Everyone wants to be the one who gets invited but nobody wants to invite. The one who gets compliments but doesn't give them. The one who gets reached out to but doesn't reach out. They want you to bend over backwards for them and always make sure that they're okay and happy. They want you to do and do and do. But when you're so depressed that you can barely get off the couch and you can't even take care of yourself and if you can go a whole day without crying you call it a victory, and you're not there for them they aren't there for you. They won't force you to talk to them like you do when they're quiet. They wont show up at your house with your favorite drink or snack just so they can push their way inside. They won't sit by you silently just so you don't feel alone. They won't make sure you know they love you and that the demons in your head are lying bastards. They won't call a million times until you answer. They won't pick up little hints on your Facebook or Pinterest. They will sit back and wait until you reach out to them because friendship is a two way street damnit and you need to tell them you're sad and depressed. But is my silence not enough? Are my tears not enough? Are my constant depressing posts not enough to catch your attention because I can't tell you how many times yours have been enough for me to be worried and contact you. But maybe that's because I know how this feels. Maybe that's because I never want them to ever feel alone. But who makes sure I don't feel alone? I understand every relationship I am ever going to have is going to be a two way street but why do I have to work on your side too? I text a suicide hotline the other night. Not because I want to die but because I wanted to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and who cares enough to talk to me. Lauren was nice and she told me she's proud of me. I cried. I made an appointment to get on antidepressants, anyone who know me knows that I hate having to take them. But I'm so low that I would rather feel like an emotional zombie than this. I rather not feel anything. I don't bring anything to the table, and obviously people don't care if I'm not around. I rather feel absolutely nothing than feel like I'm drowning and everyone around me is just watching. Why isn't anyone trying to save me? Because everybody wants to be the muse.
