Jon's Story

Wow, 2003 has started with a bang, literally, but the main thing is I am happy and Richie is happy. Were back on tour, which is always a good thing. The difference this time is we both have wonderful girls waiting for us at home!

My girl is Toni. Redheaded and sexy! I met her in LA a few months ago while visiting an old friend in the hospital. We chatted on the phone a few times and then "officially" met over Thanksgiving in New Jersey. She's terrific! I haven't felt this way about anyone in years, well, since Michele. But, if it weren't for Michele, I wouldn't have Toni!

And Michele, well, she's the friend I visited in the hospital and she's also Richies girl. Fiancée to be exact. Long story, and personally, I think they are rushing things but I am keeping my mouth shut.

When I see Richie and Michele together I remember things I thought I had forgotten over the past 5 years. I remember her smile, her laugh and the soft touch of her hands. I remember her kisses, and the way she smelled. I shouldn't, but I do. And my heart twinges when I see her looking at Richie like she used to look at me. Just knowing that my best friend is having sex with her well, that's something Richie and I have never done, dated someone the other had. Not even casual sex with a fan or anyone. It's just not done. I can close my eyes and visualize her body, her touch, and it hurts a bit to know that Richie has her now...that she is calling his name in the throngs of passion. She was wonderful then and well...never mind, I can't let myself think about it. Toni is wonderful... heaven on earth for me. She came along at just the right time for me. I wanted her the moment I saw her, but she had doubts and fears and she asked me to wait, so I did. And I learned that patience pays off!

Michele and I met at the beach. She was playing volleyball with friends behind the bands beach house. I had been watching her from the balcony. She was gracefully athletic and wore a sarong and hot pink tank top over her swimsuit. The volleyball ended up in our backyard and it was Chelle who came to get it. I invited her to come back when the game ended to talk.

She knew who I was but never acted like a typical fan. She was polite and warm and very easy to talk to. I left her with Richie for a while so I could take a shower. To be honest, Chelle and Richie formed a friendship that day that I guess is the basis for their current relationship. Whenever she and I had a problem, he was there for her. Good or bad. Maybe thats where we went wrong? No, I dont think so. She was 1000% dedicated to US! It was me that lacked. I loved her; I really did, for 3 wonderful years. My family loved her. Shes talented, career-oriented and family-oriented. She knew exactly what she wanted in life. I had a problem with that. I wanted her to focus on only one thing ME! I realize now how stupid that was!

Chelle is a gentle soul. Very loving and giving, and I didnt deserve her. Honestly, I dont know how she did it. Juggling college, athletics, me and my demands...she stood by me and never gave up on me. If I were in her shoes I would have quit that first year. I wish I had been more of her partner than I was. While she would explain that we were not married and I didn't owe her anything, I realize now I did. I owed her the decency of showing support for the things she did. I went to maybe one of her basketball games that first year, and when she had to perform at the university as part of her degree, I never went. I know she double majored, and one was in Music Education, but I couldn't tell you the other. Hell, I didn't even go to her graduation! That was the kicker I think. It wasn't on purpose, but we had been together 3 years, in fact we had just had our "anniversary", but I made plans due to a miscommunication and was in LA! Richie told me he could see the sadness in her eyes from where he was sitting. She got really drunk that night too, and Richie took her home to my house. I should have been the one taking care of her.

She left me a month later and it was 5 years before I saw her again. I spent the first year after our breakup indulging in reckless behavior. I blamed her for my unhappiness, for everything. Then, I started to read my old journals and did a lot of soul searching and realized what really went wrong.

"Sigh" The thing I regret the most is the one incident that changed our lives forever.

I was in LA (as usual) when Richie calls and tells me to get my ass home immediately as Chelle was in the hospital. All he knew was she called him in distress, because I wasn't around, and when he got to my house he found her passed out on the floor. I did fly back immediately, but there is no quick way to get from L.A to Jersey so when I got back, she was already home.

I walked into the house and am greeted by Richie. He says she is sleeping in my room, and that she was crying alot and I needed to be patient and gentle with her. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, just said that she needed to explain. WTF? I'm thinking the worst here and I am really worried, and Richie says he'll leave us alone now, and to give him a call if I wanted to talk or anything. I walk into the bedroom with a bouquet of flowers and see her tiny, frail form in the big bed. I make a sound like a gasp or something and walk over to the bed and pull a chair up. She looks so pale and angelic in her sleep. I bend down and kiss her eyelids and she wakes up. Seeing me, she reaches her arms up for a hug and I sit on the bed and embrace her. She starts sobbing and telling me over and over again that she is sorry. I remember brushing the hair out of her eyes and wiping the tears off her cheeks and telling her it was ok. She said it wasn't, so I asked her to tell me what was wrong.

So, she proceeds to tell me that she called Richie because she was having bad abdominal cramps and was bleeding and very dizzy. She remembered nothing else until she was in the hospital. She said she had miscarried. I looked stunned I am sure, and she said that she did not know she was pregnant, but was apparently 3 months along. She started crying again, as did I, and we just sat there in each others arms for an eternity it seemed. She told me she did tell Richie, but no one else. She only told him because he was so obviously worried and I wasn't around, and she was scared. I understand, but it still felt like a kick right in the heart. I should have been there with her for this. That was MY baby she lost. Maybe if I hadnt brought her so much stress and grief...wow...just contemplating being a dad..it's so bittersweet. How different life would be for us if she hadn't miscarried. We'd be married, probably another kid or two..and happy..well, I hope so. It's hard to not think about what might have been..but I think fate wanted things to be this way.

Anyway, in November (I believe) I met her for lunch in LA. From the moment she walked in the room I knew she had moved on. I really believe we will always hold a special place in each others hearts, and as long as she and Richie are together, she will be my family too. I need to work through my feelings, and move on, and I think Toni is just the right person for me. I have matured (finally) in these past 5 years, and realize my mistakes and hopefully wont ever make them again.

And when the time is right I just might ask Toni to marry me.

THE END