"Wow Angle that was a great movie night" Fred winked at his new gf and stood up from her dirty bug infested couch. That bitch didn't even fuckin know what a movie was so they'd just stared at the spiders mating on the wall for a few hours but Fred had enjoyed Angle's presence alone more than anything. his love for her grew stronger with each of their little dates but he was too anxious to ask if she felt the same and didn't want to pressure her into anything she wasn't ready for.
"Ya same" Angle agreed and suddenly sprawled her scrawny body out on the dirty couch seductively, flaps of skin in her muscle-less legs flopping around like dirty jelly. "U sure u can't stay a little longer" she purred seductively.
Fred glimpsed over at the empty bottle of wine on the sofa and frowned. "Angle i do not want to take advantage of u that would be wrong"
"Bby pls"
"No I go now" Fred firmly decided, blowing her a flirtatious kiss and heading towards the door. He tried to wrap his hand around the doorknob but quickly came to the conclusion that his claws were too long and kept scratching the door's peeling paintwork every time he tried
"Angle I can't.." Fred frustratedly sighed, attempting to open the door but a chunk of the wood falling out as his foot long claws scratched at it, bugs that had been living inside it scuttling across the floor "angle I can't open thedamn door"
"What"
"My claws r 2 long" Fred exclaimed, turning away in defeat. "i can't get my fuckin hand around the doorknob"
Fred watched as angle stood up from the couch with a frown on her face, opening the dirty kitchen cupboard. She pulled out a long pair of kitchen scissors and beckoned Fred closer
When she noticed how long his claws were she raised an eyebrow "Jesus Christ Fred do u never trim ur fuckin nails"
"Claws" Fred corrected "nah lmao laze"
"If I fuckin cared about ur dirty demon names for them I might have fuckin asked" angle rolled her eyes and opened up the scissors over one of his 'nails'
Fred yanked his hand back, a claw almost stabbing angle in the process "woah wait wyd"
Angle shrugged "free manicure"
With all of the strength in her needle like body she forced the scissors down, but Fred had forgot to mention the forces of evil liked long nails bc when painted pink they looked nice so the scissors bent in two and deflected off of Fred's hand and hit the opposite wall, mice scuttling out in the process.
"Well shit lmao lmao" Fred shrugged
Angle was stunned and was staring at the broken scissors on the floor, watching a small army of rats begin to feast upon them. "U .. u broke my only fuckin scissors"
"Well im srry-" Fred began
"No ur fuckin not do u know how expensive scissors r in this day and age ?!/!;8,&ajfivi" angle screamed, jumping up and collapsing from the effort in an unconscious heap on the floor
Ignoring his passed out gf, Fred thought long and hard. he could not go on any longer with ridiculously long nails; there had to be somewhere that could cut them effectively
"oH" Fred exclaimed "i know just the fuckin place"
Fred snapped his fingers and some dirty swirly portal appeared and without hesitation he stepped into it
Teleportation never got much fuckin easier for Fred and when he landed in the bright white corridor he fuckin flew against the wall and hit his dirty demon skull. wincing in pain, he let out a lot of Russian swears he had learned from his demon uncle joe up north
"Ow fuckin hell why is it so hard to teleport between universes these days" Fred angrily exclaimed
Some dirty cunt in a white lab coat stopped beside Fred, noting something down on a clip board, staring intently at his big ass wings
"the fuck u staring at m8" Fred yelled, making the scientist scamper off to some dirty lab "gET UR OWN FUckIN WINGS"
brushing nonexistent dust off of his triangle body, Fred set off down the empty corridor. When he found the right office he knocked, waited five seconds and then kicked the door open bc of his dirty nails
"Hi" Fred greeted the empty room, frowning as he realised nobody was sat on the chair behind the desk
Suddenly, the vent in the ceiling fell onto thenfuckin floor with so much force it broke into 2. Fred took a step back as some dirty old man in a blue suit dropped out of the ceiling vent and landed on his chair perfectly
Fred looked up at the broken ceiling and then back at the dirty old man, raising an eyebrow "did u just break into ur own office u dirty-"
"shut"
"Ok"
The old man glimpsed at Fred behind his dirty sunglasses for a long moment before taking them off to inspect Fred with his dirty grey eyes
"Have we met" he asked
Fred shrugged "no don't think so"
"Hm" the old man paused "seems like it"
Fred shrugged again "who knows. I mean, not like it rlly matters honestly. none of this is cannon. we're not even real. i guess, as antagonists, the authors seem to enjoy our communication when we converse together. it's almost ironically funny how different we are yet how we are the same in the sense we both have dark intentions towards the protagonists of our cannon books and serve as pretty important, yet intensely dislikable, plot devices. i mean if it weren't for u there probably wouldn't be a third, fourth or fifth undead book and I'm like the whole point of the story in controlled"
There was an extremely awkward silence
"But anyways" Fred said after a while "does ur spa do manicures"
"Not a spA" old man flipped the fuck out, breaking crap and eating the table and throwing papers around like an angsty 10 yr old "nOt a fUckING sPA!!!1!"
Fred waited until he calmed down to continue "c my nails.. uh I mean claws r very long but very hard to trim c they're so sharp 2 and keep getting in the way"
The spa man glimpsed at Fred's claws and raised eyebrows "m8 they're fuckin long do u never trim th-"
"No" Fred interrupted "so can u fuckin help me or not bc I'm getting rlly sick of being screwed around by people and I just want my god damn nails cut how is it so hard to find somewhere that fuckin trims nails I'm so done fuck this"
Whilst Fred was panting for breath after his frustrated speech, spa man raised an eyebrow
"u called them-"
"idc" Fred interrupted
"So we'll cut ur dirty nails for u" spa man finally decided, making Fred look up in hope
"Rlly???"
"no lmao gtfo my spa"
(the moral of the story is always remember to cut ur nails or u will be Fred vote if u cri everytim)
