All These Shining Lights

Part 1: Will

He won't answer me. He won't answer my texts, my calls, anything. He won't answer. He read my messages, all my calls got sent to direct voicemail which is already full of my worrisome messages. He's been gone for twenty four hours now. He has classes tomorrow that he has to go to, people he needs to talk to, tests he needs to pass. He has to come home. Our dorm is so empty without his colorful aura here. His bright smile filling up all the empty spaces. The tan paint seems tiresome, the gray carpet is gross and covered in crumbs of our chips we were eating yesterday when he was here. His bed is un-made from when we argued late last night as we were starting to slowly drift off to sleep and he got up and left at twelve. I lay on the top of my covers, missing the feeling of his presence across the room. I'm trying to sleep, but I can't, not when I don't know that he is safe by my side.

It is all my fault. Him leaving. I brought Lara up. We were having such a good conversation, I thought that I might actually admit something, that I might admit my biggest secret. I had to ruin it all though. I brought up Lara. I brought up how she was no good for him and how he needed someone better for him. Someone who will love him for the rest of his life and actually be there for him, not leaving him alone every night to go bar hopping with the girls. Who knows what she does when Jacob isn't there with her. I know he loves her, but I love him and I want the best for him. We've known each other for 3 years now, he's my best friend and I want him happy, not being hurt by some stupid girl who is going to ditch him the minute she graduates in a month. Maybe I'm just jealous of her. The way she won him over. Something I can't do.

How can he not see it? He's blinded by his so-call love for her. He can't see how bad things are, but I can. She's using him as a fill in until she graduates. Jacob and I have a whole year together once she leaves; it's our senior year, it's time to come out to him but I don't want to ruin anything, I have to wait. I've already screwed up enough now. I can't risk loosing him again, I don't know what I would do if I lost him. It would hurt me a lot more than him but I can't help it. I worry about him because I love him.

I grab my phone off the desk next to my bed, the only thing form stopping me from pushing my bed up next to his. I always hated that desk. I have my phone plugged in because it is almost dead from all my texts I'm sending, all my apologies and pleas for him to come back. I click to lock button and the screen burst to life making my eyes squint as they try to become used to the bright light. No messages, no missed calls, nothing. I click the lock button again sending my room back into darkness. I close my eyes and try to sleep again even though I know it's pointless. I can feel the emptiness in the room.

I look out my window, I'm on the third floor of five and I can just see over some of the smaller buildings, all the shining lights coming from the buildings and of the night life in the busy city. An hour passes, then two then three. Soon than I can imagine it's five am. The sun will be rising in 2 hours. I haven't been able to sleep at all. It's five am and the world is bursting to life, while mine never stopped. I can hear people walking past outside my door, heading down to the showers to get some hot water before the 6 am rush of people hurrying to wash up before their classes for the day begin. I'm normally out there with them, but not today. Today I am doing nothing. I'll sit and wait. He needs to come home.

As I hear every pair of feet walk past my door, I hope that I'll hear the key to the door start to turn the lock open. Every pair I hear that isn't Jacob's is like a stab to the heart. I hope it's Jacob's feet, coming home to me. He doesn't suspect a thing about how I feel. He doesn't even know I'm gay but that's the way I like it. I'm worried he would treat me different if he knew. He wouldn't sit on my bed and binge study with me until 3 am anymore, he wouldn't invite me out to hang with "him and the guys," to pick up chicks. They go every Friday night, looking for some hot girl that could be "the one." If only he knew I wasn't interested in them. Lara comes with Jacob of course. They just sit and talk at the bar doing shots of what ever is cheapest and making out while the guys are out on the dance floor of a random club in the city trying to score. I'm normally left sitting on one of those really uncomfortable couches, but I still like to go, just so I can be a part of Jacob's life, even though I know I could be studying or working an extra shift at food market down town. Sure, girls are nice and all, but I just don't feel that way. I don't dream about getting a perfect week. I just want to get this part over with and get to the good part. The part that inevitably, doesn't exists.

I have known for a while, the way I feel. It was probably in high school. I was at a party my sophomore year and I was with this girl Sarah, she was my dream girl at the time, but when we actually started dating, it just didn't feel right. She was great. An amazing person but she just wasn't right, the whole relationship just wasn't right. I would notice other guys. I would think about how I wanted to be them, and then I started to think how I would rather be with them than actually be them. It freaked me out at first but now I know that this is what I want.

To help calm myself down, I try to imagine the sound of the door knob twisting, and Jacob walking in, wrapping his arms around me apologizing and telling me I was right about her, that she wasn't what he needed. I know that won't happen though. Jacob is as straight as a wire. So now, I'm just left with my day dreams and every passing hour that doesn't happen. The door knob doesn't turn. Jacob doesn't walk in and he definitely doesn't put his arms around me and apologize. All that is here is me, sitting with my blankets over my head, waiting for my phone to ring with a call from him that isn't going to come. All I have are my thoughts and myself.