When she was a baby, her eyes were very big. Always seem so curious. Silent whenever you talk. As if she's listening to every word you said, nodding even when you ask for affirmation. When she was a toddler, she's very fond of picking her own clothes. She has this contagious cheek-to-cheek smile whenever she wears blue and a small smile whenever she wears pink. We figured then that she prefers blue than pink. That's why whenever she sees me wear blue, she would hug me tightly and I would hug her slightly. Too afraid that I might crush her.
When she started going to school, she would talk about everything she's done and she's learned. Her parents were too busy so I was the one who heard most of her stories. I will never forget the story of her giving all of her snacks to her classmate who hasn't had lunch. It makes me proud to know that she has a kind heart.
I will never get tired hearing her stories, but the stories stopped when she reached highschool. She has her group of girl friends to share her stories with. Of course, girls would understand her more because they are of the same sex. However, never has she forgotten about our weekly movie dates. She might be late sometimes but she will always arrive. Well, until college happened.
She went to a university far from home and comes home twice or thrice a year. Four times if we're lucky. We exchange text messages but it will never be enough. The presence is never the same. So whenever she comes home, we make sure to make her stay fruitful. We would go to places together like we used to, eat together at our ultimate favorite restaurant and sometimes, just hang out at her room, watching movies or simply talking about our lives. Those are the times that I really cherish. The sight of her inches away from me makes my soul smile. Which is why I capture these moments in my head to remember for the following days she'll be gone. During these moments, she looks relaxed and carefree. Comfy clothing. Genuine smile. Make up free face and a lazy messy bun tied by a big pink ribbon.
I never really liked how she likes to keep her hair up because it exposes the hickeys on her neck. And it hurts... But her eyes can be seen more clearly without the strands of her hair dangling and hindering my view of her brown eyes. Her smile shines more evidently without locks of her hair swaying just beside her sweet lips. And I wouldn't exchange all of that for one hickey.
When she earned her master's degree, I gave her a car which her parents weren't able to grant because they have passed away. It was a tough time for us but mostly for her. I've never seen so much tears came out from her eyes and I wish to wipe them all off for her but she has someone to do that for her. All I did was to give her a handkerchief and a hug. She hugged me tightly and sobbed. I can remember how she hugged me when she was still little. This time, I hugged her tighter. Wishing it would alleviate her suffering at that time.
We have never seen each other since she got her masters. She became busy with her work and I would be lying if I said I wasn't busy with mine as well. Then she visited my office one day. I was so surprised. She looked more stunning than ever in her blue three-piece suit. She asked, 'Can you spare 30 minutes of your time?'. How could I ever say no to that angelic voice of hers?
We went to the nearest coffee shop and had a little chitchat. Then she slid an envelope across my way. 'Open it', she urged. And so I did. There in my hands I held the invitation to her wedding. I smiled and congratulated her. She filled me in with the story of how she got proposed to. I think that was the story I wish I've never heard in my entire life. I congratulated her again when she finished and nodded when she said that I'd walk her down the aisle. We walked to where she was parked and when I saw her car, I asked what happened to the one I gave her. She said, she had it exchanged for her current one. I just smiled and commended the beauty of her current car.
The wedding day came. Everybody was ecstatic except me. But I tried my best to look as ecstatic like everyone else. The ceremony started and it was her turn to march down the aisle. She looked even more beautiful in her white dress while holding the most beautiful blue bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in hand. She had her hair up and I sighed a relief when I spotted no hickeys. She interlocked our arms together and said, 'I'm ready. Are you?' I laughed because I don't know how to answer the question and just kissed her forehead.
I marched beside her and saw the awe in everyone's eyes. I wouldn't blame them. She's really beautiful. Then we reached the groom's spot. 'I'll take it from here', he said. I smiled to him and was about to hand her when she hugged me and whispered, 'Thank you, Kuya. We might not really be siblings by blood but you'll always be my forever favorite one and only sibling'. I kissed her forehead and wiped her tears. 'Smile, beautiful', I whispered. I looked at the groom and said, 'Take care of her'. 'With all of my heart', he replied. I gave him her hand. And it hurts... And I thought seeing the hickeys hurt.
She looked at him with her brown eyes so eager and her sweet lips smiling so wide. I would exchange all of everything I have just to be the receiving end of that.
They exchanged vows and was announced husband and wife. Everybody was rejoicing except me. But I tried to look as like I was rejoicing like everyone else. When deep inside, it saddens me that I won't be able to have those kind of moments where we would just hang out and simplify talk about our lives. Because she has her husband to do that with her now. I'm just glad I captured those moments to remember when she's gone. Especially right now when she's really gone.
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Liefdesverdriet - (n.) the sadness, depression one feels about a love unanswered or a love that is gone.
