Scars Not Often Seen

Lets Change Shoes

I thought you would understand as well as you did my homework. No need for explanations. .... Now I see how you don't know what its like to be me.

Is it quiet? Where you are now? Is it empty? Is he always with you still? Did you tell him what I said? I'm sorry to say this but what happened was well over due. It frustrates me how you pretend to care he was always the apple of your eye.

I'm sitting here looking at my keys, they are pointing in different directions; one's pointing to your direction, another to London. I shake them like he did to me.

It hurts me to think that after all you guys said... I still care. But to say I don't understand would be the understatement of the year... how could you say....say...that? All I wanted was for you to hold me and say you'll listen and that it's ok, but that's not your thing you never comforted me when I was upset and crying.

I remember the whole thing. I was walking back from the park, after drinking.... I know it not good for me but that is not the point. I was ambushed by a guy I trusted, he thought it was funny but then all of a sudden he grabbed me and.... and...he said it would be fine as long as I didn't struggle but I struggled and....and...he hit me, mum. I blacked out. Once I woke up I.... scrambled up in need to find my torn clothes...I couldn't believe what happened but I phoned a taxi as soon as I could in case he came back....I felt violated. The man in the taxi asked if I wanted him to phone the police, I said no... I just wanted to come home. As I neared the door I got a text. It was from him....he said that I was to tell you an excuse and he gave the excuse he wished me to use and I did I said it I said "all the girls in our year have done it" my heart tore into pieces the moment those words left my lips. You were so disgusted; you could barely look at me so you sent me to my room.

I am sitting here on a cold bench crying on our family picture, staining it with my running mascara. I look like one of those horror dolls in films like Chucky. I am sorry that I stole it from you but when I was in my room the lined wallpaper made me feel trapped. I had to get away. I felt imprisoned for a crime I didn't commit.

I hated how you would make your dreams happen through me, I hated those curtains but that wasn't why I cried...I cried because it felt like I was morphing into you. I was losing control of my life, forgetting who I was. My old curtains made me feel normal and I had gotten them from dad.

You never did love him really did you? You loved a guy named Pete. I heard you and dad fighting every night; you end up saying "Pete was a better man than you could ever have dreamed to be." I don't see why me no longer being a virgin is a problem for as dad told me 'bout you and your romantic night on the hill. You know what I mean. You not being a virgin when it was time for you to get married. How could you stand in a white dress and lie about being pure? I don't see why I am surprised you always lie you always exaggerate the truth.

Oh, now I wish you and dad were here to hold me... why don't you like me? I guess it is because I remind you a lot of your mum and it scares you...I think it is my loud jolly laugh that scares you the most. Why don't you talk about her anymore? .... I want to go home but you don't want me ...

I don't actually know why I am writing this. I guess it's just comforting to explain everything to you even if it is in my head. I will leave this here. I will go to London. Or Cardiff even.

Are you happy that the innocent, dirty and wicked slut is out of your life?

Bye...mum