Call Me

Call Me, Part 1

It was a slow day for Buddy - like most days - and he was thumbing through the phone book looking for funny names or names that were strange and interesting. Suddenly he had an idea. He didn't usually have a lot of ideas, so he was excited about having one. The idea was to see if he could find himself in the phone book.

Sure enough, there he was. In the A's. Anders, Buddy. And there was his number. So Buddy picked up the phone and called it. The line was busy so he hung up and figured he'd try again later. He tried at least a dozen times that day, and every time it was busy. Dang, he thought. Guess I'll try tomorrow.

The next day he tried again a few times and the phone was busy each time. He decided to call his mama and ask her what to do. He picked up the receiver on his old black desk phone and dialed. "Mama," he told her on the phone, "I had a great idea."

"Fascinating," his mama said flatly.

After he explained the problem, his mama sighed. "Buddy, if it wasn't for hats, your damn head would have no use at all. If your phone is busy that long it means there's something wrong with it! You gotta report it to the phone company."

"But Mama, I called you ok."

"Don't you talk back to me, Buddy. I got my own worries. Just get it fixed and don't bother me with your ideas. Did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes, Mama." Buddy hung up and sat down to figure out how he was going to call the phone company if his phone was broken. The phone rang.

"Hullo," he said.

"Hello, Buddy," said the voice on the other end. It sounded sort of familiar. "You were trying to call me."

"Is this the phone company?" Buddy asked, impressed with the speed of their service.

"No. It's me. It's Buddy. You were trying to call yourself and here I am."

Buddy thought for a second. Well, he figured, his phone must be alright after all. "Pleased to meet you," he said. "You live here in Elgin?"

"I live in Elgin but it's not quite the same as your Elgin," said the other Buddy.

"You mean you're in a different state?"

"No. I'm in the same state but it's not exactly the same as your state. You can think of it as a parallel state."

"Parallel?" Buddy wasn't sure what that meant. "Do you got the old watch tower downtown?"

"Yes, we have the old watch tower. Now it's a neural rehabilitation facility."

"Oh," said Buddy. "Ours is a restaurant. Do you have the Fox River?"

"We call it the Wolf River, right through the middle of town," Other Buddy replied.

Buddy was thinking hard. "And did you have Miss Falk for second grade? Were you in her special class?"

"Yes, I did and I was in her special class."

Buddy thought again. "But you sound so smart." Other Buddy did sound smart. His speech was confident, refined, and clear. "How come you were in the special class?"

Other Buddy paused. "In my world I'm considered stupid. Anyway, I must be off. May I call you tomorrow?"

"Sure thing!"

* * *

The next day the phone rang about 10 am. "Hullo?"

"Good morning, Buddy. It's me. Your other Buddy. How are you this morning?"

"Good," said Buddy. "Is it morning there too?"

"Not exactly," said Other Buddy. "Buddy, can you help me out with something?"

"Sure thing, seeing as how you're me!"

"Very good. I believe you have a little more than $300 in a bank account. Take out $300 and bring it over to Anderson and Kemp Agency over on Kimball. Tell them you'll call them with instructions. Understood?"

Buddy was making some notes on the back of a paper towel. "Yeah. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure thing," said other Buddy, picking up on his counterpart's favorite expression.

"How come you said they think you're stupid? You don't sound stupid to me."

Other Buddy took a breath. "Buddy, you and I are a lot alike." The truth was that they were absolutely identical in many, but not all, ways. "If you were to measure my intelligence on your scales, I would have an IQ over 190. The problem is that in my world the average IQ is 250. I can't understand most of what I see around me. My speech is so slow and limited that most people don't want to talk to me. I've had a few jobs sweeping floors and picking up trash but the jobs usually don't last very long.

"Can you imagine, Buddy, what it would be like if I could live in your world? I'd be the best. I could have anything I wanted. I could be king!"

"I don't think we have kings any more," Buddy said, though the picture of himself sitting on a throne wearing a long purple robe with beautiful people all around made him smile. "Sounds like a good idea, though."

"I think so too," said Other Buddy. "And when I get a good idea, I follow up on it."

* * *

The next day the phone rang at Anderson and Kemp. Anderson answered it. "Anderson and Kemp. Joe Anderson."

"This is Buddy." The voice was Buddy's but with more confidence and bigger words.

"Oh, hey, Buddy. Now what's all this mystery about?"

The Buddy on the other end gave Anderson explicit directions for buying $300 worth of a specific stock and for selling it at an exact time on an exact date three weeks later.

"Ok, Buddy," said Joe Anderson. "But you know sometimes if you hold onto a stock longer, you earn more money from it ..."

"Trust me, Joe." Click.

Three weeks later on the appointed day Joe Anderson sold the stock for $2000. The next day a big scandal hit the papers and the stock was worthless. "I'll be damned," Joe Anderson muttered to himself as he transferred the money into Buddy's bank account.

After two more months and several more stock transactions Buddy had over $50,000. Joe Anderson made a lot more than that but he kept it quiet.

It was noon. The phone rang. Buddy picked up the heavy black receiver. "Hullo."

"Hi, Buddy. It's you." Other Buddy had taken to saying this because it made Buddy chuckle. "Good news. You have a date tonight. Go the Malte Shoppe at 6 pm and remember to take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and brush your hair and your teeth."

"You sound like my mama," Buddy laughed.

"Yes. I know," said other Buddy, but he wasn't laughing.

When Buddy showed up at the Malte Shoppe, he was surprised to see Cindy Schumacher. He hadn't seen her since high school. She still looked just as pretty. She walked right up to him.

"Thanks for inviting me here, Buddy." She took his hand. "It sure was nice to talk with you on the phone the other day. I loved those poems you wrote for me."

Buddy stared at her without saying a word. Phone? Poems? But she was so pretty that he forgot about it and led her over to a little booth.

After eating and talking for a while, Cindy said, "I better go. You wanna take me to a movie on Friday?"

"Sure thing!" said Buddy, grinning.