SURJERY [sic]

This is shady.  But I have to do this.  I’m printing out my boss’s e-mails at 7:20 on a Saturday morning.  I’ve snuck into the office to obtain incriminating materials. It’s become clear that my boss has resumed his drug use after getting clean a year ago.  He’s been ordering painkillers from a slew of websites that are like Amazon.com but for drug addicts.  Simultaneously, he’s also firing all the other assistants and it’s only a matter of time before I get my pink slip.  I’m basically fine with that because I hate every minute that I’m there.  But I am worried about finding a new job and at this point wouldn’t put anything past him or Sara, my immediate boss.  So in the event that things get defamatory or there’s other general sliminess, I want to be able to point out in a way they’ll understand why they should behave like gentlemen.  I don’t exactly know how I’d use this information but I still need to have it.

 “Why use us?” one e-mail reads.

Answer: “You won’t suffer the embarrassment of a face-to-face conversation with your own physician or a new physician.” 

I print out about twenty pages of e-mails from places like painmedsforyou.com and foreignpharmacies.com, where he’s been ordering Vicodin and other drugs.  His drug of choice: “all of the above.”  I assume that he must have also resumed his cocaine use when he fell off the wagon. 

In another e-mail, Stuart writes:  "I have chronic pain in my left shoulder due to a second degree separation of my A/C joint.  My sleep is disturbed by this problem and I am unable to perform certain activities.  Surjery [sic] has been recommended but I am unwilling to take that step.”  

I howl with laughter that he’s spelled “surgery” with a “j,” especially because our software automatically underlines any misspellings with a red zigzag.  It’s also an instant classic that he’s created a contrived sob story for someone named barryb40@hotmail.com.  I pause to wonder what a day at the office is like for barryb40.   Is he in charge of doing staff recommendations like they do at Amazon.com?  “Stuart, 4 out of 5 customers who enjoyed Vicodin also liked Xanax.  Click here if interested.”  I also wonder if Stuart’s drug buddies are in cyberspace like his dot com dealer is.  Maybe they instant message each other while they’re riding the party train.   I imagine a message from OxycontingirlNYC popping up on his screen: “I’m so high right now.  LOL. LOL. :)” 

I keep printing out the e-mails.  They’ll fire me any day now so my research is time-sensitive.  I’m hung over and sleep-deprived on this reconnaissance mission.  Last night I was a vodka siphon because that’s what people who hate their jobs do on Friday night.  It was very “let’s keep the tab open because I hate my life.”  I’ve snuck in immediately after waking up, pre-caffeine, pre-Gatorade and pre-Advil to avoid any weekend workaholic bogeys.

When I started working at the agency it was a month after my last job was downsized.  I was thrilled to be working again so soon.  I felt anointed when I went to a black tie event on my second day with Stuart and the other agents, Sara, Hannah and Denise.  I hadn’t worn a tux since the prom.   And over the first few months my higher-ups were actually fun.  We pooled money to buy lottery tickets at 7-11 when the jackpots were big.  They heaped me with praise.  Everyone kept telling me Sara loved me.   They had a “TGIF” attitude when the weekend finally came around and Stuart even surprised me with quarterly bonuses, which have since disappeared.  The first time I saw them differently was in month two, when they had me place an ad in the trades to replace one of my coworkers.  A few months after that Stuart fired his assistant, James.  Minutes after James left in a fit of anger, I could hear Stuart and Sara laughing in her office, completely unperturbed.  Six months later, Stuart fired the girl who replaced James.  In his final conversation with her, after saying “I feel like I’m breaking up with a girlfriend,” he criticized her for taking a recent personal day. He also whimpered “When you’re not here, it makes me want to use.”  Denise’s assistant gets the axe the following month.  It’s basically high-concept redecorating, changing employees instead of color patterns.