Una ko siyang nakilala, sabi ko ang gwapo naman nitong Chinitiong to. Type ko to, tahimik na at ang pogi pa. Kaya ayun naging crush ko siya pero di nagtagal, tulad lang pala siya ng mga previous crushes ko sa simula lang inaadmire and pag nakakita ng ibang pogi ayun change crush ulit.. and besides elem pa yon, so baka puppy love lang siguro siyang maituturing.
Then di nagtagal, may nakilala nanaman akong di ko inaakalang maaadmire ko pero iba to ha, di siya yung tipong crush ko lang, na masasabi kong todo pakyut, although pakyut na rin in as sense kasi like ko siya at the same time hate, insecure kung baga… gusto ko na ayaw ko? At dinadaan ko nalang sa pagdeny na “no, I don’t like him” but the truth is, like ko talaga siya and nung mga oras na yon, hyskul na, kaya medyo mature na rin kung mag-isip but hindi siya ang primary topic ng kwentong ito kundi si chinitong nakilala ko nung elem pa ako.
Naging classmates nanaman kami ni chinito nung high school and sa mga sandaling nagpapakyut ako sa naiinsicure na current crush ko, iba yung feeling na nakikita ko siyang same as ever pa rin, ang silent, but di na gaanong pogi tulad ng dati. At first sabi ko, baka ordinary feeling lang tong nararamdaman ko para kay chinito guy at lilipas lang din kaya ayun hinayaan ko nalang. Pero since classmates kami, di ko maiwasang pasulyap-sulyap siyang tinititigan, instead sa paper ko or sa teacher nakatingin, sa mga expressive eyes niya ako nakadiretso. Pero again sabi ko, baka wala lang to, pero di nagtagal mas naging mas comfortable na ako sa kanya kumpera sa mga ibang guys na nakakasalimuha ko. Everytime may request ako na i partner ako sa isang presentation o di kaya gawan ako ng favor, di siya magdadalawang isip na I grant tong mga request na to, di tulad nung ibang boys na nakikitaan ako ng ibang motive sa t’wing nag papatulong ako sa kanila.
Actually wala pa naman talaga akong nafifeel for him that time, wala pa yung sinasabi nilang.. uh… “spark?” Para sa akin it was just an ordinary feeling that would soon pass away and just another kind of guy who was nice to me kasi puros sa current crush pa din naman umiikot ang aking world nun eh. But as time pass by, bigla nalang “oops.. what’s this, ano to?” bakit si chinito na ang nakikita ko pagpikit ng both eyelids ko, charot but honestly, out of the blue, bigla nalang siya na ang laman ng isip and nawala na yung si current crush na insecure na insecure ako. Has he cover up my feeling for him?
Then there I realize, wait a minute isn’t he the one who kindly agreed to my requests without seeing me any romantic motive on him?, Did he among the other guys who was making fun of me, the only exception who didn’t even dare to laugh out with them? And kaya ayun nahulog na nga ang lola mo te, sa di inaakalang pag-ibig.. wow big word but then again as I have said, baka another kind of infatuation lang to that would soon pass pero di nag tagal, umabot sa point na nagsimula na rin akong ma awkward sa kanya, sinubukan kong layuan siya baka sakali, mawala lang tong nararamdaman ko but I was wrong. Nung senior year na di na kami magkaklase, the more akong nahirapan na di siya isipin, though classrooms lang ang pagitan namin, and kahit alam kong alam niya na, it still bothered me not to settle this confused feeling I had for him. Naka compose na nga ako ng song and poem sa kanya eh and even to the point that I tried to send him a personal message but made it appear as if it was a group message.
Pero dumating naman din yung point that I got the chance to tell him the truth, umamin ako sa kanya and obviously he knew it ever since. It was on my birthday and weeks before our graduation when I finally told him everything and thought this would lighten my heavy feeling and also remove the awkwardness we had, yes it did, nagbond pa nga kami with friends after the confrontation eh but after that, ayun nanaman and the more pang umasa ng umasa..
When we finally reached college, dun ko nasabing baka ito na nga yung pagkakataong tuluyan na nga ako maging over him, lalo pa na distant kilometers ang pagitan ng mga skwelahan namin, this would totally make me forget all the memories I had on him but then again, I was wrong, lumipas ang mga taon and siya pa rin ang laging laman ng love story ng buhay ko.
I knew na dapat binawas-bawasan ko nalang ang kakaisip and kakakwento about sa kanya but the more I try to keep it in myself and the more I try not to think of him, the more sumisikip ang feeling ko and the more I remember him. Sinasabi nilang move on kung move on na nga raw, pero pano ako makakalet go kung mismong mga unexpected scenarios keeps on reminding me of him.
I know kailangan na rin talagang kalimutan yung naging feeling ko for him and just admire the respect I gained from this unique chinitong guy na nakilala ko kasi kung tutuusin, wala naman din akong napapala and knowing na masaya na nga siya ngayon and doesn’t even think of me the way I do. But now that I had fallen for him unexpectedly and now that it seems that the respect and some positive things that I admired from him in the past were gone, how could I move on when nag totally fall na ako and now focus on how I love him. Kung unexpected yung naramdaman ko, unexpected time din kayang mawawala yung feelings na to?
After all these years, pano ko ba malalalamang di nga siya ang right man, if here I am still hoping for his love, how would I know he’s not the one? Nakayanan ko kyang maglet go agad? Nakayanan ko kayang di ipatuloy tapusin tong narrative na to and nakayanan ko kayang not to continue reminiscing the feeling I had for him na hanggang ngayon still wonders how, when and where will it end and did it all begin?
