The Way

Phan

I hate myself. Thats why I slit my skin. I cant do anything right and im a complete screw up. People pretend that theyre my friends, only to hurt me even more. I bet its only a matter of time until he hurts me too. I really cant deal with all this stress. Soon after he realizes how screwed up I am, he'll leave. He doesnt actually love me and I know. He pretends. Everyone does. I belong in hell to rot. Im ugly. Im stupid. Im fat. Im selfish. Im annoying. Im clingy. Im weak. Im a bitch. Im a bad friend. i deserve to die. Im a coward. Im gross. i cant do anything right. Im a whore. Im too loud. over dramatic. i dont deserve him. I dont deserve to live. Im a terrible person.  i should die. i should suffer. i deserve pain. someone just kill me. please. I heard a knock on the door, "Phil? Are you in there?" My head snapped up and I said, "Yeah, I'm just about to shower." "OK." I turned on the shower and undressed. As I looked down at my body, I winced. Almost my whole body is covered in scars and cuts. I stepped in the shower and relaxed a little. Suddenly, I felt myself starting to cry. I tried my best to keep quiet, but soon, I was sobbing quietly. I heard Dan say, "Phil, I can hear you even through the shower. Please tell me whats wrong." I had forgotten that he was here, "I-Its nothing Dan, I just dropped something on my foot." "Phil, I'm coming in, whether youre dressed or not." I soon heard the doorknob shaking, and the door burst open. I heard shuffling and the shower curtain soon opened. Dan was standing in front of me, completely naked. "D-Dan?"  He looked at my body and gave me a sad look, "Oh Philly. Why?" He stepped into the warm spray of the shower and hugged me. My face was red as a tomato as he pulled away. "D-Dan, you still didn't tell me why youre h-h-here." He gave me a sad smile and said, "ill tell you after we talk about this", he said, pointing to my body. After I washes his hair and he washed mine, we stepped out and dressed ourselves. As we walked to his room, I wordlessly followed. He sat on his bed and I followed suit. "Phil, please tell me. Why would you do that to your beautiful body?" I was about to speak, but I realized, he just called me beautiful.  I shook my head. "I-I just-- Im a screwup Dan! I dont know why you cant see that! Im ugly, Im fat, Im annoying, Im a com-" I was cut off by soft lips on top of mine. My wide eyes soon slid shut as Dan dragged his tongue on my bottom lip. I opened my lips ever so slightly and his tongue brushed mine as we kissed. I was so lightheaded, I didnt know whether it was because kissing him gave me a sensation that was  close to high, or because its been a while since I had last breathed. I soon pulled away to breath. His face was a light shade of pink, but I knew that my face was at least twice that. "Philip Micheal Lester. You are none of those things, so dont think that. It hurts me when you think that, okay? Youre not a screwup, you are beautiful and not at all fat. You arent annoying and you are nothing short of perfect." Him saying all that made me cry even more. "Im sorry Dan but I cant help it. Youll hate me for what I say next but i have to. I like to hurt myself! At first I did it because of depression, but I realized, god just dont hate me Dan, I realized that I like it. I like the feeling of pain, I like the color of the blood, I love the familiar sting of the shower spray. Dan im sorry, but I really like it, I daresay Im addicted to it." I saw the tears run down his face faster than before, which only made me cry harder. He took my face in his hands and slowly kissed me. He held me in his arms as we both cried for a while. Dan giggled a little, "Look at us Phil, crying in each others arms. Once we get cleaned up, do you want to make a video?" I nodded and wiped my eyes. I walked into my room and set up a camera. As Dan walked in, he rolled up my sleeve and kissed my wrist.  "Dont hurt yourself like that."

(A/N: This origionally started as a self hate poem but idek)

(A/N: Ok I just want to say that I DO NOT ROMANTICIZE SELF HARM OR ANY OF THAT SHIT OK? I JUST FOUND THAT ON MY COMPUTER AND UPLOADED IT. DO NOT IN ANY WAY THINK THAT HURTING YOURSELF WILL MAKE PEOPLE LOVE YOU.)