All I Have Left

Chapter Five - Rebecca

 Two months, four days. That's how long Anthony has been dead. And in that time i have barely said ten words to my family. The most I've talked to is to Caleb, and that was extremely minimal.

     One month, one day, six hours. That's how long I have known I was pregnant with Anthony's baby. I've gone to the clinic once to confirm my pregnancy. My parents still don't know, and I'm afraid to tell them. It's the summer going into my sophomore year of high school. They'll be so disappointed in me. I just have to find a way to tell them.

     I want to keep this baby. It's all that's left of Anthony. It's our only link. He's gone, and this child will be had in his remembrance. I have to find a way to tell my parents that. I also have to figure out a plan of how to raise this child while still in high school. Anthony wouldn't want me to drop out of high school for this child. I will finish high school, and I will go onto college and have a successful career.

     I haven't even spoken to my best friend, Jaimie. She doesn't even know I'm pregnant. Every time she tries to call or text me, I ignore it. When she tries to come over, my mom tells her I'm not feeling well. And, that's the truth. It's not a lie. I'm not feeling well. It's a combination of PTSD and the baby. Jaimie has recently decided to stop coming to try to visit. I feel bad, but I just don't have the energy to speak to anyone right now.

     Six weeks. That's how far along I am. Soon enough I'm gonna start showing. In a few weeks my jeans will start getting too snug around the waist. Before I start to show I have to tell my parents. I have to. Some way. Some how.

     It's a Tuesday. Both my parents are at work. I'm home alone just sitting in my room, on my computer. I haven't eaten in days, besides a few bites of dinner here and there so my parents don't suspect anything. I know it's not good for the baby, I just don't have an appetite. I can't even think about food. After Anthony was killed, I started eating less and less. I just couldn't eat. Every time something was put in front of me i felt like I was going to vomit. Occasionally I did. Despite the baby growing inside of me, I've lost five pounds.

     I close my laptop on my desk and skulk over to my bed, flopping down, face first. I just cry. What have I gotten myself into? I'm fifteen, pregnant, and my child's father is dead. I saw him get killed, and I haven't said anything. I don't know why I haven't. I should have turned Gabe in. But he would have come after me. Someone would have. Then not only would my life be lost, but so would the baby's. And if I wait until the baby is born, my baby will have lost both of his/her parents. It's bad enough he/she will only have one. He/she doesn't deserve to lose both before he/she even begins to grow older.

     My cell phone on my nightstand rings. I reach over. Jaimie's name and contact picture blink on the screen of my phone. I put it back down. I want to talk to her, I just can't.

     I have to find something to do with my time. Being alone all day is starting to drive me crazy. I'm just alone with my thoughts. The night of Anthony's death just keeps flashing into my brain.

     In an attempt to cure my boredom, I slip on my flip flops and grab the ten dollars my mom always leaves me on my nightstand. There has to be some place in this town I can go. It has to be some place that I know people like Gabe and Mike aren't gonna be--so anywhere on my side of town. I lock the door behind me and head to the center of town.

     Even though it's the middle of the day on a Tuesday and most adults are at work, there are a lot of people in town. Mothers push their toddlers in little strollers as the toddlers fidget to get out. That will be me one day, with Little Anthony. I see couples walking hand-in-hand down the sidewalk. Me and Anthony used to walk like that. This is one of the first times I've gone out since Anthony's death. I try to stop the tears that have begun to form in my eyes. Everything reminds me of him. I put my hand to my stomach, trying to salvage what I have left of Anthony.

     When I turn the corner, I see Mike and Antonella, who I did not expect to see here, let alone together. Mike lives on the other side of town, and is two years older than I am. He's in Caleb's grade. Antonella is my age, and also from my side of town. Her family is actually very rich. I know for a fact that if her father found out about this both of their asses would be kicked.

     I take a few steps back and turn around before either of them see me. Antonella and I never exactly got along. She actually tried to steal Anthony from me back when we first started dating. Clearly she has a thing for guys in gangs.

     After doing a few laps around town, I decide to stop into a Starbucks to get myself a latte before heading home; there's nothing else for me to do around here. I get impatient waiting in line, even though there are only two people in front of me. The workers are just going too slow. Ten minutes pass before I'm actually served, and another ten minutes pass before I get my latte--a vanilla latte made with skim milk, my favorite. I take one of the cardboard holders and head in the direction of my home.

     When I get home, I head straight up to my room, ignoring my cat that attempts to rub against my legs. In my room I go into my closet, reaching up to the top shelf, taking down a brown-paper-covered shoe box I haven't taken down in a while. This box holds all pictures and keepsakes from mine and Anthony's relationship. I sift through all the pictures from photobooths and notes we slipped into each other's lockers between classes, searching for the thing I completely forgot about until I was waiting in line at Starbucks.

     Then I find it.

     The bracelet Anthony gave me for my fifteenth birthday, our one-year anniversary. Its a silver bracelet with our initials and the date we began dating engraved on the inside. I unclasp it and put it around my wrist. Again I begin crying.

     I miss him so much.