"Hey Angle, I have new task," strange voice calls from living room.
I sigh and throw my sister aggressively onto the floor and walk into the room where the voice came from. Fred stands there, with his lovely, built body on display and 12 pack glistening in the amazing lighting of my dingy 3rd world country flat.
"Ya what it be?" I ask and stroll casually over to Fred. The room was silent apart from the distant shouts of young Bella as she probably gravitated towards and then hit the wall. And since she was apparently Sophie, her blood was already flooding the room and I could see tiny radioactive cockroaches floating in the river.
"Lmao you don't find out if you talk like a pussy ass bitch lmao get hashtag rekt Gatorade m8 Doritos Doritos Mountain Dew smoke weed every day pepe doge 9 plus 10 is 21 pewdiepie fuck bitches get money," Fred spouts aggressively, causing me to retreat in fear. I knew that he was a meme champion and even attempting to beat his meme spouting would result in death. I roll my eyes.
"So are you gonna give me your fucking task or can I have my mum who Sarah hasn't even named back" I ask, withdrawing a packet of cheese and onion crisps from my pocket and caressing the packet gently. In 3rd world countries, eating such a delicacy is out of the question.
"Wow rude," Fred states, an offended expression appearing on his rotten ass gross peeling demon skin. He hands over some manky scroll and I take it and open it up.
Dearest Angle,
Your hair is revolting and greasy like oven fat,
Bella's blood is fucking everywhere and ruining your Tesco's own mat,
Your chest is as flat as an ironing board,
And talking to you makes me roll my eyes so hard they fall onto the floor,
Your face is fucking ugly and makes me want to cry,
But thinking of you naked makes me almost die,
You should really bathe because the smell is making me stressed,
If you want your street rat mum back let's have kinky sex.
Love, Fred
I throw that shit into the knee deep pool of blood that has taken over the floor and look up at Fred, confused. "You fucking hetero piece of crap lmao I have a girlfriend."
Fred looks repulsed. "Wait, what?"
"Yeah lol I'm dating that chick Ellie," I say, shrugging.
Fred is clearly disgusted. "That's gross. And plus, she's-"
Suddenly, a large truck passes by. It did not matter that we were in my dingy flat, that truck passed the fuck by. On it, the words NO SPOILERS are clearly printed.
Once it disappeares, Fred glowers in frustration, rubbing his temples, skin peeling away from his mouldy fucking carcass as he does so. "Ya, so like I was saying, she's-"
He is cut off by a sudden and unexpected, but conveniently timed, herd of big ass rainbow horses galloping by in the space between us. Some I recognise as My Little Ponies, since that is my favourite show, despite being poor as fuck and not even knowing what a TV is.
Fred seems to give up and instead moves on. "Right ok do you wanna go on a date instead"
"U paying" I ask.
"Ya duh babe" Fred places his hands sassily on his hips.
Suddenlyyy, the air fucking bends next to my dingy bubba poop covered couch and opens to reveal some weird swirly purple portal thing.
"Wait," Fred excitedly begins. "Is that my demon po-"
"No stfu"
Fred goes silent and for a long moment we both stare at the dingy portal before some old man fucking rolly pollys out. He's all old and greying and wearing some dirty fucking blue suit and some fucking fancy £2 ASDA tinted out glasses.
