talk about random shtuff

Depression

Depression sucks. I've been fighting it for a while now. But I always end up with the same thoughts. I hate it so much. Sometimes I think if people knew they would understand why I am the way I am. But when I tell them they just back off. Not wanting to deal with me. They say they'll stay, but they never do. I also sometimes think my depression defines me, but sometimes I don't. I think that it's just faze. But it seems to always stay. I feel like I'm getting better, but like I said at the end I always end up with the same thoughts. Just one cut. It'll be okay. Just one more, you'll feel better. But I can't this time. I promised someone I truly care about. I can't this time. I have to deal with it and be even more depressed. When I'm going through the day all I say to myself is 'just a little more ruby' 'you'll be okay' 'it's almost over' 'one day ruby, you'll be happy' etc. When I tell people this they feel hurt because they think I'm not happy when I'm around them. It's true. I try really hard to be happy. To put up a mask. Like they say 'fake it till you make it'. But sometimes I get tired and put it down for a while. Though no one notices. No one cares. But it's easier to say I'm fine. Than to explain how I feel. I'm putting this because I want to. Because I can. Not to get pitty nor shitty comments. I don't want attention. I'm pretty sure I'm putting this because it's one of those times I get really depressed. So this is a little of my mind. I guess