The Mind Of A Broken Soul

10th July xxxx.

I am here...
Lying on my bed...
No urge comes to my body or my mind.
I care less for anything.
Everything seems to slip my mind.
Nothing seems to be accepting my reality.
And,
No one seems to care.

I tend to eat less.
My appetite seems to decrease.
All the meal that was served to me,
Seemed like nothing.
Even the food I used to enjoy,
Tastes nothing.
The only last thing I could still feed myself,
Are apples.
Red ones, to be precise.

Its sweet.
And tasty.
But after days,
The taste left my tongue.
Or it maybe caused by my taste buds.
Is it functioning?

Maybe, its because of the insomnia.
I have not slept for a month...
It seemed to bother me.
But at least the nightmares will not appear!

But, I am not sure if thats a good news.
Or, is it even bad ones.

My aunt came...
I guess?
I could not recall the day.
I guess dates do not matter anymore.

But, she came!

She wanted me to spend my time at her house.
She said things will get better.
She said I could help her with the food.
She said she wanted to taste my cooking.
But,
Can I still cook?
I can not remember the steps.
Maybe if I helped her,
I can remember it!

She waited for an answer from my lips.
But none came out.
For I was wondering of the causes and overthink it.
Thats weird.
I always made choices in a haste and accept it happily.
But now,
Why am I worrying about it so much?
Maybe,
I just felt scared of making my aunt and uncle worrying about my health.

Yeah, probably.
It is logical, though.

Finally, they left.
Daddy told them its best for me to stay here.
They accepted the answer.
And here I am still wondering about it.

After they left,
My routine came in like always.
It still repeats,
Even when my aunt was here!
Sleep, cry, drink, pills, drink, cry, sleep, cry, Sleep, cry, drink, pills, drink, cry, sleep, cry, Sleep, cry, drink, pills, drink, cry, sleep, cry,

It never stops!
NEVER!

Except on the night time,
It changes.
Think, cry, drink, cry, think, cry, drink, cry, Think, cry, drink, cry, think, cry, drink, cry, Think, cry, drink, cry, think, cry, drink, cry.

When the clock turns to 4:30,
I began drawing or crafting,
Or,
I began studying or reading.
It stops till 6:30.

I somehow remembered some formulas.

But, this time.
Father came in to my room and asked me,
"Do you want to stay with your aunt?"

Again, I wondered.
Do I?

I smiled.
And said.
"Its up to you. I could not decide what is best for me anymore..."

He looked down,
With a troubled and sad face.
He claim to say,
"Nor could I. I thought, if I send you there, you might get another chest pain and your condition could get worse. But, if I do not, you might continue this routine. You are not you, anymore. You do not act like yourself. You lock yourself in your room. I understand the reason and respect it but, if you continue, no one will know what is your situation. Maybe sending you with your aunt may help you to get yourself together again. But, really. Its about you, now. Its your choice and your decision."

I smiled and said its fine.
I shall manage the situation.
Hiding my true feelings.
After he left,
I think again,
And let all the thoughts linger through those bitter tears.

It will be fine, right?