Trying to Find A Way Out

Hey i'm 15. Since i could remember I've being a very shy, angry, sad, depressed little girl. Everyone just thinks that i have no manners. That I'm very disrespectful with EVERYONE. I know i have a ugly attitude most of the time..but it's the only way to hide my pain. If you ask a friend, family member, teacher, etc. to describe me i know exactly what they'll say. "Edith is a fat short little girl who is always mad with the entire world. She never goes out, she's just heartless to everyone. She has everything, she's just a stupid teenage girl who thinks is bad & shit." Truth is that being mad saves me from showing my true feelings. I trust no one. Not my mom, not my sister, not my "friend", not no one. I'm so insecure about myself honestly. For this i blame my parents. They've never ever support me in literally anything. I wanted to play soccer in school, "No your fat". I wanted to be in cheer, "your going to be the biggest girl there, & it's not going to help you in life." I cannot wear something without someone from my family telling something that will just make me hate myself even more than i already do. Don't get me wrong, i love my parents for giving me food everyday & having somewhere to call home, but their words hurt most of the time. You'll never hear me say i love someone, i know deep inside i do but from my mouth it just won't come out. I have this really bad depression which kills me more each day. It sucks because people judge me of it. They say I'm just crazy a dumb for it. They don't think it's something serious, no one does. Most people who don't really know me, know that i'm very funny & will try to make you laugh when your feeling down. I'm there for anyone who needs somebody. I've tried ending myself once in 8th grade, some friend saved me. After that i started doing marihuana, Nozz( computer cleaner, Airwick, ect.), drinking that same year. My parents never noticed. I didn't do it for attention. I did because it made me feel so much better. The ones who have never done drugs would say: "Omg that's so stupid, you think your cool now." That's not the reason why most do drugs, they make you feel alive for a few hours. In 9th grade i was really into drugs, had to be on them everyday. One day my little sister found my piece(pipe), one other time she watched me smoking & said she wanted to try it. She was just 2 years old. That day i went to the restroom, i flushed the weed in the toilet. I stop all the crap. I tried good in school after that. In 10th i started feeling really depressed again, it just came back. Seemed like it was coming to stay for a long while. I started stopped talking in class which the teachers & class mates thought it was weird since i always had something to say. In 9th i had won " ClassClown of the year" to tell you all. Everyone noticed i had changed, i wasn't the same happy loud Edith. Truth is I've never been. All my life i have just pretended to be someone different. For that I'm fake..that's what i think of myself. Because of my attitude I've lost so many friends. I forgot.to.mention I'm somewhat "popular", fuck being popular all i want is to be happy. So as i was saying in the end i ended up with about 5 people i called friends. They were always there for me but i would pushed them away. I did because i hate people feeling bad for me, that is why i don't open up to anyone. The only friend i have right now is this girl called Amorette. She's like a rich white girl to me. she's pretty. Light skin, green eyes, perfect body, light brown hair (shaved from a side), has style. So i ask myself why she's stood by my side all along? I've said things to her that hurt. She's still here.. I'm learning to trust her. Anyways just a couple of months ago they told me i could have a brain tumor so my depression got even worst. Then about 2 months ago my family decided to move to a new city. Here i have no friends, things are really different, as in the style of living is way different. I have 3 cousins here but they're about 10 years older than me so it sucks. They're still cool though. I feel more alone i must admit. Well sometimes i feel happier here than over there. Maybe because no one knows what i suffer from & i get to out more & forget what my life is for a bit. Right now there's this one white tall boy in my class who i think is like prefect... but i think i have no chance with him. I'm a loner in school but seen him makes my day better. I'm trying to get therapy so that i can learn to.love myself & i could be happier. there's many days were i feel like shit. I feel alone even when so many people are around. Depression can kill me i know. I'm trying to fight it. I will try to change for me so that i can have a bett life because honestly I'm tired of it all..