She Cares. (girlxgirl) (editing)

VI

After paying we left the café and agreed on the route we would take, which would be through one of the not so popular parks.

As we walked through the park we didn't talk much. My thoughts were constantly about Chloe's text. She made me seeing the situation from a whole new opposing perspective. She made me think it would be a good idea to admit my feelings to my best friend. The thing I was actually so scared of.

And it made me nervous. Like really nervous. My heart hammered. My hands perspired. My thoughts jumped from the positive to the negative points, from what/if to the fact what I was doing here, considering here. My hands shook; my whole body shook. I was frightened because if I would decide to tell her, it could be the end of a beautiful friendship, even if this would mean it was just a fake one. The illusion, popping like a bubble, would cause the same feelings than ending a true friendship.

'How can one text trigger so much thoughts, emotions and fears?' I asked myself and sighed. Chloe really made me insecure.

"Yass?.. Yass?" Nady asked.

I looked up to her. "Huh?"

Nady motioned to a bench next to us. "I asked you if you wanted to sit here for a bit?" she said. She smiled, but looked a bit unsure and concerned.
Maybe because I didn't pay attention to her.

I smiled at her, so she would feel better. "Yes, okay. Let's sit down for a bit."

It worked, she seemed more relaxed and smiled, too.

We sat on the bench and the thoughts came back. The nervous feeling in my stomach was irritating. I wanted it to end. But I was torn in between and didn't know what to do. To confess or not to confess... I just had two options this couldn't be so hard to decide. But it was and I was stumped for an answer. I gave up on deciding.

But the thoughts remained, the nervousness remained, just like the hammering heart, the shaking of my body and hand, and the perspiring. It stressed me out.

Suddenly, Nady laid her head on my shoulder and my heart skipped a beat. I felt guilty and was unnerved because I couldn't enjoy my time with Nady.
She should have my attention, not these stupid thoughts. She even took my hand. Her fingers played with mine. I found that so cute. Nady was cute herself. I loved it when her fingertips brushed my fingers. My heart wasn't anymore beating this fast just because I was nervous, but also because of the effect Nady had on me. She made my heart melt. I wanted to kiss her so badly. Oh how I wanted to kiss her.
Yes, I wanted to be her girlfriend. I thought I was content with being her friend, I thought her friendly love was enough for me. But it wasn't. I just wanted her to be my girlfriend. Chloe was right.
My feelings were too strong for me wanting to be just her friend.
And this increased my nervousness. God, I was so anxious.

Nady lifted her head. I looked to her and she was looking in my eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I wondered, if she noticed the state I was in.

"Sure. Why are you asking?" I answered.

"You are shaking and, ehm, your hands are sweaty.."

Damn, that was embarrassing. I blushed and looked down.

"Oh god, I'm sorry, Nady." I wiped my hands against my jeans to clean them.

"It isn't a problem, really. But are you sure you are okay? You don't seem so."

I looked back up and in her beautiful eyes. 'I can't tell her, right?' Maybe it was better for me. I thought of Chloe's arguments. 'Our friendship isn't fake. She cares about me. She can't be disgusted once she knows.' I told myself, 'I really should confess. She deserves to know the truth.'

More nervous than before I opened my mouth.

"Nady, it's just that I.." How should I express myself? "I am, I think you should know that..."

No, this was a bad idea.

I may wasn't content like this. But like I said all along, I was more content with Nady being my best friend than with Nady being a stranger to me. And I couldn't risk this. Besides, just because I told her my feelings didn't mean she had the same. Even if she didn't mind me being in love with her, she maybe just wanted to stay friends. It would help me nothing.
So, this was a stupid idea.

"It's nothing, Nady. I mean, it's nothing important. Don't worry, okay?"
I smiled reassuring.

She looked unsure and her eyes shifted away for a moment, as if she was disappointed for some reason. "Hm... okay."

I smiled again at her and she forced a smile back but her eyes told me she was confused.
I wasn't stupid. I knew she didn't believe me but I was glad she wasn't asking further. Honestly, I wouldn't have known what to say to her.

The atmosphere was tense again. I didn't like that, so I grabbed a hold of her hand and asked her if we should go home now. And I didn't forget to smile. I wanted the relaxed and happy mood back, Nady had this morning.

She breathed and nodded then. Still holding hands we went home.

As we arrived at my house we went back up to my room and agreed to watch a movie. I let Nady decide which movie we'd watch and laid in my bed.

"Do you have more popcorn?" Nady asked and I had to smile. She was just too cute.

"I will bring it from downstairs." I answered and left the room again.

While waiting for the popcorn to be done I again thought about me telling Nady that I love her more than a friend should. What means 'again'? I haven't stopped thinking about it since Chloe sent me this long and aggressive text.

Somehow I changed my mind with every thought a bit more and was nearly there, where I would be able to confess.

Actually I had already reached this point as I talked to Nady in the park, but something was still holding me back. I guess it was the fear.
I did think that it was for my best to tell Nady but I was so scared to get hurt. It would hurt if I lost my beloved best friend, and it would also hurt to know that the friendship was fake. I would be absolutely broken if this would happen.

That was the only thing holding me back.
Despite this I wanted to tell Nady so bad.
I would finally be free. I may could be her girlfriend. Maybe I could kiss her.
Heck, that would be great.

Oh I needed to tell her. I needed strength and courage from somewhere.
I wasn't the strongest girl on the planet, why had I such a difficult task to fulfill?

Still nervous, still anxious I went back to my room and gave Nady the popcorn I had filled in a bowl now. Then we started to watch the movie.