Floating.
My body floats through icy water, my eyes staring upwards. Dim light filters through the surface, cradling my body. What did I do wrong? Hands pushing, pulling, hitting. Words biting, wounding, judging. Eyes glaring, piercing, always watchful for my mess ups. My mistakes. My falls from grace.
Blurred faces peer into the water above me, shifting in the wake of the water. Their sharp voices penetrate deep into the water, muffled slightly by the barrier. Although they are on the outside of this shelter I know their words intimately.
You don't fit in.
Who do you think you are?
What's wrong with you?
You're ridiculous!
No body wants you here.
You aren't good enough.
You can't do anything right!
Why don't you just kill yourself?
Just kill yourself.
Kill yourself.
Freak.
I close my eyes. My lungs hurt and the pressure of the water threatens to split my head open. My eyes burn and I can't tell if it is tears or the water's chemicals. Perhaps both. I watch as the figures part, moving aside to allow a larger figure to step forward. The voices fade and a single voice rises above the others.
You thought I actually loved you?
I stare at the silhouette, tensing.
You are nothing like them. You thought I really thought of you as beautiful? That you were the best thing in the world to me? You are such a fool. You believed that you could be even remotely pretty when you look like that? You look nothing like a real woman. You can't be serious. Who could ever love you? Someone with so many "flaws"? Someone who can't even love themself? You are so pathetic.
I open my mouth to cry out and take in water. Coughing, I try to expel the poison before my mouth shut tightly. My oxygen is gone.
Sinking.
I hit the bottom and lay still, gazing at the world through blurred eyes.
Not so different from when I was above the water I think. I hope death comes quickly.
I wait to die, to suffocate on water, to face Death with a cold embrace. To be released from this cruel and judgemental world is a blessing. But Death doesn't come. No blackness closing over me. No life flashing before my eyes. Only silence. I squint and try to focus on the surface of the water where people have shifted and stare at a new figure kneeling beside the water's edge.
A voice breaks through. My name, repeated over and over, drowning out the soft mummers of the figures, echoes slowly around me. A hand breaks the surface, sending ripples along the top. It beckons to me, my name now a plea. I feel the urge to grasp that hand. But I am so tired. I want to be free. I let my eyes droop enough to block out the blinding light and focus only on the fading shadow. It is gone.
"DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!" the voice, so sweet and heartfelt, envelopes me, filling the cold space. The blinding light breaks and a figure, the same figure that repeated my name and reached for me, dives into the water, white foam and bubbles following. The figure fights and kicks towards me. Hands reach out and I flinch, trying to pull away. Instead of the cold pain, these hands give me warmth. They hold no hatred or ill-will towards me. Only acceptance. I watch, perplexed, as the surface comes closer.
We break surface and my body is lifted. I feel my back press against warm stone and heat from the sunlight drying my flesh. But I can't breath. I struggle for precious air and come up short, choking. Lips, soft, hot, press to mine and force air into me. I jerk upwards, sputtering and hacking up water, tears running down my cheeks while water runs from my ears and nose.
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" the voice screams, and the warm hands grab me, pulling me around to face a pair of sparkling brown eyes. I gasp for air and cannot explain. sobs rack my body and I scream, letting out the anguish that had engulfed me. Arms wrap around me and pull me close.
"Don't listen to them. Don't ever believe what they say. You mean so much to so many. Please see this."
I sob until I can't create tears any longer, instead sagging with exhaustion. I lay my head againt the figure and breath slowly, cherishing such sweet air. The sun warms me and I feel myself drift to sleep, dreaming of warmth and acceptance. I open my eyes a few moments later and look around me, taking in the scene. People- friends, family, people who love me- stand around, watching. A hand reaches out, long artistic fingers pressing into my cheek.
"We love you. Never forget that there are ALWAYS going to be people who love you."
I smile, choking on a mix between a sob and a laugh and sink back into the figure. All that matters is that the ones who truly matter accept me. No one else. With this realization, I sink into blissful sleep once more, knowing that they will be there when I wake.
