Goodbye To You

 Staying sober is a constant struggle. Staying happy is an even bigger one. But, I’m coping. After they arrested my dad, it became a little easier to function normally.Mya  plays a big part in my newfound sanity. I freaking love that girl to death, I swear I do. She is the only light in this world full of darkness, now that you’re gone.

When you found me sprawled out on the bathroom floor three years ago, I never expected to end up where I am today. I have a steady paying job, a nice apartment, and a girlfriend,  whom I love with all my heart. Some days I can’t even remember the reason why I swallowed that bottle of pills, which is great. And the days that I do remember, I always have someone there to help me through the pain. I’m never alone, and I have you to thank for that. You gave me a family, when I had none. 

I got dealt a bad hand in life. But you managed to shuffle my cards so I could at least have a chance at happiness.  

We don’t get to choose our lives, and we don’t always have control over what happens to us.  It took me four years to learn this, four years to stop blaming myself for what he did to me, four years to stop blaming myself for not being deserving of my mother‘s love, four years to learn that drugs were not the answer to my problems. Four years to learn that not everyone is like him and my mother. Four years to learn that I am better than this lifestyle, that I deserve more than this. These are lessons that you taught me. You also taught me how to love and be loved. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t love you the way that you loved me. I’m so sorry for that, but  I’m just not wired that way. You will always be my best friend, I just want you to know that. I will always love you, and I hope that you will someday forgive me for not being careful with your heart, like you were with mine. I hope you can forgive me for all the pain that I’ve caused you. You were the one thing that mattered to me, and you still are one of them., even though you’re not here anymore. I miss you, I miss you so d*mn much! Every day without you is painful. But, I’m trying, because I know that’s what you’d want me to do.  

God, this is so hard! I’m really trying to stay optimistic here, but it’s just too hard. I hate how happy I am sometimes. It just feels so wrong to be happy when you’re no longer present in the world, when you’re no longer living and breathing the same air as me. I have to stop feeling like this. I have to move one. I know I told you that I’d never  forget you, and I won’t, but I really think it’s time to say goodbye to you.