The Broken Behind The Mask..

Her life underneath it all...

There she stands. Big smile, chin up, cute clothes, and perfect hair. A tiny body in which she feels lost in. Her appearance is only to cover up the person she is underneath. Underneath the smile, and the clothes, and the make-up. Behind the slim-waist, and inside herself. Looking at her she seems so beautiful, so precious, so lovely, so wanted, so happy... so... perfect.

Looking deep. Looking deep you can see that the make up is to cover the tear stains; the smile to hide the frown of her broken heart; the clothes to cover the body she can't even look at, because she doesn't want it.

Broken. She feels broken. All her life she had been told she wasn't good enough; told she was ugly and fat. She was pushed to the point of hating herself. Broken to the point of no return. Destroyed so much she can not even look at herself in anything wearing anything less than shorts and a tee without viewing herself as disgusting... ugly... FAT...

Mentally abused by these people she was supposed to call her peers to the point of... complete... total... DESOLATION.

Fighting. The one thing this girl dislikes is fighting, but she has to do it ALL the time. She must fight the urges to not eat. She must fight the bad thoughts. She must fight herself when looking in the mirror. She must fight the tears with her beautiful smile. She tries to fight the fact that she trusts no one, but fails. She fights her emotions. She is CONSTANTLY fighting, but nobody sees it.

Worthless. Behind the make-up, and the smile, and the clothes she feels worthless. After being left so many times, and having so many people give her up; this girl felt full-heartedly worthless. She's had sleepless nights just thinking about how worthless she is. Scared that her current friends are going to realize like so many have before how worthless she really is and just give up like the rest. She is waiting for it more than she is scared of it.

Trust. This girl knows no such thing. She used to put all her trust in the people she cared about, but she found out the hard way that not everybody is deserving of trust. After being broken, and hurt, sexually harassed, and cheated on multiple times, and then some; this girl was destroyed. Used to hearing the same promises over and over again. Words like, "I love you.", "I'll never give up on you.", "You're my everything.", "Forever and always." But these words always turned into, "It's over. I'm done with you.", "I give up. I'm tired of you.", "I'm better off without you.", "Not interested in speaking to you." And each time would hurt just as the very first time.

She put up with way too much bullshit. She fucking hates herself for it. Her first high-school relationship for example... she let him sexually harass her. She couldn't do anything about it. She let this continue for five months straight without telling a soul. At that point she found out that he had also cheated on her like five times and the only reason she didn't get back together with him was because her friends decided to step in. Then, had been cheated on in every relationship since. Also, the "first high-school boyfriend" was not the only one she was sexually harassed by. Four separate guys; too many occasions to count. She didn't know how to fucking stand up for herself.

No. That one word was never her strong-suit. She couldn't do it, and constantly hated herself for it. She looks back on every moment she wanted to say no, but couldn't do it. If this girl ever said no she was persuaded by sheer imploring to the point of a yes, or just simply forced into one. She was never good at holding her ground. She got so used to pleasing everybody else she always discarded her own feelings. That's why all she's done sexually hasn't felt like what she wanted to do, but at the same time she was uncertain. She was highly content with the virginity she had managed to keep. Honestly, she didn't understand how she had managed to do so, but felt very jovial that she did.

Good enough. She never felt good enough. She couldn't write, or speak, think, be part of a class discussion or even be in existence without feeling.... wrong, invalid, or worthless.

Pain. One thing this girl knew really really well was pain. You wouldn't know it by looking at her with her gregarious personality, and pretty clothes. Perfect smile, and her pretty hair. It's when she gets home when you notice it all. When she takes off her make-up, takes out her contacts, throws her hair in a messy bun, and puts on shorts, and a big sweater. When she sits home and just.... cries. Cries because she feels lonely. Cries because she is scared. Cries because she gets constantly yelled at. Cries because she's fat. Cries because everything she has known makes her sad. She cries. She cries.... because of anger... she cries, because she is....simply... broken. The scars on her arm are only a physical representation of a mere fraction of the emotional pain that she bottles up inside. The panic attacks; only a smidgen of the fear she really feels. The nightmares are only a portion of the memories she is arduously faced with everyday. But not one single thing adds up to the pain she really feels. She's dealt with so much that she can literally feel her heart sink with sadness. She can feel how broken it is. Being dauntless everyday, looking jovial, imploring her tears to subside for just a few hours only lasts so long... When she snuggles up in bed; wishing that someone would just..... hold her. She cries.