What I can't have

Chapter 1: The Long Goodbye

The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife.

"Wait...what? I'm sorry...what did he just say?" Ellen asked looking at Shonda.

Patrick closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Don't look at her. You'll give yourself away if you look at her.

"I've decided to exit the show early. I don't want to go into a lot of detail and Shonda is being respectful of that. But I'm gone from home too often. Between the show...and the racing....it's too much for us. For Jillian and I. Our kids are older now and we barely even recognize each other and I need to take some time off for a while."

"Patrick are you sure..." James asked quietly.

There was dead silence in the room. The cast, especially the ones who had been together since day 1, sat in shock.

"No. No, I'm not. But I have to try this. You all know...you know what a heavy schedule can do to a marriage and..."

"Don't say anymore. We understand." Chandra offered supportively.

"The writers and I will start to work on a way to transition Derek off the show. We'll throw around some ideas and then we'll run them by you and Ellen. We want to honor Derek Shepherd well. For now, let's go home everyone." Shonda offered a supportive smile and squeezed Patrick's shoulder.

Everyone started to file out of the room, but not before stopping to offer support to Patrick. They were devastated but couldn't argue with his reasoning. Others had left the show but this seemed to hit them all more than usual. They were more than just coworkers or even friends. They were a family on this set. They spent so many hours getting to know one another; meeting each other's parents, spouses, siblings, kids.

It wasn't lost on him that Ellen stayed glued to her chair, staring forward. She was pissed. It wasn't the first time; he knew it wouldn't be the last.

"Are you ever going to speak to me?" He asked quietly.

Ellen stayed forward and bite down on the inside of her lip. If she bit hard enough it would keep the tears from rising up to her eyes and down her cheeks. She gathered her script, and her notes, and walked cooly towards the door.

He grabbed her by the wrist before she could leave.

"Let go of me."

"Ellen..."

"That was total bullshit back there, by the way. You and Jillian are fine. Your relationship with your kids is fine. What the hell, Patrick."

He could hear the hurt in her voice and see it in his eyes.

"Please, I just...I have to. Okay?"

"No. Not okay. God, we tell each other everything. Do you realize how much we've been through? You were the first person outside of my family to see my kids after they were born. You were at my wedding. I've been to your kids recitals and soccer games....our families have been on vacations together. You can't share this with me? Screw you."

Her voice broke on the last word and she hated how he looked at her.

"Stop. I don't want your pity. Just let me go."

"You want to know why I have to leave?"

"Yes. I want to know. The truth."

Patrick closed the door behind them and locked it from the inside. He let go of her wrist and walked away from her. Breathe.

He gripped onto the table in front of him. "You want to know why I can't go?" he said slowly this time.

Ellen rolled her eyes and replied through gritted teeth. "No, I just said I did for nothing..."

Patrick spun around and declared, louder than he should've even with the door closed "It's because of you. There. Are you happy now?"

"Am I happy now? What is wrong with you...."

Patrick closed the distance between them with tears in his eyes. He grabbed both sides of her face and even though he expected her to jerk back she didn't.

"I am in love with you. I don't know when it happened. I don't know why I can't stop it. But I can't. I can't get you out of my head. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting you. Wanting to kiss you. Wanting to make you mine. I can't stop. And it's killing me. It's destroying me. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function anymore. And If I don't get the hell out of here I will make a decision I can never take back. And that isn't fair to you...or to Jillian...or to Chris. It's not fair to anyone and I realize that, and God damn it if I didn't wish I could stop."

There were tears in both of their eyes.

"Ask me to leave him." She whispered, barely audibly.

"I can't...."

"Patrick."

"I can't do that to you. I can't."

"I...."

He kissed her passionately. He kissed her like he's wanted to kiss her every day for years. Like they do in scenes all the time. Her hands are in his hair and his arms are around her. It's desperate and needy and heartbreaking.

When they break apart they're both crying.

"I love you." She whispers in his ear.

He lets out a sob. "I have to do this."

"We can figure this out we can..."

"Ellen."

"Patrick, please."

"Don't make this harder on me. Please, just let me go."

"I can't."

"You can."

"No..."

Tears are steaming from her eyes no with no intent to stop. He grabs her face and kisses her gently this time. He kisses the places her tears have fallen and it feels like a goodbye. Feels like the end.

"I love you." She sobs.

"I know."

"Don't go."

"I have to."

They stay there, Ellen sobbing into his shirt, long after everyone else has gone home. They stay there until her tears, and the bargaining has stopped. They stay long enough for both of their phones to go off more than once.

They'll have to explain later, where they were. Have to cover their bases. Have to tell half truths. But for now no one else in the world exists. He strokes her hair and she listens to his heart beat, closes her eyes.

God, she loves him. Has, loved him, for so long now.

"Don't go." She whispers one more time.

"I have to."

"I know."

End--Chapter 1.