Diary of a Sexually Confused Teenager

30 October 2015

I feel like I don't understand anything anymore. It started off with my sexuality, then school, friends, my life. I don't understand what I feel or what I think, or even if I feel anything at all.

The idea that I'm not straight has always been at the back of my mind, since I was about 12. I don't necessarily mean that I'm lesbian, but I've never felt straight in my entire life. This was never really a problem for me, because the fact that I had feelings for girls never came up in conversation. Only recently has it become really confusing- since maybe a few months ago (I'm almost seventeen now).

I've had crushes on guys. A lot. Like a lot a lot. And so I've always thought that I was attracted to guys, because I am. But at the same time, the idea of any for of physical contact with a guy seems gross to me. My heart races around guys I find attractive. But I have no desire whatsoever to hold their hand or kiss them or anything.

With girls, it's different. I've never really felt butterflies around girls, but I've definitely been attracted to them in the past. I even remember once when I was in kindergarten: I came home and told my mom that I really liked this girl. I don't remember what my mom told me afterwards, but I do remember that I had a crush on a girl even at that young age.

I've told exactly four people that I am bisexual, but I don't even know if this is true. Girls are gorgeous and I'd definitely rather be with a girl than with a boy, but at the same time- I can't deny my attraction to boys. People always say that you don't really need to label yourself- which I agree with- but if I don't, people will assume I'm heterosexual. Not that being straight is a bad thing, but if I'm attracted to a girl who is also attracted to girls, how will she know? And, as silly as it sounds, I want the freedom to say "oh she's hot" when I see a picture of an attractive actress or something, the same way that my friends make comments about male actors.

I don't understand my feelings at all. I can't relate to straight relationships, and  even though I can relate to homosexual relationships more, I don't relate to them completely. Although, this may just be due to a lack of experience because I have dated exactly 0 people throughout my whole life.

And then there's this other issue- friendship vs. romance. I don't see them as two completely separate things. Even as a kid I didn't. Maybe that just means I care about my friends a lot, or that I've never experienced romantic attraction before. But with my best friend, for example- I always tell her that I love her like a sister, but that's not true. I love her. I don't really know how to explain what I mean by that, but I would do anything for her, which is way more than I would ever do for any of my other friends. I would even kiss her. But I don't know. I don't know if that's romantic attraction or if I just care about her a lot. That made no sense.

I just want to be able to understand one thing in my life.