PIECES OF A HARMLESS LIFE

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CHAPTER 2:

" Ms. Johnson," the office receptionist called to me, forcefully pulling me out of my reverie with a jerk," I am sorry. I didn't mean to startle you, but she is ready to see you now."

" Thank you," I reply.

I shut my book and stuff it into my side bag. I stand up, ready to endure one full hour of the session or as I like to call it, " Carnage." Odd, isn't it? The reason why I call it carnage is because everytime I have a session with Dr. McCall, I find new ways of making me feel like I am not worth life. I find myself incessantly castigating myself and hating myself. A war starts to rage within me and it seems like I am losing. Slowly and gradually, I slip away from my control. I drown into sea of hate and all sorts and kinds of emotions that make feel as if I, Andrea Johnson, can take one look at myself in the mirror and cringe at the horror I have now turned into. And if I take one small step, I will fall helplessly into a dark pit of pain and constant suffering, pain unlike anything I have ever felt. An ache in my heart that I can't seem to stop. I have no control over it. Just like I have no control over anything anymore since her death.

Since then, everything changed. My life was thrown into a tumult of hysterics. My future was covered with a cloud, thunder and lightening lay on my path. Each one was a trap; and I fell into most of them, without my own knowledge. Every second that went by without her I felt like my soul was slowly being ripped apart and my heart shattered into millions of pieces. Each piece was a memory, and as they shattered I started to forget her. This, led to a lot of efforts trying to remember her face. To remember what we had together. And also, to swim in a vast ocean of regret and remorse as I watched her die. When the earth and time stood still; so did I. I watched her fall, I watched her plummet to her death, but I didn't do anything. I stood there, helplessly. Waiting until her screams faded away into the atmosphere.

I waited until I saw her die.

" Hey, Andrea... Andrea?"

Someone tugged at my jacket. It was Gavin. His face was contorted in sheer concern," You are thinking about her again, aren't you?"

My eyes met with his. His brown eyes looked tired and pained, subtle eye bags could be seen. He wasn't getting enough sleep and no matter how much he tried to hide it, it was crystal clear. I am certain he stayed up thinking about me and her. I am sure that myriads of questions flooded his already jam-packed mind. Remorseful and rhetoric questions. Most of them started with why? And how? They were questions that had no answers.  Despite being my step-dad, he was trying so hard to be my best friend, but that was her position. He doesn't fathom that no one could replace her no matter what. I didn't want this conversation to continue.

" I'm gonna go," I say nonchalantly and start to walk away towards the office.

He doesn't come after me. And I am glad. At least he understands that I need some space. I take a deep breathe. In and out. I look at the door of Dr. McCall's office.

Here I go again. What could possibly go wrong?

I remember what I was writing before I was called. The story about hate. I wasn't finished. It was supposed to end like this:

But the truth is, hate, might be the only thing that the world clings to. Hate is our unchangeable reality.

It is too simple yet too complex for our minds to understand. An equation with no solution.

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