Chim - Sleeping With A Broken Heart

CHAPTER 10

Chapter 10
Somehow, we’re back at her house. I’m curled up on her cold leather sofa, and she’s next to me, cradling Diana. We don’t talk, she quietly sang lots of songs that I didn’t know until the baby was asleep, and now Cheryl’s stroking Diana’s soft, chubby cheeks. 
“What did he say to you Kimberley?”
“I don’t care what he said to me. It’s just, after last time, he promised-” I gulp, trying to bite back my tears. I don’t want her to see me cry, so I close my eyes, listening to the blood racing around in my head. “He’s back on the drugs. He promised me never again, and I was out, I should have been there, Diana and Sacha-”
Her eyes widen, and something behind her eyes goes cold “Oh god. It isn’t your fault. Don’t you dare believe that this is your fault.”
 “But he was alone with them, he could have done anything. And where was I? Working. As always.”
“You need the money-”
“No, because it was MY money he was blowing on drugs”
“What?” she grabs my hand and clutches it tight, her nails digging into my palm “Oh my god, I’m going to kill him, I’ll-”
“Cheryl-” I protest
“I know he’s your dad, but how fcuking dare he do that to you! You’re his daughter, can’t he see-”
“To be honest, I don’t think he can. I don’t know whether he cares.”
“I’ll report him, can I report him? I’ll-”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s done now. I just can’t go back there.”
“No, you can’t, you can stay here with me-” I open my mouth to protest, but she holds up a hand for silence “-just listen Kim, Sacha can still go to school, I can help you with this little one,” here she hugs Diana closely, smiling down at her “just for a bit, just until you get back on your feet. I promise.”
“No, seriously Cheryl, I couldn’t. You’ve already done far, far more than I deserve. I can get a hotel room and-”
“Kimberley, please? Please, I want you to stay, I really do. Just please, I can’t be alone. Do you know how huge, how empty this bloody house is? Just for a little while? It won’t hurt.” I look at her huge eyes, her perfect teeth and flawless skin. I wonder how anyone could hurt anything so fragile and beautiful.
“But Sacha-” I weakly protested. I was no good at arguing with her, I didn’t want to make her sad.
“You can’t say she’ll complain, is she really obsessed with me?” Cheryl laughed
“She is far too obsessed with you, but what will I say to her ‘oh yeah Sacha, I went home with your idol last night, and because our dad is on hard drugs, we’re now going to go live with her’ yeah Cheryl, that’ll go down really well. She’ll think I’m out of my mind. Maybe I am...”
Cheryl looked at me seriously before snuggling closer to me, still carefully holding Diana. “So is that a yes?”
“Cheryl...”
“Come on, you know that Sacha will never forgive you if you say no!” she grins evilly at me, elbowing me in the ribs.
“Okay!” I laugh, “okay, fine, whatever you want. Anything to make you happy.”
She smiled up at me “thank you Kimberley.”
“What for? I should be thanking you!”
“No, thank you for not leaving.” There is something sad, and for a second she sounds very young and very innocent.
“What do you mean?” I ask, frowning.
There is a pause, and I can tell that she’s thinking carefully before replying, “I don’t really know. It’s just, most people do leave, don’t they?”
“Yeah, they do” I reply. I wonder what goes on inside her head, and whether I will ever understand her. Maybe I will, one day.
*
I take Diana to pick Sacha up from school. Cheryl offered to look after her, but I don’t want her to. I’m not sure why. I carry Diana and we walk back to Cheryl’s house through the park. Sacha doesn’t notice that we’re going a different way to normal until she’s told me all about how Molly’s mum took her to school, as usual, and how Tanya and Anna have a new puppy and how she and Molly are now best friends. Along the park railings are posters for “The BEST Fair in London” and across the park I can see looming metal cranes and soft toys stacked against trees. The air smells of candyfloss. 
“Can we go?” Sacha asks, pointing at the poster
“No, Sacha-”
 “Are we going for hot chocolate?”  I remember that sometimes when it was cold I used to take her to the little coffee house across the park, and we’d eat cakes and sip hot chocolate that scalded our lips. I haven’t taken her there for ages, and suddenly I feel like a bad sister. 
“No” I say, and pause by a bench “can we sit down and talk?”
She looks at me seriously before sitting on the bench, her feet not quite touching the ground. I notice that there are holes in the ends of her trainers, and I make a mental note to buy her some new ones. I sit down beside her. I look up at the naked trees and the slate grey sky, and I look around at the coppery fallen leaves, slowly rotting on the ground. The air felt fresh after the morning’s rain, and was crisp and cold. 
“What’s wrong?” Sacha asks me. She may be only eight, but she notices everything, and is very in tune with people’s emotions ‘she can read me like a book’ I think, and the idea sends little shivers down my spine. 
“Can you remember, a few years ago, dad was ill?” I ask her. Whilst I was standing in the playground I ran over what I would say in my head, but now I’ve forgotten what I should say next.
“Yes” she says, narrowing her eyes. “Is he okay?”
“No” I say. Damn, I hadn’t meant it to sound like that, “I mean, yes, he’ll be fine. But we can’t live with him anymore.”
“Why? I want to live with dad! Where else are we going to go!”
“Well-”
“Kimberley! All my friends are here, I like my bedroom, I don’t want to move schools, please-”
“You don’t have to move school, a-‘’ I pause “-friend of mine says me and you and Diana can go and live with her, just for a little while.”
“So I don’t have to move school?”
“No”
“And dad is okay? We can go and see him sometimes?”
I pause “yes”
“And we can stay together, me and you?”
“Yes, defiantly. I promise we’ll be together”
She thinks about this for a moment, her breath steaming in the cold November air, her little nose going pink. Diana starts to cry, and I rock her back and forwards. I look at her little face, all screwed up, and I wonder if I’m making a mistake.
Then Sacha says “okay, fine” and smiles her gappy, imperfect smile at me. I smile back, relieved. “Who’s house are we staying at?” she asks. 
I breathe in “you know the other day, we went to see Cheryl Cole?”
“Yeah?” she replies, screwing up her forehead. 
“I saw her, umm, the other night...”
“When you were dancing?”
“Yeah...” I pause “she heard about dad being ill, and she wants to help us out like. She ermm...”
Sacha looks like she’s just had a heart attack. Her mouth is slightly open. Her eyes are huge. “Nooooo” she murmurs “don’t even joke Kim.”
“I’m not-”
“I’ll never forgive you-”
“I’m not-”
“Just tell me the truth-”
“That is the truth-”

Her squeal sent the pigeons in the trees above our heads flapping away, and people must have heard her all over London.