I Should Be Thankful

It has been a few months since my time in the basement of horrors.

I suppose I should be thankful to be alive. Truth is, I am not.

I don't trust many people now after what they did to me....I have moved into a small house not far from Brian's place. He and Leighanne had offered me a place to stay but I needed my space.

I think about her all the time now, her perfume, her dark hair falling in her eyes when she laughed at me for doing something dumb.

"Oh, Nicky," she'd say, shaking her head at me. Her voice would feel like home for me if only I could see her again. My heart aches thinking about the piece of it that's missing.

I should be thankful to be alive but the pain is too much.

Sometimes when I close my eyes I see her body....cold and lifeless on the floor in front of me, a pool of blood staining the hardwood floor of her kitchen, her eyes open and staring.....Lauren...

Those eyes would never look into mine again.

I don't sleep much these days. Medication is the only thing to get me to sleep. I'd rather be awake for the rest of my life than to see Valerie again. The nightmares are slowly taking over me.

I should be thankful to be alive...but I am not. I look at the blade in my hand, twirling it slightly. The scars on my wrists remind me of cold metal and bare cement floors, my arms ache thinking about the torture I endured....going days without food or water, wondering if I would see my brothers again.

"Nick we worry about you. Please talk to me." Brian had said last night as I broke down on the phone. I simply hung up. Nothing mattered anymore...I couldn't trust anyone. All I wanted was her back in my life. I needed to see her again.

I should be thankful to be alive, but I am not sure I want it anymore.

Tears fall as I hold the blade up, letting the light catch it. Wondering if anyone would notice that I was gone and how long it would take them to realize. I had written the goodbye letters, sealed them as I place them carefully on my fireplace. My eyes fall upon a picture in a gold frame.

Brian and I sitting on a boat in Argentina.....a sunset behind us. I remember it like yesterday. Seeing that bitch almost kill him too....I wonder what is going through his head. How is he dealing with this?

The phone is ringing and I walk over to pick it up, still holding the knife as silent tears fall onto my pale cheeks.

"Frack?"

"Brian, what's wrong?" I asked, hearing the panic in his voice.

"I wanted to make sure you're okay, I just had a nightmare that you stabbed yourself...."

I dropped the knife, listening it fall onto the carpet, standing there in shock.

"I-im fine Bri." I whispered as my body trembled.

"Okay. Promise me you won't do anything stupid."

"I can't promise that." I answered in a hollow voice. I could hear him start to become emotional now.

"Nicky, it's Thanksgiving. Please don't do this." he begged. My eyes watered again as he pleaded with me, as if he knew what I was about to do.

"What are you thankful for Nick?" he asked me suddenly, jarring me from my thoughts once more.

"Nothing." I snapped.

"You are alive."

"So? I have no one now."

"You have me, Frack. You'll always be my Frack." he said. I picked up the knife and held it once more, why couldn't I just do it?

"I will tell you what I am thankful for Nick. I am thankful to have my little brother back. I am thankful he is still in my life, regardless what some psycho bitch tried to do to him. He's stronger than he thinks and when you see him tell him to find me."

I heard him hang up and I broke down, the blade touching my skin as the tears flowed. Suddenly I stopped....what was I doing? Brian was right.

I dropped the knife and got into my car....next thing I knew I was sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with the Littrells saying grace. I haven't looked back since and things are much better now a year later.

"Uncle Nick what are you thankful for?" Baylee asked me as I ate my turkey.

"Your dad." I replied with a smile. Brian had no idea but he made me realize I had something to live for. I was grateful for it.