Endless Patterns

1: Luka.

"It's better if he never knows the truth."

That's what I've told Toko, and Takashiro, and every other Zweilt who has questioned my choice, not a real answer, but usually enough to silence the question. I made it clear a long time ago that I couldn't ever tell Yuki about our past relationship, but the reasons behind this decision are just too painful to discuss.

As I watched Yuki grow from a small child to the gentle and compassionate boy who resides with us now, I questioned the reason for his loss of memory. As a female in his countless past lives, Yuki was strong and more honest than all of us, the one who never questioned her existence. The pain I saw him go through then was unbearable; I - who had always been her closest confidant - felt what he felt, understood his lonely confusion far too clearly, and wanted nothing more than to banish this from his heart forever.

When Yuki was no more than a few months old, Takashiro persuaded me that it would be best to leave him at the Asahi Orphanage. "It will be safer for him, Zess. But you already knew that. It's your own selfish desire that's refusing to relent your hold on him, yes?" That moment alone is the closest I've ever come to killing that so-called leader.

Of course he was right. The time would come eventually when Yuki would recognize his abnormality and accept his fate as it came his way naturally. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to entirely let the child go. He was the one I loved in countless past lives. Our souls have been intertwined since eternity, and feelings such as we had don't disappear in rebirth. Even though I never approached him, I guarded him fiercely from the shadows. Yes, he stayed at the orphanage as opposed to the Twilight Mansion, laughed with that damn Reiga, and experienced life as any other little boy might. But I always kept a close eye on him, almost like a watchdog, as Toko said teasingly, although it was accurate enough.

It wasn't of much surprise that, as Yuki passed into high school and resembled his old female self, more and more every single day, my heart began to stir once again. One morning, a year or so before the events that brought him back to us, I watched him telling a story to a few of the orphans underneath the large tree in the worn-but-homely courtyard, and unconsciously raised a hand, tracing his distant profile, so familiar and yet so fresh. Those golden eyes, that tawny hair. That hand, gesturing softly so as not to disturb the resting children, that I had caressed so many times, etching endless patterns as she slept with a peaceful smile. I felt my heart skip a beat, suddenly breathless as he glanced up to my place in the shade, normally hidden from view, with a queer expression of puzzlement on his face.

I am not the only one who felt our souls blaze for each other once more, I realized with a jolt, and leaned back against the wall where I had concealed myself in a moment's confusion. Peering around the corner, I saw him standing now, at the stone wall of the courtyard, glancing down the street as if expecting me to appear before him.

That's the closest I've ever come to throwing caution to the wind and letting go of the wall I'd built up. My weakest moment. Even now, though I've grown strong enough to fight my instincts that pushed me to stroke his hair or hold his hand, it's hard to resist. But that very instant was when it all clicked: why she made the wish to come back as a man with no memories this time.

Because of me.

I gazed at the moon for hours that night, and slept the day away, repeating this cycle for almost a week until pain in my heart had loosened enough for me to focus on my usual tasks. She had wanted to forget all her past lives, to start anew without the constraints of our love or the powers of being God's Light. Yuki loved all of us, I could never doubt that, but even someone as selfless and brave as she dreamed of a world without the constant burden of living up to her destiny. Toko, Tsukumo, and all the rest of them tried to make the pain worth her while, being the best companions she had ever wanted, but no one -not even me- could erase the damage that came to her at the end of each lifespan.

It was the only apparent reason for her decision. I understood that, accepted it eventually, and yet this gradual splinter driving its wedge into my heart, ever since that day, has only been twisted deeper as the days go by. I watch him, the Yuki I will always love, smile at me without knowing how harshly his brilliance radiates within me.

I love him, I know this.

I also know that no matter what I may wish for, I cherish him too deeply to simply forget.

Thirdly...I am aware that he cannot ever know this; it would distract him, make him worry for me, and pity me, and I won't ever allow my own selfishness to invade his thoughts like that, as I've done so many years in the past.

So much of me wants to stay with him, to trace those endless patterns a thousand times more, forever, indeed. But I know what's right, and what resides in Yuki's heart.

Even if you never want to love me again, Yuki, I will not betray you. That will always be my first and foremost thought, and for you, I can suffer any kind of torment.