Beg. {A Larry Stylinson Fan Fic}

Chapter Nineteen: Prayers

{I wrote a whole chapter and it got deleted :/}

The next day for Harry was okay. After Niall had banged him, he was able to convince everyone to let him go home, even though his mum wouldn't be home.

Sex with Niall was weird. He did moan. But Niall didn't tell Liam he did, so Liam didn't punish Harry.

Harry didn't know what was up with Niall, but it was strange and he didn't know if that was good or bad.

He was lying on the couch right now, watching random cartoons that came on Cartoon Network.

He had been alone, at last. He was so thankful of that. His mum wouldn't see the pain The Jocks had put on him.

When Harry got home from Niall's place, he had taken a shower. When he looked in the mirror, naked, he was disgusted. He had belt marks all across his bum, scars, cigarette burn marks, and he had never been so disgusted in himself.

"It's to show you how truly ugly you are. Since you can't seem to notice how fucking ugly you are, we're going to show you, and maybe you'll finally see it. You're so blind, Jesus, I don't see how or why your mother hasn't kicked your sinful ass out of her life yet. "

Those words came from Louis, and although Harry was still in love with Louis, it hurt so much to hear that. They were sinning too, not just Harry. They beat him and raped him, wasn't that sinning too?

As much as he questioned the bible, he didn't understand why it was such a bad thing to be gay. The bible says man and women, women and man. Why couldn't men be with men and women be with women? He never chose to be gay, he was born gay, and although people insist it was a choice, it wasn't. He grew up looking at men with much more attraction than women. You can try to be gay, but if you don't feel attraction to it, you're not gay, you're just forcing a sexuality. Why couldn't people understand that? How come out of all of the bad things the bible says, being gay is the one thing people focus on as a sin? He thought hard about that, questioning his own religion now. He was catholic, he believed in God, but considering this was happening to him and no matter how much he prayed and never got help, he didn't know if God was real or not. If he was real, why didn't he answer his prayers? Why didn't he help him? Why did he want him to fix his problems himself when it was just going to make him suffer? If he was real, did that mean he really thought gay was a sin? Then why did he put him on this earth?

Harry shook his head, feeling ashamed of himself. Why was he questioning God? He needed to keep praying, he needed to stay strong. He wasn't a religious person at all, but sometimes he had those days where he really thought about it.

He felt horrible saying this, but the bible was shit. Of course he couldn't say this publicly, or he'd get attacked by religious people who didn't understand what an opinion was, but it was to him, complete shit. It just told you what types of clothing you should wear, or shouldn't wear, and most Christians wore them anyway. It gave rules on when to have sex, to which everyone just had sex when they wanted.

Christians would just say, oh, yeah, we sin a lot, but we just have to ask for forgiveness and follow the bible when we can.

Well, then why couldn't he ask for forgiveness when he died for being gay?

He didn't want to offend anyway. He still had a lot to learn about Christianity, Catholics, the bible, and God. He knew some of the things he just thought were probably wrong, maybe they weren't wrong, but he just sincerely hoped that he himself wasn't such a bad person for being gay, for being himself.

He didn't realise he was crying until he wiped his glassy eyes, sniffing. He shook his head again, his eyes becoming more glassier as he started to just sob. He fell onto his knees, covering his face as he bawled.

"O my God, relying on Your almighty power and infinite mercy and promises, I hope to obtain pardon of my sins, the help of Your grace and life everlasting, through the merits of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Redeemer. Amen." He cried, feeling extremely religious at the moment but if God was real, he didn't want to be more sinful than what people told him he was.

He sobbed more, "Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be straight, and masculine? I hate myself, I hate my life. I want to die." He sobbed, "I-I want to die!" He screamed, grabbing the nearest object and throwing it as hard as he could.

He looked at the shattered picture of him and Andy, sniffling. He hiccupped, trying to stop his cries as he crawled over to the picture, picking up the pieces shakingly.

After cleaning up the mess he had made, he got his phone, dialing Andy's number. He waited for an answer, sniffling a few times. And when the voice he somehow missed so much answered, he smiled sadly.

"It's Harry." He mumbled.

"Harry? I can't talk right now, I'm sure you're busy fucking Louis anyway. I got to go." He hung up.

Harry whimpered, throwing his phone hard against the wall. "Fuck!" He screamed loudly, breathing heavily.