My body was shaking with pain as i stumbled to my front door. My hand shook as i turned the knob and opened the door. I stumbled into the living room and feel to my knees, the pain running through my vains, making it hard to breathe. Making it hard to focus on anything but the pain. The pain in my sides,t he pain in my face, the pain in my heart, the pain was running around in my head over and over. Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain. None stop, over and over. My body was shaking as i got to my feet and walked over to the kitchen. I walked into it and leaned against the door frame and slipped my top up over my head and letting it fall to the floor. The pain in my heart taking over and making my double over in pain. I feel back to my knees and put my hands into fists. He was gone. He was gone.
My everything.
My world.
My boyfriend.
My first love.
My everything.
Was gone. The pain racked my body again and the tears streamed freely down my face. I crawled across the kitchen floor and slowly brought myself up, holding onto the counter and i pulled myself up. I leaned against the counter for support. I reached up to the to cabniet and grabbed the only bottle of acholol we had in the house. I set it on the counter as aother pain ran through me and made my insides hurt. I couldn't do this...yet i wanted to. I had to. I couldn't live without him. I pushed away from the counter and stumbled towards the bathroom. I knew mum had pills in here. She never said she did, but i knew it. I opened the cabniet and pulled out her pills. My hands shaking at the thought of what i was about to do. I turned the light off and turned and walked out of the bathroom. I grabbed the acholol and walked up to my room, leaning against the wall as i glided up the stairs. I pushed my bedroom door open and walked over to my bed and laid my head down on the pillow. The pills still in my shaking hands. The bottle in my other.
I had to do it.
I had to see him.
I had to be with him.
His green eyes, his big hands, his sweet smile, his tattoos, his kiss, his loving touch, his safe embrace. How i felt comfortable around him, how i felt like myself. How he brought me to life. Who i was. How he was there for me when i needed him. I couldn't go my whole life without him. I would lose my mind.
I couldn't live without him.
His piercings that made other people scared but made me feel at home, his intense stare that only softened when he looked at me.The way he always smelled like drugs and acholol that would turn most people away, but brought me to him. The way his hands moved over my body and made me feel alive and like everything was going to be OK. The way his kiss left shivers running up and down my spine. How one look made me want him more then anything. How one look told me how much he really loved me.
How he said my name.
how he said he loved me.
All thsoe little things made it harder to believe this had actually happened, and made it easier for me to descide i had to do this. I couldn't be without him. He was my other half. He was my everything. And he was gone.
If he was gone.
I wasn't going to stay.
I couldn't stay.
I would lose my mind. I wouild lose myself, i was already losing myself as i held the pills in my hands and my body shook with anger,and fear and pain. While my heart was slowly falling into pieces and falling to the bottom of my chest. While my world became a blur when i couldn't see him in it anymore.
The tears streamed down my face harder as i thought of his eyes, his smile, his laugh, his touch, he voice, the way he told dirty jokes and smirked afterward. The way he was careful around me.
