All These Shining Lights

Part 2: Jacob

The cold Chicago air is beating against my face making my eyes tear up more than they already are. I want to go home, back to the dorm and just sleep. Sleep until he stops talking about her, about how she is going to leave me. I can't do that though. He'll have that stupid "I told you so," look on his face and I can't take it. He's my best friend and I know he doesn't do it on purpose but it is displayed on his face like a piece of art at an art show. I can't give him the pride in knowing he's so right about her. Doesn't he know that I know she's going to leave me? How could I not. If he sees it, I obviously do too. Will and I are one in the same. 

 Lara has always been a wild card. She was never a stable girlfriend, never someone who I could randomly call and ask for help or out for a walk on Lake Drive. I always needed to have an 'appointment' to be with her. It's crappy and a lot more stressful than it should be but I love her. I love her free spirit and how she is fearless to anything and anyone. 

Coming home one night from a random club in the inner city, in the late late night, early morning, all of us and our friends come stumbling out of the bar, my hand in Lara's. Her healed black boots are clicking against the holey cement and it looks like she could break her ankle any second. It was time to go home. My stomach was fuzzy from all the alcohol, my lips burning from her brutal kissing. The party was over and I felt like I could hurl any minute. Will saw I felt this way. He doesn't drink so he was sober and could most likely tell I was ready to go home from my heavy eyes and stumbling walk.  Lara wasn't done though and I couldn't leave her. She walked right up to the next club with her girls leaving me and Will dragging behind. The guys went up to the club with her. She hurled against the wall, wiped off her boots and strut right through the door not even bothered with the hopper checking ID's. She was fearless and free doing whatever she wanted oblivious to the consequences.  Will was convinced she wouldn't notice I was gone and that was the sad truth. We drove back onto campus, myself dry heaving in the front seat, Will rubbing circles on my back lightly murmuring happy words as he drove up to our dorm complex. Why does he have to be right about her? Why can't I let her go? She's already gone. 

She used to be different. I sit down on a frozen bench over looking Lake Michigan. No one is around. I check my phone. It's 1:20 A.M. I have 12 missed calls and 26 texts from Will. He's worried about me but I can't stand to talk to him now. I pull my gloves tighter on my freezing fingers, wrapping my jacket tighter around my chest and tightening my scarf. There is a slight amount of snow starting to pile up underneath my boots. I crush it with the soles and think, classic Chicago winter. This is the same bench I asked Lara out on a year ago today. She doesn't even remember it's our anniversary and is out at a club. Maybe that's why I left tonight. I was so fed up of her hearing about her. Talking about her. Thinking about her. It was the first time it had snowed last year and the snow was catching on her dark eyelashes and making her dark eyes stand out. She smiled so brightly when I asked, I couldn't help but kiss her as soon as she said yes. Little did I know a year later, I would be sitting here by myself. Things were great the first month or so. We would study every night at the library, and go out for coffee afterwards. It was amazing and I could see myself with her for the rest of my life. Then she met some new girls. Got into drinking and partying to hard. She got me involved and it all went down hill to the point of where I am now. Rock Bottom. 

I don't even notice I'm crying until I can feel a frozen tear stuck to my eye. The sun is starting to rise over the lake and it is beautiful. So bad for the situation. People are running past me on their morning runs. I can hear cars filled with people driving to their drab jobs. I don't want to go back but I have to. I have classes I need to go to, people I need to see and tests I need to pass. It's time to go home. Time to go to Will.