An Open Book

11/17/2015

I love to write. As a busy working mom, I barely ever seem to have the time or energy to write, but I still love it, nonetheless. Especially when things come up that I need time and space to think about and figure out, but instead get stuck swirling around in spirals inside my mind. The most I ever wrote was a daily blog that I kept up for over 500 days. I started that almost 5 years ago, in February of 2011. It was really difficult to write every single day and fit it in no matter how I was feeling or how busy I was. But it was also incredibly rewarding, and one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I learned SO much about myself.

All of my life, from about age 8, my reading and writing efforts have focused on improving myself. I had meager success with actually change before I started my blog. For whatever reason, writing that was the biggest turning point in my life. It was the first time things really shifted from just reading and trying things, to actually seeing my life change from the inside out. I changed my eating, living, thinking, and many other habits. I lost a lot of weight and maintained a healthy, whole foods diet for a long time. My relationships changed, my faith grew, and my communication skills increased. It was the first time I truly started to see progress instead of just good intentions. And now, almost 5 years later, I want to start this again, and keep growing like that.

Since the blog ended about 3 years ago, I kept writing on and off. Mostly I didn't write, but there are snippets here and there. I am hoping to honor all of the old progress I made and all of my stumbles along the way to get to where I am today. I recorded a lot of things in vivid detail, and I still have all of those writings. I am going to incorporate pieces of them as I go, to show where I started from and my progress, and revisit what brought me here.

My writing style in my blog was very personal. I did not write my blog from a high and mighty pedestal wearing rose-colored glasses. In fact, I think that is why the project made such a huge impact on my life. From Day 1 my intention was to be as open, raw, and brutally honest as possible. A huge obstacle I had noticed to any progress I had tried to make before was always how terrified I was for other people to know what I was really thinking, doing, and experiencing. I felt incredibly ashamed at how little self-control I seemed to have, and how much I struggled. I felt like I was really alone and there was something terribly wrong with me that I had to work hard to hide from the outside world. I did not think that anyone would, could, or should accept me for who I truly was on the inside, and I ran away from it at all times. So I decided that from day 1 I would just throw open the windows and let the sun shine in on everything that I had kept so hidden. If the result was that every single person I had ever known and loved was to ridicule and brutally reject me, then fine. I was terrified beyond belief of that outcome, but I knew deeply that I could not keep living in fear, shame, and secrecy any longer. I HAD to try something else. Even if it meant that I would lose everything.

But the reactions I had after baring my heart and soul to the world through trembling, terrified keystrokes, seemed nothing short of a miracle. Everyone I knew was breathing these huge sighs of relief at reading my not-very-pretty, but honest words. They finally didn't feel so alone and broken themselves! I was so shocked. So in those first 2 weeks of excavating my soul and displaying it in broad daylight to the masses, I was transformed. My shame and fear melted away, and finally, finally made room for me to start on a true path toward healing all of the traumas and burdens that I had carried for so long. That path carried me a long way, but it also showed me just how far I still want to go. Progress can take a really long time. I know that now. But seeing the improvements along the way and honoring small changes is vital to getting anywhere that is true and lasting. I want to keep climbing up into the best possible