From the Road

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I'm as sturdy as they come. It's been 32 years since I joined the family and I've served the Thompsons for three generations so far. I drove Rufus and Clara to their wedding. Sixteen hours from Portland, OR to Las Vegas without stopping and I didn't flinch once. I've got nerves of steel. I used to think I'd outlive them all, until she came around.

Agnes Thompson will be the death of me, mark my words. She's a heavy-handed door slammer, and a big-footed pedal pusher. She blares the radio and leaves fast food receipts everywhere! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against female drivers, but Rufus and Randall, Rufus's dad, never treated me so roughly. If I have to endure one more near miss with a squirrel, trashcan, or mailbox; I will pop a gasket! What's an old Station Wagon to do in this situation?

She makes so much noise as she appears. Her key ring is full of dangly keychains that hit against the dashboard and scratch me up whenever she drives. My gears stiffen as I hear the "jingle jangle" getting closer. Luckily, she's not alone. He opens the passenger side door as he has done many times before. Roy Chang keeps Agnes calm. Although she jumps around in her seat a lot more when he's around, her driving improves 10-fold. There's a lot less jerky stopping and panicked swerving.

As much as I like Roy Chang, I dislike the next passenger to the same degree. RT slides into the back seat as he often does and I brace myself for the oncoming stress. He's not a bad kid, but he is a kid. By nature he and I are enemies. Most of the stains on my backseat are from his spilt drinks and dropped nugget sauces. Honey mustard! Why is it always honey mustard? When he's not spilling sticky sweetness in my cupholders, he spends the rest of his time complaining. Rufus senior plays oldies music that RT just can't stand, Clara drives too slowly for the young boy's bladder, and Agnes is his sister so everything she does is annoying.

The three pile into their respective seats. Agnes starts my engine and I get the usual scratch of a sharp Hello Kitty bow against my dash. I'm not sure where we are going. I never am. No one ever thinks to inform the car of the trip's destination. Rude.

"Drive safe!" Mama Clara yells as we roll off. No one replies, but Agnes throws her arm out of the window and waves.

Two hours into the trip, the fast food high has worn off and everyone starts to get antsy. This is the time that RT needs to pee, and Agnes gets mad that she has lost all of her programmed radio stations. Luckily, Roy Chang, the constant calm, is in the car.

"Why Reno?" Asks Roy Chang. I guess that's where we're headed.

"Why not?" Replies RT, answering a question with a question.

"It just seems like the best place for magic camp would be Vegas, not Reno." States Roy Chang.

"It's not about learning magic. It's about getting out of the house for a few weeks. It's not fun being the only single guy in a house full of couples." Mentions RT.

"We're not a couple!" Agnes screams. She bangs on the steering wheel as she talks. It's painful.

"You could be brain-eating zombies for all I care! You're still gross!" Screams RT.

"Can we just change the subject please?" Agnes pleads. Roy Chang seems happy to oblige.

"Hey little dude, guess where I'm going this summer." Roy Chang seamlessly switches topics.

"Where?" Asks RT eagerly.

"China. You know that's where I was born right?" Replies Roy Chang. I can feel Agnes's grip tightening on the steering wheel as he speaks.

"Yeah I know that. How long are you gonna be in China?" RT asks casually.

"Can we please talk about anything else!?" I feel like I'm dying as a stressed Agnes continues to strangle me at 10 and 2. Roy Chang sighs and plays with the air vents as he thinks of a new topic.

"How can someone with as big of a heart as yours be asexual?" Roy Chang whispers. RT almost falls off the seat as he leans forward to try and listen in.

"Really? You bring this up in front of the child? No way. New topic." Agnes says through gritting teeth.

"Weather's nice today isn't it?" Roy Chang asks, exasperated.

"Now you're just being lazy." Says Agnes.

"That's it! We're out of topics! It's either asexuality, China, or our grossness. Pick your poison!" Roy Chang isn't really screaming as he speaks, but compared to his normal tone it's very intense.

"I'm just not attracted to anyone else. That's the definition of asexual." Agnes says after a long silence. A gasp comes from the backseat. Apparently RT understands just enough to be shocked by this statement.

"This coming from the girl who professed her love to me every day for 5 years. You're a Thompson, finding the path to true love is mapped out in your DNA." Roy Chang says sarcastically.

"My magical love ancestry is how I know something is wrong. The Thompsons have a way about love. It comes naturally. We fall hard and fast and that's all there is to it. It's a one shot deal. Do you know how old Grandpa Thompson was when he met my grandmother, may she rest in peace? They were in their thirties. All it took was one fateful collision in aisle 2 of the grocery store and they were wed three months later. My grandmother has been dead for over thirty years now but my grandfather has never looked twice at another woman. You already know the infamous story of Rufus and Clara. They are the beginning and end of each other's love lives. Then there's me. I was so sure of my feelings in the 2nd grade. I thought we were soul mates. But, the 8th grade incident proved me wrong. You proved me wrong. Well, lesson learned, I'm asexual." My steering wheel will never recover from Agnes's abuse. Luckily her grip loosens as she finished her rant.

"We were 7 years old, Agnes. No one is sure of their emotions at that age."

"I was."

"Fine, so the Thompson clan is always sure, but what about the others? Do you really think your grandmother automatically fell in love with a stranger at a grocery store? And, I highly doubt that your mother was 100% sure of a happy outcome with your father."

"Even if they weren't sure, they were still willing to take that leap of faith for love."

"Yeah! As adults. They never would have taken that leap as 13 year old eighth graders!"

"If Rufus and Clara had met in the eighth grade, he would still have fallen at first sight. While she might have been unsure, she would still enjoy his daily confessions of love. Then, a few years later, on the eve of adulthood she would finally realize that she loved him too. Rufus would be there, right by her side, saying 'Duh I've loved you all along.' That's what makes them Rufus and Clara."

"We can't all be Clara." Roy Chang whispers as we slide to a stop. I had forgotten where we were going and apparently so had the back seat passenger. Roy Chang exits the car and opens the door for RT. The kid doesn't budge.

"I can't get out! This conversation needs a live audience!" RT whines as he holds on to his seatbelt.

"This is your stop RT! Maybe if you pay enough attention at camp you'll learn some better eavesdropping skills. That way you won't miss anything ever again." Agnes states sarcastically. She turns around and unbuckles RT's seatbelt for him. Then she promptly pushes RT out of the car.

Instead of hitting the round, RT falls into Roy Chang's embrace. Roy Chang gently places RT on the ground before escorting him to the check-in table. Agnes keeps the car running. It takes a while, but eventually Roy Chang returns alone.

"I'm sorry about criticizing your parents' relationship. I know that Clara and Rufus would have always found each other. I was just saying....Hey! Isn't home the other way?" Roy Chang asks, confused.

"I promised you the best road trip ever and I'm going to deliver. There's no way we're headed back to Vegas so soon!" Exclaims Agnes.

"Then where are we going?" Asks Roy Chang, with no less confusion.

"Portland, Oregon of course!" Agnes states like it's the obvious conclusion. I know Portland well. I'm from Portland. Why on Earth are we going to Portland!?

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