Hubcaps And Ashtrays (kellic)

Chapter One

A/N: I realize I'm not done with either of the other Kellic stories I'm writing, but this one's been rolling around in my head for quite awhile, and I just thought I'd let it out. Please let me know if you enjoy this chapter, and I'll try to keep regularly uploading on it. <3

[Kellin's POV]

There comes a point in here at which everything becomes messier here than it was on the outside. For me, that was about a month and a half back, when six months here turned into a year. When they decided I couldn't be trusted on the outside yet. To be fair, that's probably because in those five and a half months, I'd only been to group twice and the rest of the time I'd refuse to go or I'd been in solitary. That was my fault... Usually. My fault because I'd been caught doing something I shouldn't, that meaning I'd been saving up my pills for the grand suicide attempt, because I'd been caught somewhere I shouldn't be trying to do something I definitely shouldn't, or because one of the nurses noticed I hadn't been eating- or that I'd eaten and then promptly run off to the bathroom to rid my body of all the calories.

My brain always screamed at me about the calories... Or about the fact that I wasn't someone anyone wanted around, let alone wanted to love. I wasn't ever someone who fit in, which would have been fine had it not been for all the gay jokes. I'm not gay. I mean... I've never had a girlfriend... But I've never had a boyfriend either, and I definitely know I like girls.

Anyways, today's going to be the third trip to group unless I manage to fuck it up between now, which is lunch, and group in half an hour. I'm betting not, though I can't say I've never done it before.

Today there's a new boy here, my new roomie since Gerard left about two weeks ago. I was sad to see him go, but I didn't really know him that well. He didn't talk much. Today the new boy isn't in the cafeteria, every new patient has a supervised lunch the first day. You start at level zero when you get here, which means supervised lunches, not in the cafeteria. All it takes to get to level one is going to group, the first time that is. The second, third, fourth, etcetera, times that you get dropped back to level zero it isn't as easy to achieve level one status. I've somehow done it in as little as two weeks before, but not many do. Most people take two or even three months to achieve level one for the second time. I guess it gets easier the more times you drop back.

This new boy will be in my group and I intend to meet this mystery, maybe even befriend him. Jenna has been talking my ear off about this boy and I want to meet him.

Jenna and I are actually pretty close. She's the only one who will tolerate me and vice versa. Aside from Tay, but she's another story.

Eventually, I finish picking at my lunch and Jenna does too, so we request permission to leave the cafeteria and sit in the hall, a would be normal thing for the two of us had I not been in my room or solitary most of the time, but Jenna always manages to get in there somehow. Not just for me, though... for Tay, too. Tay gets thrown in solitary only slightly less than I do, and she's always in there way longer than I am. Jenna and Tay have been a couple since I got in here, both of them having been here longer than I have, Tay by a year, Jenna by two months.

Tay's been in solitary for about a month now, and Jenna's refused to even try seeing her this time. I'm assuming something went down between them immediately before she went in there this time, as when we push through the doors and I ask I'm answered by a furrowed brow, too concentrated for the girl who loves her more than life itself.

"What was that look?" I ask.

She doesn't answer, only goes to our "usual" spot and outstretches her arms to me, beckoning for me to join her. As I do, she lays her head in my lap, the way I only let her and Tay do.

She looks tired today, and her eyes are glassy. "Jenna, did you sleep?" I ask her, she shakes her head, looking up at me dreamily, before yawning and closing her eyes.

It's an unspoken thing between us that I play with her hair when she lays her head in my lap, and she's out in no time once I do.

I make sure not to move so I don't wake her, because she doesn't sleep nearly as much as she should, but then again, neither do I. Until, of course, about two minutes before the nurse will come out to let us know it's time to head inside for group.

"J, it's time to wake up, the nurse is gonna be out in a couple minutes," I say, shaking her gently.

She groans softly and sits up, rubbing her eyes and running her hand through her hair, looking rather grumpy. Marisa better not ask her to talk in group today, I'm not thinking she'd like the outcome.

Sure enough, the nurse comes out almost as soon as she sits up, "Kellin, Jenna, group is going to start soon. New boy is coming today, better get a move on. Nice to see you out and about again, Kellin."

I smile at her and nod as I stand. I'd help Jenna up, but physical contact is frowned upon in here. Instead, she stumbles as she stands, earning a suspicious look from the nurse and a small, worried sound from me. She's gotten Jack to get her extra pills before, almost killed her then, and I wouldn't doubt she'd try again. I know Jack wouldn't do it for her this time, Alex wouldn't let him do that. Alex knows how important she is to me and Jack is equally important to him so it would be in both of our best interests to keep them both out of trouble and out of solitary.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Jenna says reassuringly, looking from me to the nurse quickly as the nurse retreats to the cafeteria.

I look at her suspiciously, "what was that?"

"I'm fine, Kell, I promise. I'm not doing anything stupid... I just... Haven't slept well since Tay went into solitary," she said.

"Jenna," I say as I push through the door and make my way to a seat in the circle, her right beside me, "what happened between you and Tay before she went into solitary this time?"

Jenna bites her lip and then looks at me, teary eyed. "It wasn't her fault, she... She didn't mean it," her voice broke as she spoke and I swear it looked like she would break down right there. "She didn't mean what she said her... Her brother... She didn't mean it," she shook her head as she looked away from me.

I look around to make sure there's no one here who will scold me for this, then I hug her tightly, allowing her to fall against my chest. I don't like physical contact, but I know it comforts her, so I do what I can. "Jenna, it's okay... You're okay. What'd she say?"

Jenna looks up at me and shakes her head, "I'll tell you later..." She mumbles as another nurse walks in, leading a short boy with messy brown hair and brown eyes that look around like a lost puppy, never meeting anyone else's, and let's him sit down in the only other empty seat, directly across from me.

He sits down and is staring at the floor, he doesn't even look up when Marisa walks in. She doesn't notice him right off anyways, but she notices me. "Kellin! It's good to see you here today!"

I nod, smiling as all eyes, including this new kid's, fall on me. I begin to feel self conscious, so I shake my head so that my hair falls over my eyes and I don't have to see them watching me, though the boy whose attention I've inadvertently caught looks away as soon as I do this and I regret that decision.

The question is, why? Why do I care that he's looking back at the floor? That's what I wanted, wasn't it? I wanted them all to look away from me, right?

Pretty soon, Jenna's elbowing me in the ribcage and I look over to her, glowering. She jerks her head in Marisa's direction as though she's asked me something, so I brush my hair away from my face and look at her apologetically, "I'm sorry, what?"

"How are you feeling today, Kellin?" She asks again, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

I contemplate telling her I'd like to kill myself, but I don't want to be placed on suicide watch, so I go simple, "neutral."

She writes something down on her stupid clipboard, brow furrowing as she looks back to me, "care to elaborate?"

"What's there to elaborate on? I'm neutral. That's not good and it's not bad. It's a state of being where nothing particularly bothers me but I'm not exactly happy either. I'm existing, but I'm not really living," I say, noticing the boy's eyes flicker up to me a few times while I'm speaking, looking kind of shocked, but I don't know why. Why am I so fascinating to him?

"Thank you, Kellin," she says and looks over to the new kid, finally bothering to acknowledge his existence.

"So, Victor," Marisa begins, "I know it's your first day, but how are you feeling?"

"It's Vic," he mumbles almost inaudibly, but says nothing more and doesn't even look up at her.

"Okay... Vic, how are you feeling?" She asks again.

He shrugs, not speaking.

Marisa scribbles something on her clipboard and sighs, moving to Jenna. "How are you feeling today, Jenna?"

"Like hell," she says, her tone acidic enough to make me wince, "I don't want to be here."

"Define here, Jenna," she asks.

"Maybe I don't want to define here," Jenna says and I sigh, having known from the start that Marisa shouldn't have tried with her today.

"Ms. McDougall, please cooperate, define here."

"I mean in group... Obviously." Jenna says, and I know she's lying. I'm not an idiot and Jenna isn't as hard to read as she thinks.

"Thank you, Jenna." Marisa accepts it, then tries to go back to Vic, but I've tuned out, so I don't know if he actually says anything.

This is how group usually goes, she'll ask us questions, but she won't ask everyone, though everyone is supposed to speak. I say supposed to, because there are always the ones who refuse to say anything, like Vic.

Anyways, now it's the time where we get to do whatever, go to the lounge, sit in our room, until dinner, which will be in about four hours.

I get up to leave with Jenna when Marisa calls me back. I sigh, looking over my shoulder at her, then to my friend, "don't wait up for me I guess..."

I go over to see what she wants and notice that she's still got Vic with her, as well. Great. Since he's my roommate, I'm probably being forced to show him around. Now I'm never going to know what Tay said to Jenna that's got her so worked up.

This is just lovely. "So, Kellin, I thought that since Vic will be rooming with you that it might be nice of you to show him around, help him meet some people."

"You're under the impression that I know people here, but you forget how often I'm in my room or solitary. What makes you think I'm the one who should show him the ropes?" I ask, and he looks up from the ground, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. I send him a small smile back and he turns a bit red, quickly looking back to the floor.

"I was hoping you'd just say yes, but you're Kellin. I should have known you'd have responded that way," she sighs, "at least introduce him to Jenna, please? And still show him around."

"Sure, whatever," I say and she smiles, pleased that she's gotten the response she wanted out of me, thinking that I'm being obedient.

"Okay, so... Vic, this is Kellin, Kellin, Vic."

"Hi," I offer, but he doesn't look up, which is fine since I'm not the most outgoing person.

I gesture for him to follow me before turning to exit the cafeteria, Marisa pushing him gently to follow me. "Come on. I'll show you around."

As we leave, he takes up a spot next to me, the place where Jenna or Tay usually would be. This is also fine, because he's not in my bubble, and he's not talking to me. Until, that is, we get about ten feet from the lounge.

"Actually," he begins, sounding nervous, "can we stop off at the room, first?"

I nod at his request, "certainly. Did you need something from there, or...?"

"No, I just... Don't like crowds. Don't want that many eyes on me at once."

"Don't I know it. But trust me, the people in here aren't that bad. Most of us don't like eye contact, so I don't think that many people would stare."

He shrugs as we round the corner to go into our room. "Still, though..."

I shrug and lean against the wall next to our door, not expecting that we're going to be in here for all that long. But he looks really lost.

"You okay there?" I ask.

He shakes his head without looking at me.

I sigh, pushing off the wall and going a bit closer to him, though not too close. I learned a bit from befriending Tay. You don't know what a person's going to do, she was the sweetest girl until she swung. Not the point, but still. He seems on edge anyways, and I don't know him, why he's in here, or what he might do. "So what's wrong, then?"

"You're naive. That's what."

"How am I naive?" I'm not even sure where that came from.

"You believe that just because all of us are in here for a reason that we're not all secretly judging each other. I mean, come on. Every time someone looks at you they're assessing how close to the edge you are, or what your condition is, why you're here. Everyone wants to know and don't you dare pretend you don't do the same."

So he's got me there, but I'd never admit that to him. He just got here, who does he think he is to tell me what I do? Then again, I'm not really one to fight. "I guess you're probably right. But honestly, I don't look at anyone in here, so I probably don't."

"I guess we're one of the few and far between then," he says, "people like us gotta stick together. Especially in a place like this."

"I don't think you'll think that in a few days," I say softly, and maybe a bit darkly as well.

He looks at me, brow furrowed, for a moment. "What does that mean?"

"It means I'm a moody piece of shit who constantly thinks of suicide and you don't want to deal with that. I don't know why Jenna or Tay do."

He nods, looking away again. "Maybe because that's what a friend does. There's that naivety again. I said what I did because I truthfully believe people like us should stick together. And I'm interested in being your friend. I'm the same way. Why else would I be here?" He tugs at his jacket sleeves, and I'm almost surprised I've gotten as many words out of him as I have so far.

I shrug, "I guess you have a fair enough point. But still... There are plenty of reasons people come in here. But that's beside the point. We've gotta go now, because I promised Marisa I'd at least introduce you to Jenna. We can come back here as soon as I do that, if you want, but I have to do that."

He heaves a sigh and walks out the door in front of me as I close the door. Jenna's probably back in her room, but who knows.

We walk into the lounge. And oddly enough, she's there. In a chair alone in the corner, sure, but there.

I walk over to her, gesturing for him to follow me. He does so, though exceedingly reluctantly. I can't exactly say I'm surprised.

"Hey Jenna," I say brightly, and she looks up.

"Marisa wrangled you, huh?" She asks, referring to the fact that Vic is now less than four feet from me at all times.

I sigh, "Jenna, be nice."

"Sorry," she mumbles, looking down, then between Vic and me. "So, you gonna introduce me or what?"

"Right, that's what I was about to do," I say, almost having forgotten why I dragged Vic out of our room and into the very crowded lounge. "This is Vic," I say, gesturing to him, "Vic, Jenna."

She waves at him and he does little more to acknowledge her than lift his head for a solid five seconds.

I sigh again, "Vic, can you wave back, at least?"

He waves, looking at me in a way to ask "can we please leave now?"

I give him a small nod and then turn back to Jenna. "Hey, so I'm gonna go show him around a little bit more. So, I'll see you at dinner?"

Jenna nods, "unfortunately."

I sigh, simply turning and walking away. She gets like this sometimes and as much as I want to tell one of the doctors I'm worried, I don't want to get her put on suicide watch. It usually goes away, so I can't do anything.

Once we get out of the lounge, Vic looks over at me. "You're worried about her. You didn't have to come with me, you could've stayed and talked to her."

I shake my head and look back at him, our eyes meeting for a moment before both pairs dart away. "No I couldn't," I say, "Marisa gave me a job aimed at setting me on the road to level two. Not to mention the fact that I didn't want to be in there."

"But you're worried about her," he reiterates.

"Of course I am, Jenna's my friend. But she gets like this sometimes and there's nothing anyone can do to fix it."

"What do you mean?"

"Jenna's in here for attempted suicide and major depressive disorder," I say, "don't tell her I told you.

"I don't think she and I will be doing much talking, to be completely honest."

"She's just in a bad mood is all, she'll warm up to you," I say. I start nervously chewing my bottom lip as we walk, realizing it's probably my fault. I'm the one who brought up Tay.

"What's wrong with you?" He asks, watching me as we round the corner into our room and I sit cross legged on my bed, furrowing my brow as he sits on the edge of his bed, his legs dangling over the side.

"Nothing's wrong with me," I look down, picking at my jacket seams.

"You're also a very bad liar," he observes, watching me.

When I look up, he looks away, scooting to the middle of his bed.

"No I'm not," I say defensively, my hand going to my hair and tugging at it roughly, a nervous habit of mine.

"Maybe not to others," he begins, tugging at his jacket sleeve, "but I'm observant and I know you're lying. Obviously, we just met, so it doesn't matter whether you tell me or not, but I don't want you to do anything stupid."

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," I say, pulling my hand away from my head with a few strands tangled through my fingers. "I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life."

"Then talk about it," he pushes.

"No. I have my problems and you have yours. I don't need to bother you with my stupid problems. It doesn't matter anyways."

"If it didn't matter, you wouldn't be upset, and I wouldn't be asking if it were a bother."

"It's my fault Jenna's acting this way," I say, reluctantly giving in.

"How so?" He asks.

"I brought up her girlfriend because I was curious, and I guess she said something to her that upset her and I brought it up," I say, "it's my fault."

"It's not your fault if something happened between the two of them," he says, "that's like taking responsibility for a murder when you weren't on the same continent as the scene of the crime." It's a little exaggerated, but I get his point.

"Yeah, well she was fine until I brought her up."

"Then maybe she should go talk to her."

"Technically, she can't," I say, "physically, she won't."

"What do you mean by that?" He asks, brow furrowing.

"What I mean," I begin, "is that her girlfriend is in solitary, so technically she can't talk to her. However, she gets into solitary all the time. She has her ways, I've never asked, so she could but she won't. She's upset, but she'd never say that."

"Well, who would?" He asks, "no one wants to admit that their mad at their significant other."

"But that's bad for Jenna," I admit, "it's bad for anyone, but especially her."

"What makes it so much worse for her?" He looks so confused by my statement.

"She's here, isn't she?" I ask, "just like everyone else. Like I said, she's here for a suicide attempt and major depressive disorder. And she's attempted suicide in here more than once. I don't want her to do anything to hurt herself again."

"You can't stop her, you know. If she wants to she's going to."

"I know, but..." I trail off, not wanting to finish that thought.

"But you care about her," he observes.

"Yeah. That." I say, trailing off.

"Why does it sound like you're upset by that?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

It's not a lie, I don't. I don't care about anyone but Jenna. But I don't want to tell him that. He doesn't even know me. He doesn't know what I'm here for. He knows no more about me than I do him. We know nothing more than a name and some kind of familiar face.

It's quiet for a few more minutes before I realize something.

I'm the only one he's willingly spoken to and taken direction from this entire time he's been here. I don't know this guy from Adam and yet he's trusting me more than the doctors. Me, a suicidal manic depressive. Not that he knows that.

"So," I begin, "I've got a question."

"Oh god, please don't tell me I was wrong about you," he mumbles, looking up.

"No, no," I say, "I'm not going to ask why you're here. I just wanted to know why you're talking to me but you wouldn't talk to Marisa."

"Oh. That. Right." He shrugs, obviously not wanting to talk about it, but surprisingly enough, he continues to speak. "It's just that I've dealt with therapists before. I was in therapy for several years of my life and it's not like any of them actually care what the fuck is going on in your life. And you can't really tell them what you feel. If they know you want to hurt yourself or kill yourself, they'll send you away."

I nodded in complete understanding. I'd felt the exact same way since my arrival here. I'm not an idiot, so I know that's true. To them, we're just what they have to deal with for a massive pay out at the end of two weeks. We don't mean anything to them. "But why are you talking to me? A lot of patients feel that way, so what made you choose me?"

"I could tell you understood me on that level just by the way you carefully answered her question today in group. And your face told me literally everything I needed to know. That you wanted to die, but of course you wouldn't say that because the second you do, you're on suicide watch. Who really wants that?" He shrugs, "everyone else was too honest."

That's because everyone else wants to get out of here, and they want to get better. I was forced to come here. I don't have anyone waiting for me to get out. I have no reason to leave. I'll be on the streets when I leave. If I leave. If I have my way, I'll die in here. But I wouldn't dream of telling a complete stranger that.

"I guess that's a fair enough point. But I think it's because they have lives to get back to. All I have to get back to is a suicide attempt."

"You have to make them think you're getting better if you want to get out and try again." He says.

"I guess I know that, but... Wait... Why are you trying to help me kill myself?"

"If it's going to make you happy or give you peace or whatever, then do it. Who am I to stop you? Besides, my plan is the same."

"I guess so, but I can't say I haven't tried once or twice while I've been in here. All that's gotten me is a trip to solitary."

"No surprise," Vic says, as if it should have been obvious. But it's not like I meant to be caught by the nurses. I honestly wouldn't have been caught by my parents if my mom hadn't been home.

"Yeah, yeah. I know," I say, "it was stupid, anyways. I did it because I'm an idiot but I needed out. I still do need out. But it's not like I'm going to succeed in here."

"Of course you're not," Vic says, looking at me. "They'd get in trouble for that. They could get sued for that. By your parents, that is."

Little does he know that my dad's absentee and my mom and I have a bit of a crappy relationship. I honestly have to say I blame my dad for that. We were really close before my dad up and left us.

My mom and I don't really see eye to eye on my dad's disappearance.

I wouldn't tell him that, but still, I shake my head. "That's where you're wrong."

"About?"

"My parents wouldn't sue. We'll leave it at that."