I'm no longer sure of the month or day of the week... But I do know when this started. It all started on the 23 of August. It was a simple Tuesday at first. Then it all went wrong. That was the first day I met him. That was the first day I got broke. That was the first day I thought of suicide.
It started like any other day. I got up, dressed for school, did my makeup, everything normal. I went to the bus stop and rode to school. Talked to my friends at the breakfast table. Then I saw him. Andrew, the boy who started this whole thing. He was all blacked out and head banging to headphones. I looked at him and didn't think a second thought. I didn't even think of him until 3rd hour.
He was the new kid in my grade and of course, he had to sit by me. I tried... I tried so hard to ignore him. But he was just there. I couldn't stop staring. He had a clean cut, pale face, making it obvious he wasn't from around here. He had long dark hair that fell right over his green eyes, making them look so amazing. He didn't talk or even move. At first I thought he wasn't even breathing. Then I turned around and he was staring at me. Just staring and out of nowhere he says, "You have pretty eyes." I closed my eyes and turned away, knowing this was a bad idea. I just wish I had listened to my head instead of my heart.
That afternoon, I walked to the library from school and he was there, too. He was so... Simple about life. Everything either was or wasn't. We never talked about the complications or the worries. He became my best friend. We walked all over town, running and laughing. We sat at his house and blared music to a point where the neighbors hated us. We went to my house and had long conversations about nothing, but they meant everything to me. We were alike in almost everyway. I never thought a simple country hick like me would ever be friends with someone so incredible. He was, I was... We just were. Then it happened.
He met her. One month after I met him. The 23 of September. He met his "dream girl," Katrina. She was a year older and gothic. She went to church and never acted Christian. She used and abused him and pushed me out of his life. He fell for her and she fell for him. Everytime I saw him it was about her. She was amazng to him and he was amazing to me. They went everywhere together and did everything together. I eventually faded and cut him out, thinking it would never be. June 8th changed that, though.
He called me at 3am crying and yelling, begging me to come over. I went to his house and he was sitting on his porch, his arm bandaged from wrist to elbow. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong so I unwrapped it, almost instantly wishing I hadn't. The cuts were so deep, I thought I'd never get the bleeding to stop. I stitched the cuts, crying the whole time. She had taken his everything and left him. He was broken and destroyed. I sat and held him all night and stayed with him all the next day. I couldn't stand it to see him this way. I helped him to move on. He met another girl, Michelle.
Michelle was... She was special. Everyone loved her. Except Andrew. He liked her but didn't want her. She was too clean and goody two shoes. He wanted rough, wild, on the edge. But when he lost her... He went over the deep end. It was the end. He called me and said he was done with it all and goodbye. I ran to his house in my pajamas and barefoot. Pounded on the door to no answer. By the time I had climbed in his window... It was too late. One bullet in the head with a note in one hand. The note said, "Goodbye, Maddie. I've always loved you." The next day his father found me asleep, clutching the note to my chest, tears still on my cheeks.
The funeral was beautiful. I saw pictures but I couldn't go. I sat in his room, wearing his jacket and crying nonstop. After that, all I remember is waking up screaming in my own bed.
I went to school. I failed everything. Talked to no one. Became a nobody. If you had ever asked anyone who I was, they'd say they have no clue. I tried to let it be in the past and I tried to forget but I couldn't. Why would God do this to me? Take the person I loved most, let me meet him, get to know him, then snatch him right out of my fingers?! It wasn't fair. I still talked to his friends, asking how they were. After about a month, they finally stopped replying. I decided I would change. I couldn't let this keep me back from my future. After semester, I came back to school totally different. My long blonde curls were chopped to shorter soft waves. My usual black and plain outfits became skirts and shorts with skull designs and slashes. I started coming out of my shell and opening up. I met more people and had best friends. I even started to date. I went out with a few people, but Micheal was the most amazing. He was so much like Andrew. Sweet and caring and funny. He never asked me about the scars on my wrists and never asked about my past. He was so close to perfect... But he wasn't Andrew.
School became a bore. Everywhere I'd look, I'd see Andrew. I went to Andrew's house and sat for hours and hours just crying with his parents. They gave me over 10 letters he had kept in a box and wrote to me, but never gave. They were full of poetry and little sayings. One was just hearts. Differently designed hearts, each one saying Maddie and Andrew. My favorite one was the last one. It said:
Dear Maddie,
I know I can probably never have you but I have loved you since the first day I saw your beautiful eyes and sweet smile. I tried to ignore it because someone like me wouldn't ever get a perfect girl like you. After Katrina, I thought we had a chance, but you were focused on helping me move on to someone else. Michelle was nice and all, but she wasn't as amazing as you. You are my perfect half and my one true love. I love you, Maddie and always will. You will probably never get this letter because I know you would laugh. Just know I love you forever and always.
Love,
-Andrew
I read it over and over so much it started to rip at folds and I cried every time. Summer came around and I stayed home. I never left my room. Micheal came over and we had conversations and talked about everything. He understood if I wasn't ready for him and I to date but I refused to break up with him. I loved Andrew still, just in a different way than Micheal. But then when school started, he showed up. If you asked me today, I'd still swear it was Andrew. Looked exactly the same, acted the same. I walked up to him and said he looked familiar. He said I did too. I was so excited and so scared. I asked him what his name was and he said his name was Andrew. I ran out of the room crying my eyes out, knowing this had to be a dream. But he followed me and told me not to worry because it was really him.
