I Survived

how it all started ...

My parents got divorce when I was 3. I was taken away from my mom and I didn't see her often... I got to see her maybe once or twice a year.. I lived with my father my step mom my two step sisters and my little brother... my step mom was really emotional abusive.. my little brother R (not gonna say names.. ) and I went through everything together... she would make him put his toys in trash sacks and take them to the curb and make him watch the trash man take it away... I am a girl so she just gave my stuff to her girls... we weren't allowed to have anything nice... I always felt like I was never good enough like I would never become anything... I felt worthless and alone... In forth grad I told my school concealer I was gonna hang my self... I was put in a mental institution for 6 months ... I wasn't get better just worse so my father took me out... I begin cutting... just so I knew I could still feel ... something anything... I was just so empty and numb... no one noticed... when I was 12 I started going to church with my uncle. I thought I was safe I felt comfortable and I loved going... when I was 13 my uncle molested me on Christmas Eve... the only one who knew for the longest time was my little brother and that's only because I came home at 2 or 3 am crying... he went in my room and I was sitting in the corner with a pillow just balling I didn't understand what just happened or why... maybe a year or so latter my brother told my mom... .the truth came out and no one believed me... my uncle still came around... so I cut some more.. I just wanted it to go away I just wanted to pretend that it didn't happen but it did and even when people knew they did nothing because they didn't believe me... so I started smoking k2 and doing triple c's and per scription pain meds just so I could forget for a while and be happy... when i was 15 i went with my step sister to a guys house she didnt know .. we both did things we shouldn't have... when I was 16 I started sneaking out to see this guy I liked we had unprotected sex and when it came time to tell my parents he bailed and didn't want anything to do with me... a few weeks later I got a positive on the pregnancy test... I was so scared I didn't know what to do. I had a job already so I just started working extra hours trying to support my child and I.. because my father said I better not be pregnant when I told him in the first place so I was doing everything alone... I loved her more then I ever knew was possible more then I could ever even love myself... 4 months later I had a miscarriage... I didn't understand... I didn't know why I had live with out her I didn't know why they didn't let her live and me die... I felt empty...