a little beard he had probably forgotten to shave, A white T-Shirt and skin tight black jeans and high Basket Shoes. "Hey, My name is Brandon" He said staring right at me and The second had cut off the sides of his hair and shoved the rest to the left almost covering his eye. He wore a blue, purple shirt and a and blue jeans. "I'm Steve". I try greeting them while not letting Stacey fall and it ended up being a real weird moment so I giggled. "You're cute" Brandon said. "Thank you, I'm Sasha. And this my friend is Stacey. She's kinda drunk." I say as she fell off her chair. Steve then ran to help her up. "You're a hot fellow" Stacey said while she grabbed his dick. Steve then looked at Brandon and said "I'll take her out for some fresh air." He then carries her and they leave the bar. "So where are you from?" He asked me while ordering two more Vodkas "Well, I'm from Colorado. But I came here to have the New york experience." The Bar tender then brings the glasses of Vodkas "wow, you come from far" He says while looking the glasses "Drink up." Brandon then takes a big shot at one of the four glasses on the bar. I take a sip off my cup and I immediately feel like peeing "Where do you come from ?" I ask him as I take another sip. "Well, I was born in Canada but I grew up in Michigan and now I got an apartment here in Bloomfield" he said looking right at me. I drank the whole glass and took a sip off the other. "Can I get your number" he asked a little stressed as he put his left hand on his left knee and his right hand on the counter. "Oh sure" I then gave him my number "You want to go some place quieter ?" He said while finishing his cup. I nod agreeing and finishing my cup too. We walk out the back gate and I see Stacey and Steve making out on the bench a little too far. "Where do you want to go" he says taking a step closer to me. "I don't know" I reply putting my hand on his chest playfully. Everything was calm and I was about to kiss him when I heard a voice from behind,
"Get away from her !" It said, the voice sounded familiar. "Sasha, run away from him ! Now !" He kept on shouting. "Travis, is that you ?" I say trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness while he kept on coming closer, faster and faster. "I turn back around when Brandon pulls out a knife so I try running when he grabs my hand. Travis then punches him so hard that Brandon fell "Run away !" Travis kept on saying while hitting Brandon with his legs. "What's happening ?" I say scared. Travis then turns around hugs me and says "You are not safe here. I will need you to run now. Go home and start packing your stuff. I'll come meet you in an hour, Go!" As I went I heard a loud gun shot that almost deafened me. I turned around and saw Travis fall to the ground it felt like slow motion I started running towards him while he fell to the ground. I caught him and started seeing him bleed while Brandon stood up and tried skipping away "Help ! Somebody help me ! Help." I then try to take my phone off my pocket. The blood on my hand makes it hard to dial 911 I end up calling and while the phone rang I called for help I looked back up and saw Stacey run towards me while Steve ran in the opposite direction. I look down to Travis "Stay with me, come on please." I say while pressing my hand against his wound. "Travis please say something" I start crying when he tries speaking and coughs out blood. "No ! Okay, you are not leaving me here alone" He coughs again and he says "I always loved you" At that moment time stopped. Everything went blank. I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I felt like a knife was stocked in my chest, My heart died a little I scream "No ! No no no please no. Stay with my Trav', Trav'. Travis please" i kept saying while hearing "911, what's your emergency, 911. This is 911 what is your Emergancy." He closed his eyes and my phone fell off my hand. "Nooo !" I scream while bending down to hug his dead, inactive body. There he was. Dead. At that moment I wasn't me. I did not care if my hair wasn't in a perfect curl or if my mascara was running down he felt twice as heavy and his head kept falling back. I look up and see Stacey talking to the 911 operator I look back at him. Yell at him, shake him but nothing, Just blood flowing. I look at him in the eyes one last time and Close them. Look up to see Stacey. She looks back at me and gives me a hug. "It will all be over soon, don't worry. It will all be over soon."
