The Bitter Side || PJM

Tastes like Romance

After that, I avoided him for some time, but in vain. Everything was back to normal after a few calls from his part and me trying to ignore his existence. I was wounded with the knife he had jabbed at my heart. It hadn't been a joke for me, and somewhere along the line I realized how much he'd started to grow on me. I wanted to make him disappear; I wanted to erase everything that concerned him if only it would shut off the pain, the humiliation. But I couldn't go on ignoring him forever, and if I did I'd need to have a reason to. Unfortunately I decided that having him as a friend might not be as bad, because I realized just how much I have come to depend on his friendship, as much as it sounded desperate to me.

I couldn't well tell him that I liked him, or he'd probably draw away and look at me like I was one of those girls, the girls he tries so hard to ignore.

But I wasn't like them, and I'd never be.

I believed I was strong enough, that I wouldn't break even if I dropped.

Maybe he had realized his mistake of having twisted me around during that party, for his attitude towards me softened and he started initiating conversations more frequently. With all my heart, I restrained myself from jumping at my phone whenever a notification signaled his reply, but I was just in too deep already, I hadn't just realized how much of the deep end I had already plunged into.

"Kimberly, are you okay?" My friend, Shim Aejung, asked once when I was over at her house. She had caught me red-handed gazing off into the nearby wall and lost in my own thoughts, not really present as the rest of the girls chatted on about their boring daily schedules that I found to be a necessary buzz for my brain to think.

I had sent her a wan smile, trying to mask my confused, mixed feelings, "Just tired"

"You've been tired a lot lately" she commented, still wary from my slouched posture. I couldn't blame her, who wouldn't have been? "Can't sleep?"

"Something like that"

If I could go back and tell myself to just stop whatever I was doing before anything bad was to happen, I would. But I was an innocent, and he was all too experienced. He spun his spider web and caught me at my most vulnerable position, knowing exactly what he was doing while I was losing my mind.

I liked him so much that I hated him.

Again, what I was trying to avoid occurred, and I still didn't realize how much of an idiot I was to continue on. It had been a rainy night with alternate cold showers that clouded up my windowpanes. After having finished my essay due for tomorrow, I had stretched and had been ready to go to bed when my phone blinked with a new message.

Curious, I slid the screen open to see Jimin's name appear on the message thread, my heart unconsciously jumping to my throat.

Jimin: Yo ;)

Such a simple word, and yet, my brain was cartwheeling with the million types of answers I could give him.

At the back of my mind, there was this small warning. It was a clear indication of a red flag waving at me to stop and ignore him, ignore him because he deserved to know that the world did not revolve around him. But the urge to read what he had to say burned down that thought as my fingers reached over to type my reply.

Kim: Hi.

Jimin: At least a smile, Kim >:(

It wasn't in my nature to play hard to get because I had never really experienced it in the first place, but I just wanted to know how much he really cared about me as an individual.