Never Surrender

My name is Lukas. I am a spy for the Allies. I've been taken prisoner by the Gestapos. I have valuable information. They know it. I just have to hold out long enough and I may be rescued. No, I won't. I'm going to die here, I know that. I don't know where Mathias is. They told me he's dead. They say they shot him. I heard him scream. He was in pain. I'm in pain now. Everything hurts but I can't talk. I won't.

It's dark when they come down again. It's always dark here. The ominous thudding of their boots outside my cell sends chills down my spine. I may be brave but that doesn't mean I'm immune to pain.
My stomach aches from hunger and the relentless headache pounding against my skull just makes it worse. The cell they've got me chained up in is dark. I don't know how long I've been here, I haven't seen the sun since I was captured. I haven't spoken either.
As the door creaks open, I see two figures enter the cell. They each carry a gun and a stern expression. They're not the same men who came in last time, or the time before that. After they position themselves at either side of me, a third, familiar, man walks in. His cruel, dark eyes drill into mine. They remind me of hot ashes. He snaps a command in sharp German that sends my stomach churning.
One of the men beside me grabs my arm. He takes out a key and unlocks one of the heavy, rusted chains weighing down my wrists. As soon as he does I yank my arm out of his grip, ignoring the shocking pain and stand up. I have to lean against the wall, my legs are trembling. One is broken, probably infected by now. The third man barks more orders.
Someone grabs my wrist again, twists it, and shoves me up against the wall. Digging their nails into my shoulder, they push my arm up until I'm afraid it's going to break. Despite it, I struggle, kicking and yanking my arm away. The man pulls my arm up until I hear a loud crack ring out through the room. Someone screams. I realize it's me.
I fall to my knees. My arm is burning and blood is running in thin trails down my back. I see the second man come and unlock my other hand. I want to stand up and fight but when I try to stand up again someone tightens their grip on my broken arm and I collapsed again. A cry of pain escapes me.
Suddenly that's it. A broken arm is by far not the worst thing that's happened to me here but it's the last straw. I can't fight them any more. I haven't talked and I won't, but I can't resist. As I look up, the third man, who I know to be in charge, is looking down at me with a condescending smile. He looks amused.
My lungs rattle and my throat burns with every breathe I take. They haul me to my feet and drag me over to the water filled tub on the other side of the room. My distorted reflection, grim and dirty, stares back at me before they shove my head under.
My mind is seized by panic. My eyes are still open, stinging in the murky water. Desperately, I try to get up, flailing my arms around. I can feel a strong pair of hands grab my hands and force me further under. My chest burns and I can barely stop myself from filling my lungs with water.
Finally, I let myself fall slack. If they're going to kill me, why not now?
It seems like an hour passes before they pull me out and drop me carelessly on the cold floor. Fiery pain shoots through me as my broken bones collide with the concrete. My lungs rattle as I cough, my breathe scraping my throat. It feels like I can't get enough air in, no matter how much air I suck in.
"This is getting us nowhere." Hissed the man in charge.
Relief floods me. They've run out of ideas. They can't break me. At last, I'm going to be put out of my misery.
One of other men, the one who stood straight and looked everyone but me in the eyes, spoke up.
"Sir, we still have one more option."
My stomach drops.
"And what is that?"
"Well Sir, we have the pilot."
No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Please no.
"And you think that'll work?"
Flashes of Mathias, beaming from ear to ear and standing next to his favourite plane run through my mind. Norge, he called it.
"Yes sir. If the rumours are anything to go by."
The man in charge looks down at me with disdain.
"Then do it."
A cold blanket of fear settled over me.
They leave the room, their boots echoing through the room after they're gone. Their words race around my mind, leaving a sharp pain whenever I think of them. They told me the first night was here that they shot him. I had heard him screaming hysterically from outside by cell so I didn't question it. Why wouldn't they kill? Now doubt is crashing over me. They return soon and when the door creaks open I shut my eyes.
I hear grunts of pain and a dull thud when something is dropped on the floor in front of me. I can only imagine the blank look on my face. It's taking all my willpower not to open my eyes and search for him through the tears. Another cry of pain invades my ears, forcing me to look.
"Mathias."
No louder than a whisper, my voice is scratchy from lack of use. When he looks up, I can feel tears sting at my eyes but not yet falling. His face is black and blue. One of his arms hangs limply by his side, the wrist facing the wrong way. When he sees me, he sniffles and looks away.
I don't take my eyes off of him. I can't. He is beaten and bloody and without that sparkling smile that I'm so used to seeing. It feels like an eternity before the man in charge speaks up. When I'm with Mathias though, forever isn't nearly enough for me.
"This is your last chance." The man says.
Tears stream down Mathias's face. His eyes are still downcast. I ignore the man and reach my hand out towards Mathias. No one make a move to stop me. The chains clink together as I hit the end of its length. We're only a few feet apart but we might as well be on opposite corners of the universe.
A moment of deathly silence passes before the man in charge snaps his fingers. The other two approach Mathias. They grab his arms, hauling him up and slam him up again the wall. He cries out in pain. I can feel my chest tighten.
No.
Finally Mathias looks up and his eyes latch onto mine. They're dull, like all the happiness and colour in his world has been washed away. His expression hardens in a way I've never seen.
"Don't tell them anything."
His voice is solid and rings with conviction. He knows what their plan is. He knows what I have to do, for the sake of our countries. And I know, with those four words, that I am forgiven for what comes next.
I close my eyes. Dull thuds intertwine with yells of pain. My heart twists. I want to block it all out. I only have to hold out for a little longer and all my pain will go away. But now he's the one hurting, and I can stop it. A deafening crack forces my eyes open. Mathias is bleeding again. His face contorted in pain, tears running down his cheeks. They're a rusty shade of red by the time they hit the floor.
"Tell us what you know."
I know I should be dead. I know he doesn't deserve this.
Mathias is gasping, sucking in air like it's his last breath. They grab his arms and force him up, releasing a scream that digs into my skin. On the far side of my small cell is that accursed tub. It's filled to the brim and when they shove him face down, water spills over the sides.
I'm terrified that they're going to hold him under too long. That his flailing form will go still and his warm hands will grow cold. He struggles and thrashes as much as he can but they refuse to let up. His movements get slower and my heart beats erratically.
The man in charge barks an order in harsh German and they pull him out. I only get a glimpse at him. He's choking and coughing. The water hides it but I know he's crying. He shoots me a look of desperation and then they force him back under. I can't take it.
"STOP!" I scream. My voice is husky and scratchy. It doesn't sound like me at all. The officers don't even spare me a glance. Mathias is thrashing more and the words come out without my consent.
"Stop it, stop it!"
You signed up for this, this is your fault. The least you could do it help him.
"Leave him alone, please,"
No, you can't give up. Giving up means losing. It means that there's nothing left to fight for and you know that's not true.
"Just stop!"
I can't do this.
"Please just stop it!"
"Tell us what you know." He thunders.
I pause. I drop my gaze. And I do. The words spill out of me like a waterfall. Everything I know, places, plans, people. As I speak, Mathias is pulled out of the tub. He falls to his hands and knees, coughing and wheezing and spitting out water. He looks at me as I talk, sadness in his eyes.
He should have known this would happen.
By the time I finish I'm crying for the first time in a long time. I'm shaking and sobbing. I've betrayed my country, my people. How many will be killed because of me? I detest what I've done but when I look at him, I know I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'd do it thousands times more if it took away his pain.
They take him away, dragging him up and practically carrying him out of the room. The man in charge starts talking but I can't hear him. It's like I'm underwater, everything sounds quiet and murky. It is only after he leaves and I'm left alone in the darkness of the room and my own thoughts, do I realize what he said.
They will verify my claims today and tomorrow Mathias and I will be executed. I'm too tired to feel the horror that should be coursing through me. I feel empty, like all my energy has been drained out. All I wanted was to keep Mathias safe and look where that got us.
We were alive once. Glowing together, like a single star in the ocean of inky nothingness, and we were happy. Then everything went to hell. Now we're going to be killed. Together until the end, I guess.
I try to lay down and sleep despite the hard, cold floor. I don't want to feel anything right now. The harsh reality weighs down on me as I think about Mathias. I swore to myself that I'd fight for him. That we would come home. We'd grow old together, bickering over little things and falling in love over and over again every morning.
But this war killed that dream.
Everything we could have been, everything we could have seen and done and felt was destroyed the day we signed up for this damn war.
Everything hurts but I don't notice. My eyes flutter open and shut but everything looks the same. My head is swimming and before I realize it, I'm diving into an ocean of oblivion.
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They come for me in the early morning. Thundering down the hall, they waste no time. It's quick and efficient and before I know it, I'm being escorted out of the cell. The inside of that room was all I had seen for months. As I'm half walking, half dragged along the hallway, my eyes soak in every inch of the place.
It's the first time in so long that I've seen sunlight. It shines brightly through the window, touching down on everything below. I look out and see that the ground is coated in a layer of frost. It sparkles, basking in the light and instantly reminds me of Mathias. I take my gaze away from the window and focus on the floor.
They take me down another hallway before shoving me through a door. I stumble and almost fall but someone grabs me and pulls me back up. They take me hands and intertwine our fingers. I don't need to look to know it's Mathias. The guards try to yank us apart but I don't let go. The words they spat are less than kind.
Finally they twist my broken wrist and as tears well up in my eyes, I'm forced to let him go.
We're marched through another set of doors and I'm blinded for a moment by the sun. Frost tipped grass crunches beneath my bare feet, the cold biting at my skin. All around us are brick walls, enclosing the space. It makes me feel like I'm still in a cage.
We approach a wooden platform. Two men, each with a gun in their arms, flank either side. Mathias is shoved down on his knees and a moment later I follow. We are side by side, each looking away because it hurts too much. The man begins reading off a list of things we're being charged with and as I slip into my thoughts, time slows down. I think deeply, of life and death and fate and the universe and Mathias.
How unfair the universe is. To give me someone so precious and so wonderful just to have him ripped from my arms in the worst possible way. How could it stand to show me such amazing things in a boy, beauty and comfort and unconditional love and then take it all away.
The world is cruel. It always has been but when I was him I could forget that it was. Every corner of my mind was filled with his laughter and his love. What about that? Did our time together not matter? Does the universe not realize how much pain it's causing me? Can it not see that my heart is beyond broken and my mind is a mess? Did the universe or fate or whatever's out there not hear me when I shouted at the top of my lungs,
"Kill me! Break me! Tear me and my heart to pieces but for the love of God leave him alone."
Or did the universe just not care?
I can't pretend to know why we met or why we fell in love or why we're both staring down the barrel of a gun right now. All I know is that the universe is unfair.
For us, there's not going to be a happy ending. We'll never get that dance in front of a midnight fire, ten years from now, knowing that there's nowhere else we'd rather be. We'll never see those sweet morning kisses or hear the late night I love you's. We'll never get what we deserve. No miraculous escape before they pull the trigger. No last wish or one time miracles because people like us don't get miracles.
To the universe, vast and uncaring, my death will mean nothing. It'll be just another snowflake falling to the ground. No more significant than single tear drop in an ocean of almost.
Sometimes I wonder if all this is my fault. If he would have been happier without me. If I pressured him into doing this. Maybe if I hadn't fallen so hard for him, this wouldn't hurt so much. We both could have ended our lives happy.
But this is it. This is the last time I'm ever going to be with him. The last time I'm ever going to see anything. If I'm going to die, I want his face to be the last thing I know.
I hold my head high when they cock their guns. It's a small act of defiance, as much resistance as I can muster. As they pull the trigger, I turn my head to Mathias and smile for the first time in months.
He smiles ba-