Homestuck: The Novel

ACT ONE SCENE ONE "ShowTime"

Notes:In this chapter you are:Who: JohnWhere: Your houseWhen: The presentChapter TextChapter 1: Act I: Play Game

Your name is John Egbert, and today is your thirteenth birthday.

It is also the day the world ends, but you don't know that yet. You will play a role in the apocalypse, but you won't know that for even longer.

You are going to waste a lot of time between now and then, generally acting like a n00b who has not been in the world for thirteen years. Almost as if some external force were acting through your life. Not that this will occur to you.

Right now, your only concern is your anticipation for two unrelated events. The first is, predictably, the annual celebration of your birth. The second is the arrival of a new game, called Sburb, which was supposed to come three days ago. You are more excited for the latter than the former.

There is no big birthday bash planned for today. You are not exactly the coolest kid you know. It might be your penchant for pranks, the time wasted on bad computer programming, or your shitty taste in movies (What do Armageddon, Con Air, Ghostbusters, and Matthew McConaughey have in common? Only you know!) that kept you from making a lot of friends. You don't really mind, though, because you have several good friends you met over the internet.

Even though there is no party in the works, there are several cakes in your room. Your father has gone all out baking cakes today, and there is no way you could ever eat all these pastries. There is one on your dresser, and another on your magic chest, where you stash most of your cool stuff. You decide to look through it, for no particular reason. After moving the cake to your bed, because where else would you put it?

With the exception of the cakes and some random nails and a hammer on the floor, your room is actually pretty clean. Your bed is made, with the ghost-print blanket tucked in. Your bed is next to the door, with the dresser opposite. In the corner at the foot of the bed is your magic chest, covered with yellow stars and moons. Your computer is on your desk in the corner opposite your bed. There is a cd-organizer full of your video games next to your desk. Your closet is between the desk and the dresser. Your walls are almost entirely covered in posters of your favorite movies, along with a calendar. The April page displays a green spirograph design with a boxy house shape in the center.

So really, your bed is the only available surface if you want access to your magic chest.

The first thing you pull out are your fake arms, which are useful for various hilarious antics. You captchalogue them in your sylladex. This is your quirky inventory management system, in the style of RPGs. Also in your chest are trick handcuffs, a stunt sword, a magician's hat, a pair of beagle puss glasses, smoke pellets, blood capsules, a copy of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery, and a copy ofHarry Anderson's "Wise Guy" by Mike Caveney. For now, you just take the smoke pellets, hoping they will be useful.

This fills half of your sylladex, since you only have four captchalogue cards. When you try to access the fake arms, you discover that they are blocked by the smoke pellets on top. Turns out you are operating a "stack" fetch modus, which means you can only access the last thing you captchalogued. Well, nevermind, then.

On your dresser is a note from your father. It reads: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. Next to it is a rolled up poster, also from your father. You take the poster. Then you pick up a hammer and some nails that were lying haphazardly on your floor. This amounts to five items, and pushes the fake arms out of your sylladex. This is something that will be happening a lot, because you are not very adept with your sylladex. A more adept user might be able to weaponize this function, but you honestly rarely think ahead that well.