I'm just going to talk about how I self harm because I want to write and I don't know how to express myself.
1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
I started in seventh grade. Well, sort of in fourth grade. I threatened to break my own arm to someone, and I think I might have actually done it. But I always used to (and still do) scratch myself when I was upset. So, it's been awhile. But I first actually cut myself in seventh grade, two days before Christams. I started because I was starving myself and I was upset about that I guess. I don't really know. I was immature, I guess.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
At the moment, my right hip. But I started cutting my wrists, then my legs.
3. What is your motivation to recover?
My music. Tennis. Tennis. Tennis. Tennis is all I really need at this point.
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
Definitely. I crave it daily. I don't go for a span of ten minutes without thinking about it. I'm always picking at things, just craving the blood to pout out of me.
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
Cleaning up. It's the most annoying thing ever, especially when you're dizzy and shaky from blood loss.
6. What about it do you enjoy?
The release. The shakiness. The pain. The scars. Power. Control. Strength.
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
Listening to music, eating, tennis, piano, crying, writing ... I can't really think of anything else. Anxiety, you know?
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
Not to give a cop out answer, but nothing really. I mean, when people (very few) say that they're "there for me" or other nice things of that nature, I just don't really believe it. I mean, some of the worst people would say that they're there for you. It's just something you say.
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
Yes. And gifs. I don't post them or anything. I just think I like the way they look on camera. They look more real. Like I'm not hallucinating. I don't know, really. I enjoy it though.
10. How do you feel about your scars?
I have mixed emotions. Sometimes I think they're pretty and I'm proud of them. But other times I fucking despise them.
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
Oh this is a good one. We were taking the state mandated tests. And you know how it's always really quiet during the testing period? Well, yeah, and how you find a way to finish way early and you're not allowed to do anything so you kind of just sit there in your desk, doing nothing. Well I decided to just dig my nails into my forearm and scratch. When I did that I was sort of desperate. My teacher was sitting in the front of the room, (me and him are really close, long story) but anyways, the teachers kind of have to just look over us. I kind of wish he would have seen.
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
I've gone through a lot of spells where I feel "strong" and I don't think I'll ever cut again so I throw them all out feeling very proud of myself. I've kept razors in the back of a CD case, in a decorative vase on top of my dresser, my laptop case, my backpack, the back of my phone, my bottom drawer that no one ever goes in, my pocket, a tissue box. But at the moment my only razor is kept in a bag that came with my Beats (the headphones) where no one would really guess to look.
