The Journal Of Dallas Winston

Chapter 4 (Final)

I was driving the boys back home to Tulsa so they could turn themselves in. While we were driving we passed the old church, and to our surprise it was burning. I drove down towards it to get a better look at it, then Ponyboy gets out of the car and starts running inside the burning church. I yell at him to get back in the car but he wouldn't listen, then Johnny goes and runs after him. I was furious with them both for doing something so stupid. I ran out of the car and looked through cracks in windows and wall trying to find Pony and Johnny, I heard Johnny yelling at Pony at the back of the church, so I ran to where I had heard them and took down the boards that covered the window. I saw Pony and Johnny helping little kids out of the burning church, they started handing them to me so I could put them down safely, the only reason I did was for Johnny, he wanted me to do it, so I did, the only reason I did anything was for Johnny. He was my little brother that would always look up to me for help, so I did what I could for him. After the little kids were all out of the church I yelled for Johnny and Pony to get out of there. I grabbed Pony's arm and pulled him out, his back was on fire so I gave him a good slap on the back to put it out. After Pony was out I turned around to see a piece of burning wood hit Johnny. My heart sank when I heard him scream in pain, I couldn't stand hearing Johnny in pain, he called for me to help him and I jumped through the window to grab him when the whole church collapsed on top of us. I was lucky enough to only get hit in the arm, the smell of the smoke filled my nose and lungs making me cough, I could barely see anything but I was determined to get Johnny out of there before he died. It was hot and I knew we needed to get out of there. I grabbed Johnny and pulled him out of the burning rubble and shook him begging and pleading for him to wake up, the smell of the burning flesh made me feel sick and the sight of Johnny didn't help, the ambulances came and picked all 3 of us up. They wanted to put us all in different ambulances but I insisted that me and Johnny were in the same one. They drove us to the hospital, the whole drive there I begging Johnny to wake up, I couldn't let him die now, he had too much to live for. I heard a few words come from his mouth, it relieved me to hear Johnny talk. "Dally? Is everyone gonna be O.K?", I started to cry a little and said "Yeah Johnny, everything's gonna be O.K", I didn't want to worry him anymore than he already was, my heart broke to see Johnny all burnt up like he was. This was my fault, I let my little Johnny get hurt, I let him do this, I could have made him stay in the car, But I let him run off anyway. My Johnny was hurt, my little brother was hurt all because he wanted to save a few kids' lives. It was a stupid move and I let him do it. We got to the hospital and the doctors put me and Johnny on stretchers. They rolled us to our rooms, we passed Ponyboy on the way and I looked him straight in the eye and said "If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'll kill you, man". The nurse helped me into the bed (even though I didn't need help). I told her to leave, because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. After she left my vision got blurred with tears, I was thinking about what could happen to Johnny, from what I saw he was burnt up pretty bad, I kept blaming myself for what happened to him. The vision of the church kept coming back to me, the heat felt like I was standing next to the sun, the smell reminded me of a cigarette, and the sight of Johnny burnt up broke my heart. No one really understood how broken I am, how defeated, how lonely, or how much I needed someone to hug me and say "everything is going to be O.K Dal, i'm here for you". I was always the tough one, the one that could stand up for himself, the one who didn't need anyone, but the truth is, I needed Johnny, and I needed Pony, and Soda, and Darry, and Two-Bit, and Steve. On the outside i'm a tough greaser, on the inside i'm kid that needs a hug every once in awhile because his dad wouldn't give him one, a kid that needed love. One of the only things I have is sitting in the E.R covered in burns, just waiting to succumb to the pain and suffering it's gone through it's whole life, waiting to leave this horrible place that it was thrown into, waiting to leave the pain the it could never escape, waiting to be free, waiting to die, a lost puppy in a world of hate, waiting to die, Johnny sitting in an E.R waiting for what's to come, waiting to be happy. I could lose one of the only things that kept me going all these years. Johnny was the only person who truly understood how broken I am inside, and i'm about to lose him. Everything was about change, things can change faster than a blink of an eye and it's hard to cope when it does. I was about to lose one of the most important things to me, one of my best friends, the brother I always wanted, the brother I always needed, the brother I needed because I didn't have a family. Johnny and the gang are my family, the only family I ever had. They helped me cope with all the hurt I had, but Johnny, Johnny understood the hurt, he could relate. I did everything because Johnny wanted me to, Johnny wanted me to live, so I lived, for him. I did it for Johnny, man. No, I did it because I wanted to see Johnny happy, and I always get what I want, and to make Johnny happy I did what he wanted me to do, because that's what made him happy. I couldn't stand to see Johnny hurting. I loved Johnny, but people don't understand that I loved the whole gang as much as I loved Johnny, people think i'm a greaser that can't love more than one person. I can feel warm tears running down my face just thinking about all of this, I just wish people understood. I should stop writing before Pony or someone comes and visits. I can't let them see me cry, they will find out how broken I am right now. I can't let that happen, i'm the greaser that never cries, and I got a rep to protect. So this will be the last entry for a while, maybe ever, because I have to be strong, for Johnny, for the gang, and if I keep writing I will just start thinking about how hurt Johnny is and start crying again. So this is the last entry of Dallas Winston's journal.... it was nice writing, but I have to stop now. Goodbye