The Essential Book

Part 1: Gopher It!

The first thing you have to know about being successful is going for it... wait, not THAT kind of gopher, who even put that there? That doesn't make any sense! I mean, the pun was there, but that doesn't mean you have to make it! Anyway, despite the terrible puns, it is true. You always just have to go for it, no matter what it is, be it a job or a car or a tortilla. For example, say you are walking outside on a beautiful, sunny day, without a care in the world. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you spot what could possibly be the most beautiful and majestic creature to ever exist on the face of this planet, a gopher (Oh, I get it now! Gopher it, that's a good one) Now, someone who wasn't prepared for this would run away from all the sheer gopher-y amazingness, but that is what is so good about going for it. You don't need to be prepared, because going for it is already such a foolproof plan that is always a go-to option. A person who always goes for it would do the logical thing, which is obviously go up and hug that gopher like the incredible beast that it is. At this moment in time, I would recommend the reader to put down this book and go hug a gopher. Appreciate what they have done for your country. It may seem awkward at first, but you just have to GOPHER it. The only real way to get better at this is practice. You may not feel amazing fr that first hug with a gopher, but trust me, from someone with my level of experience, hugging gophers has been part of my... wait, I meant going for it has been part of my daily schedule. You know what they say, a hug a day keeps the gophers away! When going for it, remember to never think about it. As we all know, thinking is for non-gopher lovers, so help us out and remember to never think. In the words of Shia LaBeouf, "JUST DO IT!" This is very important, because if you wait too long and think about any of this, you will realize how much of a bad idea this is an give up, which is exactly what you don't want to do. Going for it doesn't make sense and it can probably get you killed, but that doesn't matter. All you have holding you back is common goodness, the authorities, and basically all of society. So no on TOO important, unless you count everyone that has any meaning or point to be in this world. But you don't have a meaning to be in this world, that's why you're reading this book! So break into homes, steal cars, and most importantly hug gophers at your own will! Gopher it!  Don't think! Don't stay back! Rush the front! Go, go, go! Going for it is the reason I'm here today! I mean, it also  put me in jail for 20 years, but that's irrelevant. All that matters are gophers. And going for it. We're done here.